Things I Learned in 2014

I learned, once again, that moving is beyond stressful. Clearly, I block it from my memory.
Power tools are awesome.  Having some one that appreciates my love of power tools and buys me them is even more awesome.
Mom's stories get longer and longer with each telling.
Making the jump from a family of 2, to a family of 6 has had its challenges but nothing that I wouldn't want to do over and over again.
I take a lot of pride in how far our home has come and relish in my new projects to make it even better.
I learned that I am very Type A with our finances.  I am so grateful that John trust me with his money so I can handle everything.  It would drive me nuts not knowing.

I don't think it mattered how we got engaged, all that mattered was that it was John.  He was the one that made it perfect. Even down to his excitement over continental breakfast.
I am still a little disappointed that Lizzy chickened out for our sister tattoos and I am way proud of Rebecca.  I would have bet money that it would have been the other way around.
Shooting sheet is harder then it looks but also way funner.
I will be forever grateful that all of our children get along as well as they do.  Our mini-miracle.
I am a perfectionist.  If I am going to complete a project myself, I will watch YouTube videos until I can get it absolutely perfect.
Work has been stressful this year. It is amazing how that stress can hang with me even after I have left the building.

The Audi is still amazing. I would buy it 12 times over if I could.  I am so cheap on so many things but this is one thing I am so glad I didn't cheap out on.
John is terrible at picking out movies, I have just grown to ignore his recommendations.
Its the little things, like coming home to a clean house and the lawn mowed, that makes a world of difference to me.
The flu sucks but I still refuse to get a flu shot even though I have gotten sick 2 years in a row.  Stubborn much.
I learned that I actually enjoy gardening.  Who knew?!  I guess the apple didn't fall very far.
Watching your child struggle - with anything - is one of the hardest parts of parenting.

I love going out but family happy hour at Walls always seems to be my favorite.
The older Lizzy gets the stronger our relationship is.  Considering I hated her when she was first born we will most likely be inseparable in a few years.
Trying on a wedding dress for the first time was a terrifying and anxious experience.  It is not that I have doubts, its just that I don't really think I ever thought I would get married.
Every time I have my mother over she rearranges my pillows and throws.  I have learned to just let her do it.
I learned that the one time I have been compelled to curse at John was over snot filled towels.  It could have been worse, way worse.
The great generosity of others surprised and overwhelmed me this year (Really. Some one is letting us borrow their HOUSE).  I would like to focus on being more generous to people not in my family this year. 

I learned that it is monumentally important to make time for our date nights.  Reestablishing, grounding and relishing in 'just us' in our mostly chaotic life has given our relationship a tremendous amount of strength.
Passing on traditions and watching those traditions take root are the stuff memories are made of.
There's not much a bottle of wine, a warm house, a string cheese, a jigsaw puzzle, and some sisters can't fix.
I am a saver and I enjoy saving.  I like being able to pay things off in full right away.
Rebecca is already the most amazing bridesmaid ever, from dress shopping, to meticulous invitation overhaul, to surprise engagement parties, this girl is going to out do herself in 2015.
My heart is much bigger than I even realized.

I have begun to understand and emulate my parents unfaltering desire to give and support their children no matter how many speeding tickets they get.  (Ahem, Lizzy, ahem.)
My dad is still the best baseball coach out there.  Wyatt is so lucky to have him.
My Christmas Santa wrapping is over the top but seeing all of their faces makes it so worth the effort. (I do brown craft paper with tons of colorful bows.  Even on stockings.)
I am looking forward to being a stepmom. Even if it is just to rid the world of Disney stereotypes.
My favorite time of day is still putting Wyatt to bed.  The routine might be different now from several years ago, but he still reverts to that snuggly baby I miss.
2015 is looking to be one of the best years yet.

Things I Learned in 2013

I learned that most of the time my parents have been right.  This was an incredibly painful realization to make.  I am not saying they are right all the time (HELL NO) but they did get it right more often then I am prepared to admit to.

Having a home is a never ending battle of Home Depot runs on Saturdays.

The older I get the more secure of myself I am.

I will never get this parenting thing down.  Just when I think I have it right, Wyatt changes and grows.
Kindergarten is nothing like I remembered it to be.
Its true.  When you know, you just know.  Without any force or effort.  Its just there.

The best Aunt fight of 2013 was inconclusive.  Let's see how they do in 2014.
I will forever burn popcorn.  Its just a thing.
I still go to therapy but friend therapy seems to be just as needed and just as good.
I still think of Faetra all the time.  I hope I always do.  I have adopted a 'What Would Faetra Do?' mentality to force me to think like her just a little more.  Make me live a little more fearlessly.
Watching any 5 year old play any sport is endlessly amusing.
I'll admit it, I kinda like the Legos.  Its like a jigsaw puzzle for me.  I like when things fit nicely together.

Creating new traditions for my little family has been the most surprising joy of parenting.
Sonos and Songza changed my life.
Turns out I am a kid person.
I might make fun of her mercilessly but I am endlessly proud of my mom.  I honestly can attribute most of what I know to her.
I love my home but it feels empty without Wyatt in it.  Its like I'm lost. Goes to show how much a part of me he is.
Finding the right person and being with the right person is the answer to most things.

My home still smells like my Nana from time to time.  I don't know why and its usually after we haven't been home in a while.  It is oddly comforting and a gentle reminder to appreciate the history in these walls.
I always try to make my time away from Wyatt productive but there is something utterly glorifying about being able to sleep late.
I am becoming more and more like my parents.  Demanding everyone come to Christmas Eve mass was like having my Dad take over my voice for a few minutes.
Cards Against Humanity can make me laugh until I cry.
I am addicted to live music.  Any time, any where.
To date Wyatt has traveled with me to: Vermont, Massachusetts, Connecticut, Maryland, North Carolina, California, Colorado, New Hampshire, New Jersey, Pennsylvania, Florida, all over New York, and most recently Texas.  Kid is well traveled already. Maybe out of the country next?

I enjoy spending time with my family.  Ain't no shame in that.
Sometimes all the heartache makes sense.  Its all just preparation for the real deal.
The Audi.  My God, the Audi.  So outlandish.  So amazing.  6 months later and I'm still waiting for the buyers remorse to kick in.
Spying on Wyatt in Ski School was beyond worth looking creepy for.
Unsuccessfully spying on Wyatt on his first day of kindergarten was definitely creepy.
I always knew the homeownership was hard but I don't think I was physically prepared for the seasonally drudgery.

I have much more love in my heart then I could have ever dreamed of.
I learned that the top 3 things that I am most grateful for this year: was meeting John, our new home, and Wyatt and our ever-suportive, loving family.  Makes you realize whats really important.
The Star Wars obsession is getting a little out of control. I mean really.
Sometimes the best things happen when you're not looking.
When it comes to my son, I am fiercely loyal, beyond proud, and so filled with love.  He continues to be the best part of me and the most amazing source of joy and pride.
Despite its slightly rough beginning, 2013 turned out to be one for the record books.  I can't wait to see what 2014 holds for us.

House - Phase Two

I have the most amazing memories in this living room.  From hours spent with family eating cheese and crackers on the floor. A thousand Christmas' with the room close to bursting with family, wrapping paper, and stocking presents.  Nights spent with high school friends drinking illegally while my grandparents were in Florida.  In my memory it has never changed.  It couldn't have always been those plaid couches with that stencil on the wall but it feels like it has.  Changing the kitchen was hard for me but this room was worse.  It was Nana's kitchen but this was where I spent most of my time.  The plaid couches aren't really my style but I wanted to preserve the feel of the room, the memories, the happiness. 

I changed the couches but they are still in the same spots.  Ikea really is amazing (and really the only thing I can afford!)  I have yet to replace the curtains.  After all the changes I have made I can't seem to decide on curtains.  Its weird.  But for the most part, I left this room alone.  I repainted.  I refinished the floors through the entire downstairs.  I replaced and put up moldings.  But for the most part I kept the layout the same.  With the piano, the fireplace, the gorgeous arboretum, and the family as the focus.  Can we talk about the rug for a minute?!  I got the floors redone. (AMAZING!!  An incredible oak pattern in the living room and cherry in the dining room.) And then I bought these rugs on Overstock.com.  Yes, overstock.  The first one was so beautiful and plush and just incredible that I ordered another one for the dining room, and a runner for up the stairs, and a different pattern for my bedroom.  Best purchase ever.  I kept the coffee table because I always loved it.  But it turns out that a Great Uncle made it for them.

One of the big changes that I decided to make (with the encouragement of Gammy) was to switch the dinning room and den.  Originally, in the Cape style house, the den was off to the back of the house, with the staircase going up the middle of the house it was kind of hidden.  The dinning room was the bright one with the gorgeous bay window off the kitchen. 

So, after a lot of help moving outlets, I switched them.  And got new carpet installed because there was no hardwood flooring in this room which kinda seemed appropriate for a den.  I also installed 3 ceiling fans mostly myself with Dads help throughout the house.  Go me. I have to say it is a choice that makes sense.  It gets the most sun in the morning.  Its directly off the kitchen, the rooms where Wyatt and I spend the most of our time.  It is also kind of removed from the stairs so I can watch a movie without worrying about waking Wyatt upstairs.   And, clearly, this is where we spent our first night's pouf party.

Lastly, downstairs, is the den.  Ahh the deer heads and the tiny couch.  My Grandpa spent a majority of his time here.  It was cozy, manly, always very dark.  The deer heads still creep me out.  I actually had to vacuum them at one time during this process.  It was terrifying.  They now live in the basement and they love it down there until they find another permanent home. (Ebay, anyone?) 

I tried to take the exact same pictures (although the before was with my phone and after with my Nikon) and I am pretty proud of myself when I see the side by side.  First, the chair rail.  This was the first one I have ever done by myself.  I say myself but it was with the help of my friend Jon.  I pretty much bossed him around and gasped when I thought he was cutting it wrong and I nailed it up.  It is beautiful.  And even though it is my least used room, I love it the most.  I think its classic and inviting and just big enough for a dinning room; comfortable but still cozy.

 Another dining room shot just to show off the floors.  Most of the downstairs is oak that I kept very light.  But the dining room turned out to be cherry.  The floor guys recommend that I stain it to try to keep it the same as the rest of the house.  I refused.  I made them leave it natural.   Throughout the house there is oak, cherry and pine. It tells the story of the house.  How my Great grandfather took the bits that he had and made it himself.  I love the history of it, let it be.  I love the rugs but I almost wish I got a smaller size in the living room just to show the floors off.

Finally I just wanted to show a picture from the kitchen into the den. I think it really shows how far along it has come.  Yes, a lot of it is painting.  The only thing I haven't painted yet is the stairway hallway. I've painted almost every wall, ceiling, molding, and radiator in the house. I picked out three colors for the majority of the house.  A blue, a green and a white.  My thought was to have all three color be seen in each room.  So the den has three blue walls and one green looking into the kitchen that has three white walls and one green.  It sounds chaotic.  Even to me.  But somehow it works.  From every person who has been here, they say how nice the flow is.  How homey everything is.  How it just feels comfortable, like you want to grab a drink from the fridge and stay a while.  Of course that is what you strive for but sometimes it doesn't quite get there.

PS. Don't you love that Wyatt is almost in the exact same spot in both pictures. Look closely.  He's a ham.

Upstairs coming up next...

Gammy's Ode

We spent the first night in our new home on April 10th.  (More on that later...)  I received this letter as an email from Gammy shortly after. I think it stands to reason that Wyatt made just as much of an impression on her, as she did on him.  Thankfully, we didn't move very far.

To Future Wyatt,

When you look back on your youth, you might not even remember that you lived with me and Pa for your first five years. I could tell you about all the lessons and values I attempted to instill in you along with your momma but instead let me tell you some of the lessons you taught me.

 1.  Love +++ There is no limit to love. You proved that to us all, at times we were busting with it and just when we thought 'That's it I can’t possibly love this child anymore' you would come out with yet another antic that would stretch the boundary a little further.

2. Anger +++ It’s impossible to be angry, sad, or mad when you have someone snuggled up in your lap.

3.  Family +++  At dinnertime you would look around the table and remember who was missing and were happiest when all the chairs were filled. Family means everything!

4. Creativity  +++ Legos are amazing. You taught me everything I know and helped me to become as obsessed as you are. We spent many happy and creative hours building, rebuilding and then modifying. 

5. Bravery +++ You taught me not to be afraid of General Grievous from Star Wars (I have to admit I am still a little intimidated trying to fight him with a light saber on the Wii.) You encourage me to try my best and it warms my heart when you say to me “Try to be brave Gammy!” I will try Wyatt and I feel I will always be bravest when you are with me.

6. Books +++  No matter if its past your bedtime,  there is always time to read a book. And when the light goes out we can still tell stories. Remember the one where your birthday party was in a spaceship and your presents were floating around because of the anti-gravity and you had to put on your gravity boots and jump around to catch your presents. Unforgettable moments that I was lucky enough to share with you.

I could go on but I think you know now how much these five years have meant to me. Thank you Kate and Wyatt for letting me share so closely in this amazing journey. I know this is not an ending just a new chapter and we will have many more happy moments ahead. You two have been a great joy and blessing to me and continue to be everyday. I love and adore you both.

With heartfelt love from your Gammy of the past.

Things I Learned in 2012

I learned how to remove a vanity and repaint cabinets.
Turning 30 is much easier in sunny weather with people who have known you forever.
Everyone's pain, pleasure, sorrow, despair, elation is relative.
I find fireplaces endlessly comforting.
Wyatt is becoming social being.  Its going to be a long few years.
I learned that sometimes it is worth spending a little more money to get exactly what you want.

Canceling a trip really sucks but knowing that you're part of a family that will never leave anyone behind is priceless.
Wyatt will always be able to make me laugh no matter what.
Lizzy continues to be the strongest woman I know.
Therapy is about bettering myself not about fixing something that is wrong.
Rich drunk or business drunk its ok to drive on Centre Island.
I learned that Wyatt is far more patient then I will ever be.

You don't know what you have till its gone.
Some people get stuck in my heart for way longer then they deserve to be there.
Disney will always get me giddy.
Nothing ever goes as planned in renovations.
I would rather be disappointed then lower my expectations.
I look forward to time away from Wyatt but I also look forward to coming home 10 minutes after I leave.

I love making places my own.
I can't wait to teach Wyatt about things that I love; skiing was the tip of the iceberg.
Natural disasters bring out the best and worst in people.
I am still a sucker for pick-up trucks; works every time.  Its embarrassing.
You can predict how you will react but you don't ever really know till you're there.
I learned to never let someone else make me feel bad about myself.

Cash still needs a lot of work but somehow he fits right in.
I am committed to not making the same mistakes over and over again.
Wyatt's stage acting debut was everything I ever hoped it to be.
My downfall has been getting an iPad and iPhone.  I am officially addicted.  How did I functional without them.
Dating with a child is hard.  Like really hard. Or maybe I just haven't found the right person yet.
I miss crazy nights in Long Beach with Jen.  Long Beach, I love you.

Saying "yes" to all options opens up endless doors.
I learned how to make a mean lasagna.
I am hoping that moving out will give us more space to let good things in.
All this responsibility gets overwhelming, every once and while I have to go out and be reckless.
If you say "Hey Wyatt, ring ring."  He will respond with "I just called to say I love you."  Its the best.
There are so many things in 2013 I am looking forward to already.  I am excited for the surprises that lay in store.

Things I Learned in 2011

I learned that Wyatt is a phenomenal traveler.  I could take that kid anywhere.
I actually shockingly enjoy cooking but it has to be my idea and in my time frame.
True friends, no matter how long the absence, will always feel like you saw them yesterday.
Funniest Home Videos always gets me laughing. And it seems to be genetic. Wyatt laughs every time too.
Getting your heart broken sucks. But watching Wyatt's heart get broken is devastating.
I will always feel more like myself when I am near the ocean.

I learned that stepping on Lego's barefoot is horribly painful.
South Carolina still feels like home, even after all these years.
My family is not normal. In a good way.
Cash is a great dog, he just hasn't reached his full potential yet.
I hate texting.
Despite my best efforts, Wyatt will pick up unsavory behavior that I will have no control over, ie: phumming, spiderman, ninjas, etc.

I have learned that what will be, will be and there is really not much I can do about it.
I am really going to miss Lizzy when she goes back to school.
We live in a really small town, sometimes I love this and other times I hate it.
I can't say no to a cuddly sleepy child.
Lazer hair removal was the most frivolous thing I have ever done. But I am SO happy with the results.
I love giving gifts but sometimes it is also nice to receive. I need to get better at receiving.

I have learned to let go. I cannot fix everything. I am only human. Sometimes you just have to let go.
I am not Shakespeare but writing helps me get through everything.
Wyatt can find joy in the littlest things. I am going to try and be more like him this year.
Everything is temporary, the good and the bad.
I am proud that I am happy 8 out of every 10 days. I would just rather be happy.
There are no rules in the game of love. I can't help what my heart wants no matter what my brain says.

I will never get tired of listening to Wyatt put Cash in time out.
Life moves so fast, don't blink or you might miss something.
Wyatt's imagination is forcing me to be more creative. I accept the challenge. Let's see what we can dream up in 2012.
I still need to learn to stop being so optimistic and a little more realistic.
I am a sucker for calloused hands and a pickup truck. Works every time.
Long Beach is an instant vacation. I love it there and could never thank Jen enough for introducing us.

I have learned to keep my family and sisters top priority; I will let nothing come in between our relationship again.
Wyatt says the most amazing and hilarious things. I vow to start carrying a notepad to get them all down.
You never know how quickly life can change.
I will never grow tired of being Wyatt's Mom.
My most favorite time of day is bedtime, reading books to Wyatt, and feeling him fall asleep in the crook of my arm. And I am lucky enough that I get to do it almost every night.
I am ready for my next big adventure.

Things I Learned in 2010

I learned that I can be happy everyday.  Being happy is a choice.
Netflix is amazing - minus that 28 day rule.
I somehow forgot that training a puppy is endlessly annoying.
Wyatt remembers everything except no throwing things in the house.
I learned to endorse co-sleeping. My son sleeps with me.  This will not always be the case. Deal with it.
Lizzy will always get what she wants. (see: iPad for xmas, extra 5G's off tuition for No apparent reason, the bigger bedroom, Dr's notes to get out of finals, a boyfriend, a job she goes to when she feels like it, a handicap parking space, etc, etc.)

I am still learning to taking a deep breath and do things that aren't the popular choice but the right choice for me.
The older Wyatt gets the more assured I become that his name is absolutely perfect for him.
Smart phones are a blessing and a curse, I now understand the term crackberry.
Cute dogs can still be stupid.
I spend more time worrying then events actually warrant.
Wyatt is perfectly adaptable in every situation.

I learned that living with a toddler is ENDLESSLY amusing.
I really enjoy camping and would like to start a yearly tradition.
Potty training was wicked easy. (Yes, I am rubbing it in.)
I have perfected the art of completely blocking/ignoring people.
I love my adventure dates with Wyatt, we are the perfect explorers.
I cannot squirt shaving cream one-handed. I will shoot myself in the face.

First days of school are nerve-wracking, no matter who is going.
I learned that 10 years is a long time to harbor silly insecurities.  Let. It. Go. Already.
The Magic Kingdom castle is magical at any age.
Having a best friend that works in the medical field is AMAZING.  I can never feel stupid about calling Jen at 2am to talk about Wyatt's runny nose.
I can get totally lost and engrossed in a book.
Wyatt will entertain, astound, and enlighten me everyday of my life.

The best moment of my day is picking up Wyatt and having him run into my arms.
I learned how to recognize what I want and to believe that I am worth it.
I am a sucker for new technology.
Traveling by yourself is kind of lonely and kind of liberating.
I learned that Lizzy's idea of babysitting is watching Wyatt and the Jersey Shore at the same time.
Some of my best nights are spent with my girls.

After years of spending New Years Eve in Times Square, I would never imagine myself so content to spend it in bed at 9pm with a super cuddly 2 year old.  The perfect way to bring in the new year!
I have learned more life lessons from Wyatt then I ever thought possible.
I am a social person and when I don't interact with people I just get weird.
Lock up your Damn underwear already!
I am a really good mom and am really proud of that.
I have so much more to learn.

Birthday Introspective

Dear Kate,

You turned 10,220 days old on the 19th.  Which seems like a very large, assuming number to be alive on this planet.  There is a lot of things you can do with 10,000+ days.  But it has come and past.  And you're still alive, still breathing, still loving life.  See?  It wasn't that scary.  So, what do you have to say for yourself?

First thing is you don't feel 28.  You just don't.  The minute you popped out that gorgeous baby, time has stood still and you began counting your life in Wyatt years rather then Kate years.  Each year that number gets higher and higher and you still feel like 25.  The only thing that whips you out of this senility is when you have to tell someone that Wyatt is 2 and a half.  Then you have to shake your head saying, "Wait a minute." Then begin counting on your fingers how old you actually might be.  I can only imagine that it is going to get worse; getting to a point where you look at your old self in the mirror asking "who the hell is that?"

I think you should be proud of yourself.  Even though, right now while your writing this letter to your older then 28 self, you don't feel very proud.  You feel that the overall outcome of those 10,000+ days doesn't amount to much.  That you still feel unfinished as a person.  And unaccomplished in your career. And very isolated and incapable in your love life.  That the light of your potential has dimmed somewhat.  That your drive, creativity, and passion has been dulled and tarnished.  That maybe you will never stop asking "what if" before jumping.

But I want you to focus not on the total sum of those 10,000+ days but rather today.  Right now.  Presently and when you read this to your older then 28 self.  How do you feel?  Everyday?

You are happy.  Period.  So, does the sum really matter?  Doesn't the happy cancel everything else out?

You wake up every morning to this angelic face saying good morning and laughing together.  Laughing before the covers have been thrown off.  Laughter instead of alarm clocks.  You have the financial savvy and the support of your parents to ALLOW you to spend time with that angel EVERYDAY.  If you want to lounge in your PJ's and he wants to run around naked all day, you can.  You get to dance and play and sing, everyday.  You get to go to the beach and watch him sit clothed in the salt water.  He says "I love you, Momma" before he falls asleep. You get to watch, participate in, and live unrestrained joy everyday.

You have parents who have shown you what true love is.  That have taught you commitment, compassion, teamwork, and sacrifice.  That taught you to take pride in yourself and your work.  Parents that love, adore, and dote on your child everyday.  That have ingrained in you to care for your loved ones no matter what.  That have given you the strength to love others with all of yourself because it does take strength. You have family that would give you their last shirt off their backs and vice versa.  A family that laughs together and takes vacations together.  A family that likes to be around each other.  Do you understand how rare that is?  You have sisters that, although you are seemingly not very close, would do anything for you and you for them.  You adore them and your life is more complete because they are in it.

You have a home.  A real home.  It might not be a house to call your own but its a home.  Filled with love and familiarity.  Filled with generations of friends that don't knock on the door and help themselves out of your chock full cabinets.  Filled with amazing memories, traditions, and every comfort you could ask for.  And people to come home to! And dinners where everyone helps to prepare a meal where you share a table.  Best of all, and a little gluttonous, you can do chores when you feel like it!

You have friends, oh God, do you have some damn good friends.  Friends that have been there for you since you were 3 and friends that you have just met and friends in between.  Friends that make Wyatt ask "Why are you laughing so much?" when your on the phone.  That inspire you.  That pick you up when your down and know the exact things to say.  Friends that you, literally, could not live without.

You have a dog, that's.....well.....um.....cute.

The point is, I know you are going to have times in your life, whether 28, 35, or 76, that you are going to feel doubtful.  Thats when I want you to drag out this letter and remind yourself that is isn't the sum total of your days that make you successful.  It isn't the checklist of life; the house, kids, marriage, career.  Its your everyday.  The everyday that make up the moments you will remember for your whole life.  The memories that fill up your days at 102 wishing that you had told yourself at 28 to take the time to burn those happy moments into your memory.  I am telling you to slow down.  To breathe.  Calm your life down.  And remember that you are happy, everyday.  That is the only thing that really matters.

Love, Kate
Ps. Thats a picture of you, at 3 months old.  You can accomplish A LOT in 10,000+ days.

It all Comes Rushing Back

I have been having a challenging time with Wyatt lately.  He seems to be exercising his right to say No more or he's testing his limits.  Something.  But it doesn't make me happy.  Its harder to get out of the door. Its harder to get him in the bath. Its harder in general.  I have to play my A-game all the time or else he out smarts me.  And the whining, my God, the whining.  I can handle crying but the whining for HOURS.  It drives me nuts.  He's just so cute about it too.  I'll ask him to put his shoes on and he'll go "Just one more minute.  One minute," holding up his little index finger.  But after 10 more minutes, he still won't budge and I have run out of creative excuses.  What do I do?  I was under the impression that the hardest part was over.  Not so.

Anyway, I was cleaning out my night stand bookcase.  Removing my belongings from the ONE area left in my room that hasn't been invading to make space for Wyatt's books.  It was a border-line bad day.  It seemed that everything we did there was a fight.  It was hot.  Both of us were crabby and so I cleaned while Wyatt played on the train table in the AC.  A cool down moment in many ways.  I stumbled upon a journal entry that I wrote before I started the blog.  It made me smile. It made me remember why, even on hard days, I need to reach down deep and pull out all my patience.  Remember that I need to give Wyatt the very best of me, everyday, no matter how cranky we are, or how hot it is, or how tired and worn out I am.  Its dated June 10th 2007.

I took my first pregnancy test last night.  Positive.  I'm 24 years old, not married, currently not employed, and with no health insurance.  Clearly not the most perfect circumstances.  But I don't ever plan anything.  It's the Kate way.  I have always wanted to be a mother.  I never imagined that I would be the first in the family, the first of my friends.  I guess sometimes you can't plan and can't question.  I was meant to have a child now.  It was definately a surprise but a blessing. 


I took the test at Rebecca's appartment and had plans to go out with some friends.  Rebecca and I were getting ready, the pregancy test burning a hole into my bag, and I just had to know.   Right then.  Rebecca was stressing about her roomates, her social life, her career, her love life. I casually mentioned I was freaking out about something too.  She looked straight in my eyes and said, "You're pregnant, right?"  She was very surprised and tried to play it off like no big deal but her excitement shone though her every word.  It was always a joke in the family that I would have children and Rebecca would raise them.  Despite our rough relationship during childhood she has become my best friend.  I couldn't imagine my life without her in it.


I took my teacher certification exams and was planning on going out to celebrate with Rebecca and then RJ and some Fordham friends at the Barrow St Pub.  I stopped drinking on the spot.  I still went out and quietly drank sprite, thinking I was fooling peolple with my lime garnish, while everyone else was doing shots.  Rebecca was proud of me that I was already caring for you, changing my life to make the best one for you.  You became my number one priority from the minute that test turned positive.


I don't know what I am going to do or how everything is going to work out.  But I know that you will always be loved.  You are going to be the first of a new generation.  I know you'll be spoiled and will never have to go without.  I am not going to let anyone know until I'm 3 months.  I want to make sure you're all right.  My tasks are cut out before me.  Job hunt starts now.  Health insurance is a huge priority.  That was the very beginning of you.

The Apple of My Eye

I've been feeling very stagnant lately.  My days flow in and out of each other, barely distinguishable.  I play with Wyatt, work, cook, walk, naptime, bedtime, bathtime, clothing, potty, park, library, store; lather, rinse, repeat. I get stuck in routine. Wake up at 8, to bed at 11.  Its not that I am not motivated, I'm motivated for Wyatt's well being and lifestyle but not my own. I take Wyatt on field trips, walks to the beach, play dates, but I won't do the same for myself.  I enjoy putting Wyatt to bed every night.  Telling him fairytale stories while adding details that he gives me.  Feeling him roll into me, his body relaxing, listening to his breath deepen.  Its the one time that I get to have my baby back.  Putting him to sleep usually puts me to sleep.  I am content to cuddle in for the night.  Terry tries to comes home every other weekend.  We play family.  I like to think that its good for Wyatt to see his parents happy and laughing together.  I trick myself into thinking that its enough for me.  It quenches my desire to have an intact family.  Just when I get motivated to change my habits, I get another dose and the storm passes.  I become torn between my needs as a single woman and my commitment, love, and awe inspiring devotion to be there for my son every second.  I know it is important for me to have time for myself.  And I do make time but its hard not to feel guilty for taking that time away from Wyatt.  (Yes, I know I could go out while he is sleeping.  But I hate feeling groggy and hungover for him the next day.  That's not fair either.)

I have been scolding myself.  Stop falling into the routine.  Stop being complacent.  Ignite your dreams.  Stop talking and start doing.  You're young.  Sleep is for babies.  Be a little more adventurous.  I asked Jen to be my guardian.  Forcing me to go out and be social if she catches me staying in too often.   I decided that if I can't bare to part with him, I would make adventures for the both of us.  I took him into the city with me last week.  I met a old college friend that I haven't seen in about 2 years.  We met in Central Park at a playground.  While Wyatt enjoyed his new surroundings and other toddlers, I conversed like a grown up with Pawel.  We sat at the Mall eating hot dogs with Wyatt making us laugh.  I took Pawel on the carousel for the first time.  Wyatt sat on Pawel's shoulders for a better view of the packed seal exhibit at the Zoo.  Wyatt loved the bustling of the streets and the TRUCKS.  OH. MY. GOD. THE. TRUCKS!!

We traveled to our old stomping ground letting my past and present life collide.  Wyatt ran around on the grass at Fordham while we filled each other in on the last 2 years.  I was reminded of the time I ran around on the grass playing Helena in an impromptu reading of Midsummer for Shakespeare on the Plaza.  We met up with Rebecca and walked to happy hour with seating outside in the sun.  I was nervous about bringing Wyatt but he promptly pasted out in his stroller.  He slept through my 2 beers.  Other friends met up.  Hayley after work and RJ after a reading of a play downtown.  We went from a table of 4 to a table of 10 while Wyatt slept.  It was so refreshing, so enlightening.  I can do this.  Wyatt is amazing.  He adapts.  I can actually have my cake and eat it too.  He sat on my lap adjusting to the new atmosphere then sat on a chair by Rebecca wearing sunglasses and eating chips.  Then he took a walk with Hayley to see the fountain.  We parted with everyone around 8 and walked 20 blocks to the car while I told Wyatt stories about my life in the city.  Only receiving a few odd looks.  When we got home, with ice cream, Wyatt and I couldn't stop talking about our trip.  Now that the weather is getting nicer I am making EXTREME efforts to get into the city with Wyatt at least once a month.  There is no reason not to.

Just to show myself up, that weekend I packed Wyatt up to visit Kelly in CT for a night.  Because, you know, why not?!  We went to KidCity this utterly amazing indoor play extravaganza and museum.  Wyatt could have stayed there for days, no weeks. He was hysterical running from room to room.  He made himself at home in Kelly's house.  Commanding the TV and promptly spewing toys in every direction.  Kelly had her bikes hanging from the ceiling in the garage and Wyatt thought this was "silly. Very silly."  He got a heinous bloody nose, for no apparent reason, that he refused to let me hold with a towel.  Blood dripped on his shirt and down his face.  Thankfully I managed to corral him out of the carpeted rooms.  There was an EMT, a cop, and a fireman.  We were safe.  I felt safe.  The next day Wyatt asked to go home.  So we did.  Just in time for Elizabeth's 5th Birthday party at the firehouse and the Wee-oh Wee-oh trucks.  OH. MY. GOD. THE. TRUCKS!!

I am dreaming up more big adventures for ourselves.  Maybe when Wyatt is 5 or 6 or 7 and can understand the adventure we'll go to Australia for a month.  Maybe we'll do a trip every year for a month.  Start off small, English speaking.  Then go to Thailand, China, Russia, Egypt as he gets older.  We can learn together.  How amazing that would be?!  He would be the most well-traveled kid in school.  And I would get to live out one of my dreams.  Maybe for now, I'll start small.  Just carve out a night for myself once a week.  Stop being complacent.  Ignite your dreams.  Dream big.

Things I Learned in 2009

I learned that age is a state of mind.

Moving home was the best thing I could ever do for Wyatt. He is surround by family that adores him and he, in turn, has filled our home with laughter.

I have reached my Backyardigans limit. I'm sorry Wyatt. I'm tapping out.

Despite first impressions, working for a church is never dull.

I am surprisingly in love with that stupid dog, renamed Doctor Pupstein, aka Pup.

I will always search for the silver lining in every situation and every person.

Hard times will come but eventually the good times will come too.

Sometimes all I need is five minutes and a cup of tea to clear my head.

I am still using a bottle in my hand as a security blanket, if I am uncomfortable undoubtedly a beer will make me feel more assured.

Life moves slowly when you are waiting for it to go.

My family grows stronger and more resilient every year despite hardships endured.

Pity parties are boring.

Every store I walk into I will find something for Wyatt. I have learned not to look.

I tend to make mountains out of molehills.

I am terrified of other peoples children, despite having my own.

I have been hurt, I will be hurt again, and there is nothing I can do about it.

Wyatt's angelic face still catches me of guard. How is it possible that I have created something so beautiful?

I am terrible at keeping in touch but I think about my friends (old and new) on a daily basis.

I am slowly being pushed out of my own bed by a toddler's size 7 and a snoring puppy that must be in contact with my body at all times. I have been contemplating curling up at the bottom of the bed. There will be more room for me that way.

My patience is a work in progress.

I am an eternal optimist, sometimes to a fault.

There is nothing more exhilarating to me then the first few months of a relationship when sleep doesn't matter.

Its easier to blame others then take responsibly for our actions. I do not want to be that person.

I am grateful for every break in my heart. It has made me who I am today.

We (meaning our entire household and a few frequenters of 105) are on a first name basis with the entire cast of Cars, which is extremely impressive since my Dad can barely remember my name half the time.

I am very sensitive regarding my mothering skills and tend to take every comment to heart. I am working on fixing this.

Online dating is not as scary or intimidating as I thought. Actually, it can be down right fun.

I have added words like sacristy, eucharist, vestments, Lambeth, and episcopalian into my daily vocabulary.

All I need is a hug from my son to make any bad feeling melt away.

I take my family for granted. Period.

When my sisters and I are together we revert to children. I honestly think that this will still ring true when I'm 50. What can I say? They bring out the best in me.

I would rather live in a messy house then miss one minute of Wyatt's cuteness.

I've learned to keep breathing.

Mothering a toddler is much harder then mothering a baby.

I can be extremely motivated or extremely lazy and usually nothing in between.

Wyatt continues to be my joy, my greatest love, and the best thing about me.

In the Wood

Tigger and Eeyore have spent years running around the Hundred Acre Wood together as best friends. They have a lot in common and have a blast together but for several reasons their relationship has never gone further then friendship. Tigger has always believed that there was something special between them. A level of trust, compassion, and honesty that comes only with a few friendships.

Its only a matter of time before Tigger starts questioning. They have always been a little bit more then friends. Why not go there? Lets see, take the jump. They have always gotten along brilliantly and relationships based in friendship are the ones that tend to last. And Tigger thinks that maybe this is our time. Maybe there has always been something more but she was too blind to see it. Maybe, just maybe, they could be something great.

She wasn't asking marriage or commitment but simply an open heart and a progression of something that had already been started. And the answer was no. After all they have been through. After all the laughter, tears, and dreaming, Eeyore had no desire to give it even an inkling of a try. Eeyore was being honest, you must give him credit for that. Tigger, oh Tigger, the foolish eternal optimist was like a child with her eyes shut and fingers in her ears. No was not the answer she wanted to hear. What devastated Tigger most of all was that Eeyore was simply unwilling to try.

Tigger was foolish to have any hope in the first place. They are so different. Tigger: bouncy, jovial, outgoing and energetic. Eeyore: quiet, lonesome, reclusive, and always loosing that DAMN TAIL. Can you imagine? Tigger and Eeyore settling down in Eeyore’s 3 post tent. Tigger's perpetual pleasant liveliness would surely drive Eeyore mad. Tigger would eventually give up trying to break through the impenatrable emotionless fortress surrounding Eeyore. And giving up on anything is the beginning of the end. Do they wait, hope, pray for each other to change or call a spade a spade? Asking each other to change, is asking too much.

Now Tigger is having a hard time seeing friendship in Eeyore. There are only so many times you can be hurt before you realize that they just don’t have your best interest in their hearts, which every true friend should. Losing a lover is one thing but losing a friend that has been woven deep into the fabric of ones heart is a far deeper cut. Tigger is trying to rebound, bounce back and just can't. This new world is strange, untrue, and ominous. Tigger woke up one morning to find that the world had turned upside down and she is learning to walk all over again.

Maybe Eeyore was right to stop it before it started. Whether now or later, it was only a matter of time before they arrived at the same conclusion. But just because Eeyore might have been right doesn't make it hurt less.

My Piglet, I hope that maybe this will help to put some pieces of your puzzle together when you are searching. Because you might not be now but eventually you will want to know.

I Love You Holland

I have always wanted to do something like this. I used to fantasize about it, especially in High School. I wanted to organize my friends to walk around the mall in a random order then merge together to do a number from Newsies. Rebecca and I had most of the dances down from Newsies anyway. I thought it would be easy. Now I realize that it is probably much more difficult then I imagined and have a great respect for things like this. I used to think that I was really mentally unstable for wanted to choreograph a large dance number in a public place but seeing people actually accomplish this feat makes me think I am somewhat normal. Well, maybe a little more theatrical then normal. I hope you enjoy this. I did.

25 Things - Cause Everyone is Doing It

So, this Facebook thing is taking over my life and I have finally succumbed.  I was going to switch it up a little and write 25 things that I know and love about Lizzy but decided that the public humiliation might send her over the top.   So, in an attempt to compromise, I will do every other.  I'll take the odds and give Lizzy the evens. Lizzy, you can thank me later for being so generous.  

1 - I am, perhaps, thee worst speller on the planet.  I have to spell-check every blog about 12 times before I am confident enough to post and even then there are still mistakes.  I lost my 3rd grade spelling bee to "Window" and it wasn't until about 5th grade that I learned how to spell "always".  My friend Nicole finally corrected me after I had been signing my notes "Love all ways" for all my life. 

2 - Lizzy has an array of fuzzy, cartoon print, oversized, static cling pajama pants that she wears so much they are form fitted to her body.  I think she could wear a different pair every day for 6 months and not run out.  I don't know why this annoys me other then sometimes I feel like I live with MC Hammer.

3 - I am a huge fan of old fashion mail.  When I had more time on my hands, I used to try to send letters to my friends, actual hand written letters.  I like thinking about the person receiving the letter; a look of surprise on their face when reading the return address.  Then sitting and holding a piece of paper that was once physically in my hands.  I wish I had time to do that more often.

4 - Lizzy did not know how to flush the toilet until she was 16, literally.  Sometimes I think it was out of laziness but other times I think she was secretly afraid that the toilet was going to eat her if she remained in the bathroom while the flush happened.

5 - I have this weird obsession with zit popping and nose picking.  I know its gross but I can't help myself.  I try to blame my nose picking on my nose ring but my family has learned otherwise.  If I see a zit, even if it is on some other face, I really have a greatest overwhelming urge to pop it.  Usually I have to look away or else I might do it.

6 - Whenever I need a good pick-me-up I watch old home videos of Lizzy.  My favorites include potty training where she sticks her face in the potty, looks up holding her nose and says "ewwww".  Then there is the stirring rendition of the Lion King all the lyrics having a 2 year old spin.  For example, "Can't you feel the love tonight, tonight" and "I'm gonna be a mighty king that people can see before" and "It's the Circle of the night".  Seriously, I am laughing just thinking about it.

7 - We played manhunt as kids around our neighborhood, maybe about 10 or so of us.  I loved manhunt but was terrified of the dark.  I always hid within sight lines of my house and a light unless I was with someone else.  Sometimes I wonder if when Wyatt comes into my room because there is a monster under his bed will I respond with "Shit Monsters! Lock the door!" 

8 - Us three girls tend to do a lot of physical fighting which is mostly directed at Lizzy because she is the littlest.  Not to actually hurt one another but more as a way to pass time or to show affection.  However, most of the time I do it because Lizzy is the clumsiest, most awkward, entirely spastic person I have ever met.  One quick lunge and guaranteed she is on the floor, a puddle of limbs.

9 -  I save everything but hate clutter, the living oxymoron.  I have every college paper that Hayley wrote for, every program for the shows I was involved in, every note Kari passed me, and every birthday card my mother wrote me.  However, I hate clutter and will throw out everything that is unnecessary.  I need everything to have a place, a box, a drawer, a shelf.  All my surfaces need to be object free, books in height order, and pens separated from pencils.

10 - Lizzy insists on watching mind numbing shows like Paris Hilton's New Best Friend and that crazy Parental Control dating show.  Channel surfing is one thing but she actually DVR's them.  Her one redeeming TV watching habit is she also DVR's the The Office.  So, I guess she is forgiven. 

11 - I rub my feet together when I am going to sleep.  When I sleep with someone else, I put my feet as far away from the other person as possible so they won't know.  I always thought I was being every inconspicuous until recently when Eric told me he has know about my feet rubbing for years.  Funny thing is my mom does it and Wyatt seems to be doing it too.

12 - We have this spindly apple tree in our backyard with branches low enough to climb.  There is this one spot that intersects perfectly to make a little seat.  Lizzy used to take one of our couch cushions and sit in the "Y", reading, singing, playing with dolls.  She would stay up there for hours, crazy tree hugger. 

13 - Rebecca and I wrote a nasty letter to our cousin Emily when I was 7.  I don't remember what the quarell was about.  After depositing the letter in their mailbox, we ran back home and hid.  Michael was down a few minutes later, yelling at us for being mean and defending his sisters honor.  I watched him from the upstairs window pace around our house, very, very upset.  I regret that letter to this day even though I can't remember what is written.  This incident was a primary reason that I didn't want to have a girl.  I don't think I could handle mean little girls.

14 - Lizzy is convinced that her cat, Delilah, is a kind, gentle, lovable feline.  In reality, the cat is EVIL!!! (with three exclamation points!!!).  She tortures our other cat, who is deaf, clawing at her while hiding around the corner.  Delilah is a wild beast that bites anyone she comes in contact with and ritually run around the house like a 5 year old with a nasty pixie stick/coke habit.  Clearly, Delilah has Lizzy brain washed.  Lizzy named Delilah after the song by the Plain White Tees.  However, I am reminded of a Samson and Delilah bit done in a Vegas show with leather thongs and chains.  I think mine is more appropriate.

15 - I am utterly obsessed with jigsaw puzzles and have been my entire life.  I was doing 500 piece puzzles when I was 5 which my mom says is very impressive.  I did a ton of puzzles when I lived in SC.  There is sometimes tremendously satisfying about every piece having a place.  When I get a piece in I rub my finger over the connection like I'm making a wish.  I do it every time.

16 - Lizzy told me once that she wants her wedding song to be "Cash, Money, Hoes".  I haven't decided if she was kidding or not.

17 - I have a weird food texture issue.  I hate raw tomatoes but will eat tomato sauce without the chunks and ketchup.  I also hate bananas, baked apples as in pie, cottage cheese, and hot dogs.  I am not sure how the hot dogs play into the texture issues but I still can't eat them. 

18 - The other night, Lizzy was trying to convince Rebecca and I that she had really huge arm muscles.  She would flex her arm then try to peck us like a rabid chicken.  When making this ridiculous motion she would yell, "Watch out, the python is going to get you."  If this wasn't enough to send me on the floor in a fit of laughter, when she did make contact it was like getting bit by a mosquito.

19 - Since I stopped breast feeding, my boobs have shrunk.  I have always been a C, then was up to a D cup and now am down to a B.  This makes me very depressed basically because none of my shirts seem to fit right anymore.  I thought you have what you have.  Evidently, along with every other aspect of my body after pregnancy, my boobs are no longer my own.  I hope they grow back.  I must, I must, I must increase my bust.

20 -  To this day, Lizzy is still unable to pronounce our Aunt Carolyn's name.  She says something like Aunt Cal-o-Rine.  We have tried to correct her several times but she is unable to fix it.  

21 - Every Thanksgiving, Rebecca, Emily, Michael and I put on concerts for the family.  We would work all day on the dance and song routine then perform for the family after dinner.  Basically, Michael and I wanted to showcase our talents and Rebecca and Emily were always the back up.  Michael and I were Simba and Nala, Rebecca and Emily were Timon and Pumba.  Ringo and George to our Paul and John.  Kind of explains a lot.

22 - Lizzy is very musically inclined.  When she first started taking showers, maybe around 6 or 7, she would sing.  Loudly.  About blackbirds.  We used to crowd around the bathroom door to listen, like our own private concert.

23 -  I really would like to be good at scrap-booking.  I think it is something I would really enjoy but can't seem to muster up the time, supplies, or patience.  I have done some, complete with artifacts from trips, notes, etc but they are in photo books with crusty sticky pages.  I want to go to the craft store and spend ridiculous amounts of money on that fancy paper and puffy stickers.  Every time I am in Target I look at their scrap-booking isle but I always get too intimidated.  I think I would be really good at it if I took the plunge.  

24 - Lizzy has this weird thing with vanity license plates.  When she sees them she says she creates the entire life story of the person driving and becomes intriqued by the person.  When she sees the car driving around town she thinks, "Oh there's the BANK4U Banker who is cheating on his wife with her cousin with a gambling problem and 11 toes.  I wonder what he is getting at Stop n' Shop?"  She said at one point she had a dream and her license plate was XTRASML.  I wonder what that says about her.

25 -  For a 10 year old who was really, really pissed off when Lizzy was born and then I ignored her for much of her life I sure know a lot about Lizzy.

N/R to the Unknown

My metrocard is empty.  I have been holding on to my metrocard, stored in my wallet, for a very long time.  When I would go into NYC, I would always add $10 to the card so that I wouldn't have to throw it out, regardless of the previous amount.  I think I have had that same card since I left for South Carolina.  It was my feeble attempt to remain connected to the city that I once called home.  I was comforting to me to open my wallet and see the yellow, black, and blue; a solid reminder of my former life.  A reminder that my life in the city did exist because sometimes it feels so far removed that it might as well be a dream.  I swiped it at the turnstile, hearing the telltale extra beep, and drew in a deep breath.  As I walked upstairs to the platform holding the card in my hand, I debated to throw it out or not.  I threw it out.

Even after I moved out of the city, friends would still call me for subway and bus directions because I knew the maps so well.  I knew where to transfer, where to catch express buses and which entrances would be open late night.  More than that, I knew where to find grocery stores, good bars or restaurants and where specific stores where located.  I called Hayley for the directions to the restaurant we were meeting at and I actually had to write it down. Houston/Thompson.  I couldn't visualize where that was.  I didn't know how to get there.  Even getting there for me was a challenge.  I had to look at several maps and kept on watching the subway stations pass as I made my way to the restaurant.  

Once in the city, I found different stores where familiar ones used to be.  It was a whole new terrain but with that same gut feeling of possibility, adventure, and comfort.  My gait was a little slower; commuters flying past me.  My missing Ipod making me feel naked.  Hell, I didn't carry a bag at all knowing that Hayley would have one.  Every stitch of clothing that I had on was Rebeccas because none of mine felt appropriate.  I never considered myself a trendy person (I can hear my friends laughing for miles just for putting Kate and Trendy in the same sentence).  I never went to the popular clubs, or expensive restaurants, or bought that fabulous bag.  But I knew the names; knew what styles were in and what styles were crazy Brooklyn hipsters; knew the hit shows on Broadway.  This time I just felt lost; like I didn't know where to look.  I felt like I was moving in slow motion while everyone around me was moving at full speed.  I felt totally out of place in the city that taught me how to dream, how to live, how to love.

I had an amazing night.  Hayley showed me a great time catching a concert at a recently opened venue that smelled like wood and looked like something out of a magazine.  Then there was the bar hopping, too much drinking, and dancing like limbless elephants (I speak for myself obviously Hayley was more graceful).   It was an ordinary night for my college years but something spectacular for me now.  I don't feel all that different but on nights like these I can't help but reflect how far removed I feel from my past life.  I loved living in the city and wouldn't trade those 5 years for anything.  I love getting the chance to relive them every once and a while.  I think about moving Wy and I into the city sometimes but I want him to have a backyard and a mom that doesn't have to work all the time to pay steep rents.   Although I love city nights it is far more satisfying for me to stay home, singing the "Isty Bitsy Spider" on repeat, with a smiling Wyatt on my lap.  I wonder if I could ever weld my experiences together to form something entirely new.  Am I doing that already?

In the cab on the way home I texted myself - "Like a sheep in wolves clothing, I have shed my skin."  Clearly, in my liquored state I thought this was a very important revelation but when I read it the next morning in Rebecca's apartment with Wyatt on my lap I had no idea what it meant.  Thoughts?  

The Flood

You know that place in between dreaming and waking where your mind just wanders.  The other night it was raining very hard and it gets a little loud on our high ceiling.  Usually this lulls me to sleep but in my almost sleeping state my mind started rambling.  I don't really know how to write about it so I am just going to give you a play by play:

It is really raining.  Its been raining for almost 29 hours, thats a really long time.  The tide was so high the dock was underwater.  Wyatt loves walking on that dock.  I hope its not structurally unsound after all this rain.  Are we in a flood zone?  Maybe it is going to rain for 40 days and 40 nights.  God is purging the Earth.   That is definitely what is happening.  So, what is the family boat situation?  We've got the canoe which is not ideal for rainy weather.  You can't really sleep on that.  I wonder if we could fit a tent in Grandpa's clam boat.  Does James still have his Boston Whaler?  I bet that Eric would take my family on his sailboat because his family has two boats.  There is a cabin on that and we could use the dingy for storage.  Confining Wyatt on a boat would be like a bull in a china shop.  We would have to stock up on a lot of canned goods.  But I wouldn't want to litter the cans.  We could crush them and keep them with us until we could recycle.  Wait, would there be recycling when everything dried?  Etc, Etc, ad nauseam.

When I woke up in the morning I told my mom and Lizzy my Noah's ark quandary.  They both thought this was a bizarre, morbid, thought process.  Meanwhile I thought everyone had mental ramblings like this.  These are daily occurrences for me.  I am always contemplating "what if" scenarios in microscopic detail.  Like what if I died tomorrow?  What if there was an earthquake?  What if that noise was a murderer coming to kill me?  Or more positive things like what if I won 12 million dollars?  What if I kissed the next person to walk in my house?  What if I moved to Africa with Wyatt strapped on my back to help AIDS orphans?  I guess not all people think like that but if they don't what do they think of? Or do their minds go blank and fuzzy like snow on the TV?

I have had several dreams about floods lately.  Three that I can remember in the past week.  I looked it up in my dream dictionary.  Yes, I have one of those.  Got it at the St. John's fair for $1 and it was totally worth it.  It says a flood represents a powerful emotional cleansing experience or that I am experiencing emotions that may be overwhelming.  Funny part is I can't think of anything that is really overwhelming me at the moment.  Emotionally, I am feeling very happy and contented lately.  I have a great job with a lot of potential.  Lizzy's health is on the upswing.  Wyatt is joyously happy and thriving. I have the best babysitters in the world.  I am trying to have a social life and am enjoying every moment with Eric.  I am feeling very hopeful for a good year.  Yes, there are some icky things but none that are grossly overwhelming.  I guess I have to think on it some more because these flood dreams just keep on coming.

Insert Therapy Joke Here

In an effort to better myself for 2009, I have decided to go back to my therapist.  After working so hard to call it off last time it was a big decision for me.  But I distinctly feel that there are some things that I should work on with a professional.  Things that I just can't seem to wrap my head around and things that I would like to bounce off someone that is detached from the situation.  I would like to believe this is the mature thing to do rather then feeling like I am running back to her with my tail between my legs.

I hesitate to mention this but deep breath and leap, right?  Drum roll please....I am kind of dating someone.  He is an ex-boyfriend that I dated for about a year.  Eric knew about my pregnancy, keeping in touch throughout, and came to see Wyatt for the first time when he was about 4 months.  We have been getting slightly more serious but I really, really, really have no idea how to do this.  Successfully managing dating and motherhood is my first topic to cover in therapy.  Talk about a big agenda.  I have been having a hard time committing and can't understand why.  Eric is great and Wyatt adores him.  What is my issue?! 

Next on my list is how to better communicate with Terry and his parents.  I feel very lost in how to define our relationship.  I am also extremely hesitant to speak up because I am afraid that hurt feelings might tarnish our life long partnership.  It is something I really need to get over.  It is a really strange relationship for all of us and seems to be getting more and more complicated.  And I can foresee it getting more complicated in the future.  Now, I know that therapy will not "solve" all these nagging questions but at least I will feel more confident to cope with them.

This blog is very cathartic for me and does help a great deal in enabling me to flush out my thoughts.  However, despite my extrovert nature, there are somethings that I would rather not discuss in a public forum hence where the therapist comes in.  Sorry, Internet.  All the gory, messy details will come out in a tell-all book that I am thinking about writing.  I am sure there will be interesting posts to come as the issues come to fruition.  Here's to a step in the right direction to start off 2009.

Things I Learned in 2008

I learned how to juggle 12 things at once.

How to change a diaper and make a bottle.

My body is a work of art and every wrinkle and bump has a purpose.

I took sleeping through the night for granted.

Responsibility is a state of mind.

True friendship is very hard to come by.

I cannot control anyone's reactions but my own.

Always keep extra clothes handy in case of explosive baby.

I can see promise in any situation.

I have great respect for stay at home moms.

I have no idea why but when I drink I acquire a southern accent.

I admire Lizzy's motivation, will, and her sheer grace through hardship.

I want to please everyone but that is not possible.

I love driving with a baby sleeping in the back seat.

Actions speak much louder then words.

I was wrong.  I like kids.  And I can admit it.

My spirituality is a work in progress.

My family continues to amaze me.

My sisters are my greatest source of strength.

I want more children.

Praise God for Walmart!

People say its an act of love to euthanize a pet but it feels more like an act of betrayal.

A beer cozi is the best way to keep a bottle warm.

My past and my present sometimes blend perfectly.

Forgiveness is a lot easier then being angry but a lot harder.

Formula sucks but is better then getting bitten.

Karma is real.  You get back what you put out.

Sometimes severe pain equals great joy.

I am more comfortable in my skin then I ever have been.

I am becoming my mother and surprisingly that is a very good thing.

My boobs are much more then mounds of skin. 

Motherhood has taught me so much about myself.

No matter how much Nana makes there will never be enough tapioca pudding.

With the right music my mood can change in an instant.

Being a grown up is scary yet satisfying.

I appreciate our world more by experiencing everything through Wyatt's eyes.

Being a mother came much easier then I ever anticipated.

Sometimes wine is a necessary evil. 

People will surprise me and not always in a good way.

Hope is palpable. (The angels sing "Obama") 

I can love much more then I ever dreamed possible.

Wyatt is my biggest accomplishment and my greatest joy.

The Real Maverick

I believe that there are defining moments in our lives that shape the people we become.  Looking back on my life, I can pinpoint moments that changed the way I viewed the world or viewed myself.  Moments that solidified my morals or made a significant enough impact that made me question and revaluate.  Usually these moments are not very happy times but looking back you can see what you learned from them and somehow gain more respect for them.

When I was in high school, right around 1998, our mom was diagnosed with Hepatitis C which was traced back to a blood transfusion from her childhood.   Almost 10 years ago, this liver disease was just beginning to emerge into public knowledge.  There was little research and the information that was available was scary.  I can vividly recall my mother's experimental treatment.  There were days that she was very sick; days that she become a figment of herself and days that I would rather keep in the back of my memory.  Thankfully after a year of self injections, mom has been HepC free.  I believe that my mom's poor health when I was growing up has made me a more compassionate adult.  I have a great respect for good health and the void it leaves when someone is ill.  My appreciation of my family has grown deep and unconditional.

This past month our family has once again been haunted by HepC.   Lizzy has been not feeling well for the past two years.  She has been complaining of exhaustion, sinus infections, joint pain, and lack of appetite.  It never remotely crossed our minds that Lizzy might have contracted HepC since when mom was diagnosed we got tested.   However, there seemed to be some kind of mix up and we all had to get retested.   Rebecca and I were negative and Elizabeth was positive.  I can't even begin to describe the deep pit that forms in my stomach even as I say these words.

Lizzy started her treatment, that is frighteningly similar to our mom's, about two weeks ago.  She is on two medications, one oral and another that she injects, that are chemotherapy treatments. I can not believe how strong she has been.  My high school self would have thrown the biggest pity party and would have been playing the worlds tiniest violin everyday.  Not Lizzy.  It took her two minutes to inject herself for the first time whereas my mom admits her first shot took about an hour. She has been going to school and to work with a fever, feeling light headed, nauseous, headaches, and several other flu like side effects that would knock even the strongest patient to the couch.  She doesn't have to do any of this, but she does.  She has blown all of us away with her optimism, her strength, her motivation, and her ability to push through everyday.  

It has been disheartening for me watching Lizzy going through this.  It is her senior year of high school, a year of SAT's, college applications, partying, and friends.  She doesn't need this.  I often wish that it could have been me.  I think its called survivors guilt.  I am trying to keep focus. Focused that it will only be a year at most and then hopefully we can say goodbye to HepC forever.  Maybe, someday, Lizzy will be able to look back on this time and have a realization of her own.  Maybe she will understand that being sick has made her a more compassionate doctor.  A true empathetic doctor would be a rare treat in this world and would certainly take her to the top of her class.  Right now, Lizzy is pushing through and we are all just trying to hold her hand in the process.

Friends to Come Home To

Saturday marked Kari's bachlorette party. I am delighted to say that it was a real blast. I can't remember the last time that I felt so recklessly abandoned. I got to get dressed up in heels, drink out of penis straws in a limo, and watch lap dances. Granted, we were at Lucy Cheungs and the dancers were transvestites but fun is fun. Why do guys get to do crazy things at bachelor parties but girls watch men dressed like girls dance and sing or have spa days? Guys go crazy and women still feel the need to check in.

At one point I was getting ready to take a shot and my mind jumped back to Wyatt. I immediately reverted to mom mode: responsible, cautious, and reserved. Rebecca reminded me that it is OK to have fun. That no one can be supermom all the time. Rebecca is wise beyond her years. I do have trouble balancing my college year self and my more recent mom self. I love being a mom but sometimes I want to go out and leave all responsibility at home. I try but when I do go out I have constant mom thought swirling in the back of my head. I probably would need a lobotomy for me to entire stop thinking about Wyatt. Sometimes I feel like I am suffocating my more reckless self. She is being held underwater barely hanging on. Soon, I am afraid, I will loose her forever. I guess it is called growing up.

Kari, Bri and I have been friends since pre-school. Brianne mentioned that we have known each other for over 23 years. I did everything with those two. We were inseparable; fixtures at each others homes. During college, we lost touch. I was so excited to move out of our small high school that I did a pretty good job of severing ties with a lot of friends. I wanted to start fresh in college. Unfortunately, I think I took it a little too far. I failed to realize that you can reinvent yourself while still acknowledging where you came from.

Since I moved back home, Bri, Kari, and I have reinstated our friendship. It was extremely comforting when we got together for the first time in about 6 years and we all felt like no time had passed. I feel like they understand me in a subconscious way. They know how I am going to react in any situation before I seem to. I am thrilled that we have found each other again especially when our lives are changing so dramatically. Kari is getting married on Sept. 1st, Bri in Oct 2009, and I have a 6 month old son. We have so much to learn from one another. I consider them true friends, those that you can grow up, grow apart, come home, and always feel like you belong.