Bump Watch

I haven't posted pictures in a while so I figured it was about time. There is a lot of changing going on and I am literally getting bigger by the second. Beware of the bare belly picture, it is not for the faint of heart. My mom says I look like Olive Oil from Popeye more than ever now. I am just starting my 35 week, that means 5 weeks to go!!! Holy shit!!!

Its officially gone people!!! My belly button has popped inside out. Now, I finally understand how it feels to have an outie. I read in a book the other day that you can use a bandaid or a piece of tape to cover your belly button being seen through your clothes. How weird is that? Yes, it sticks out but I always assumed that it would happen eventually.

Top 2007 Baby Names

The most common baby names of 2007 are in and three of my top names are on that list. I don't quite know how I feel about it. I want my child to have a name that no one else in his class has or at least a name that there are only 2 or 3 of. I have always loved my name but hated that I had to be classified by my last name because there were so many Kates. So, it is a little unnerving that 3 of my top choices are on the 10 top baby names. Maybe I have to do some rethinking. Unfortunately, I have been looking at other names but none have struck me. Well, I still have some time. Any new thoughts out there?

Boy Names....................................................Girl Names

1. Aiden.......................................................... Sophia

2. Ethan........................................................... Isabella

3. Jacob..............................................................Emma

4. Jayden...........................................................Madison

5. Caleb...............................................................Ava

6. Noah.............................................................Addison

7. Jackson............................................................Hailey

8. Jack.............................................................Emily

9. Logan...........................................................Kaitlyn

10. Matthew..........................................................Olivia

Past Tense

I started writing a lot when I was in South Carolina, trying to document my time and experiences down there. Anyway, I recently found something that I wrote on October 19, 2006. I always had in my mind that I have traveled so far. But maybe I haven't traveled as far as I think I have...

I have been thinking a lot about babies. I would never be thinking about babies if I was in NYC, NEVER!!! Life in New York is to exciting for kids. There is too much to do in NY to even consider kids. And the subway with strollers, forget it. However, down here it would be possible. The cost of living is lower, people are happier, you have neighbors that care about you, there are cars and kids are accepted in fancy restaurants. Everyone has kids here and now I have babies on the brain. Stupid, I know, but I can't seem to shake it.

Everyday I meet people with babies. A girl that just applied, she is 24, my age, and her birthday is in March. She has 5 kids. Yes that is right, her kids are 7, 5, 4, 2, and 8 ½ months. Half of me wants to dive into a descriptive lecture about birth control and the other half wants to pat her on the back. At least they are all from the same father. The kicker is that she only makes about $19,000 a year. That is insanity and yet she is well adjusted, loves her kids, feeds them, clothes them, and takes them to the movies. I have met them all and they are good kids, well adjusted, respectful. They say ‘sir’ and ‘ma’am’. They call me ‘ma’am’ although I don’t think I am old enough to qualify. Maybe 5 is a little excessive but if she can deal with 5, I can certainly handle one. I am a responsible person. I would always put my child first and me second. With my family to baby-sit when needed, I could be a parent. My list goes on and on…

My girl Bridget has a 14 and 16 year old. The 16 year old just had a baby about a year ago. She is off in New York living with the daddy and Bridget is a grandma at 35. Another homeowner that is making record progress through the program moved to SC from New York with her 2 year old, a suitcase, and a welfare check. She didn’t know how to drive, had no car, no family, nothing but the clothes on her back and her baby. She rented a car and learned to drive from a crippled man. She has been in SC since 1999 and now at 31 she has a job, a family, a life, and is getting a house. I hear some pretty messed up stories. I could write a book about the courageous and malicious people that I encounter everyday. Their stories are heartbreaking and incredible. It makes me think what is really important to me, in my life. What do I want during my life?

Homeowners ask me all the time if I have children. When I tell them no they ask me why not and scrunch up their faces in disbelief. Why not? Because I was raised to value education and children would come later and preferable with a husband. I don’t want to be a parent later on in life like I once thought. I don’t want to be tired. I don’t want to miss out on the good parts of my child’s life because I was 40 and tired. Maybe our parents and grandparents got it right. Maybe we should have kids younger so we can enjoy them. I want to remember every part and I want to be young enough to still remember being a teenager. I want my parents to be able to enjoy grandchildren. My grandparents are still young, they could be grandparents again. I want my family to be young enough to enjoy having children around again. Maybe I am being selfish, I don’t know.

I know that most of my friends from New York probably think I am going crazy and you might be right. When I was in NY I didn’t even know if I wanted children. Maybe I thought I might have one at 35-40 but now my thinking has gone all wacky. It is funny what latitude can do to you. I am not going to start pin holing condoms or stop my birth control. I am not that crazy. But think about it, if you were to die tomorrow what would be your biggest regret be? Mine, that I never had a child. It wouldn’t be about money, success, or fame, not for me. It’s all about the babies.

Caution - Men at Work

I have talked of the affectionately coined "baby suite" that is getting added to our house but I haven't really gone into much detail. When this whole pregnancy thing happened, one of the big questions was "Where were we going to live?" Luckily, my parents (among other very generous offers) came to my rescue and decided to add on a room off the back of our house. I secretly think that they have been wanting to do this for a while but lacked motivation. Well, a pregnant daughter sure can motivate!!!

So far everything has been progressing great, cross your fingers. Adding anything on to an already old house can be challenging and we did not come out unscathed. One major issue that arose was the roof line. To correct it and make it as ascetically pleasing as possible, they had to add on to Rebecca's room on the second floor as well. Believe me, Rebecca is not complaining. It looks amazing, now that it is done, but was traumatizing especially for my father. But all in all, the addition is progressing amazingly thanks to a very task orientated contractor. I would recommend this contractor to anyone. He has been brilliant. When do you ever hear that?! The Bean and I are getting a rather large room with cathedral ceilings and a beautifully renovated bathroom, Rebecca is getting an extra 5 feet in her room and a water view, and my parents are getting the new deck of their dreams. We are all quite happy!

All this construction means that we now have three open door ways that lead into the new portion of the house. I would like to remind you all of how cold it has been lately. Yes, our house is a tundra. Forget putting on your coat to go outside, put it on to come in. They insulated and started the siding this week so it might get a little warmer for the holidays. Forget decorating for Christmas because all of the furniture is moved around and everything gets dusty in about 10 seconds. Suddenly, I am reminded why no body in their right minds do major construction in the middle of winter. But we are on a dead line and February 10th is fast approaching. I am hoping it will be finished by mid-January to give me enough time to move all of our furniture in and decorate. Cross your fingers and send your prayers!!!

Push Harder!!!!

We finished childbirth classes...already. We had to go three Wednesday nights in December. We didn't practice Lamaze or anything. It was more like giving you a lay of the land. Letting us understand what to expect, a tour of the hospital, pain options, a few breathing techniques, breastfeeding, the first few days of life, and that kind of thing. Lizzy and my Mom are my birth coaches since Terry might not make it here in time.

On the tour of the hospital, we were asked to wait outside the labor and delivery rooms while gazing at the sweet newborns. Almost every time the doors opened there were screams of "Push harder!!! 1, 2, 3...". I had no idea that this was an interactive tour. They didn't let us go in and watch the birth but talk about in your face experiences. The best part was the father, waiting on our side of the delivery rooms, white as a sheet. He explained that he was "taking turns" with his mother-in-law coaching his wife through labor. The rooms were pretty small so I can understand where his claustrophobia came from. (They told us at the next class that the baby was born before we left the hospital.) There was another woman in labor, in her hospital gown, pacing the hallway. She looked more annoyed that we were there than in any pain. We decided that she was in the very early stages.

I am not going to lie, it was kinda of terrifying. I know that understanding the labor process will make going through it easier because I will know what to expect. But sometimes I think that maybe not knowing anything would be better. Ignorance is bliss, right?! Lizzy seemed absolutely fine with all of this. She was calm, attentive, and taking everything very seriously. It made me feel like a big wuss that I wasn't handling it well. I am surprised I didn't puke on the floor. Having Lizzy there made me feel like I was being silly worrying about it because she wasn't worried about it. She will be a great coach because regardless of what is going on in her mind, she's got a great poker face.

My Anxiety Runneth Over

I know it is normal to have anxiety but lately there has been a lot of it. I chalk most of it up to first time parent jitters but I distinctly feel that I am over thinking. Honestly, I don't even know if its anxiety or a nervous anticipation. Wait, is that the same thing?

Recently, most of my anxiety lies with the first few days at home. Will I know how to soothe, comfort, and calm a crying baby? Or will I panic, throw my hands up, run out of the room, and hand him to my mom. I'd like to think that I wouldn't do that but I don't know. Will I know how to hold him? Will I understand why he is crying? How to change a diaper? Will I know when he is sick or cold or uncomfortable? How do I place him in his crib to avoid all those weird crib phobias? Will I know how to feed him or how much I am feeding him? I could hyperventilate every day if I thought about it too much. I try not to let myself think about it but usually, in the middle of the night when I'm alone, I can't help it.

I wonder if after 9 months of waiting, preparing, visualizing, and loving this unborn child that I will feel relief to have him in this world. Relief to have my body back or will I panic that he is no longer a part of me? That he is susceptible to the outside world and its occasional ugliness. Or will I get that "What comes next?" attitude. The "OK, now what" syndrome. Or will I be so totally engrossed that my absent mindedness will continue and my only thoughts still focused on him.

Most of all, I want to see him. I want to see who he looks like and takes after. If he does indeed have my nose and Terry's mouth. I want to cradle him in my arms. I want to smell that baby goodness of powder and innocence. To touch his soft delicate skin. Feel his warmth on my chest and a sweaty cheek on my neck. I want to rub the top of his head and play with peach fuzz. I want to see Terry hold him and watch his anxiety melt at the recognition of his son. I want to count his fingers and kiss the bottom of his feet. I am so anxious to see him I could burst.

I think nervous anticipation is the right term. I am nervous about all the things that I don't have experience with. Nervous about the details. But the anticipation of seeing our little man far out weighs my nervousness. I can't believe I have 54 more days of waiting, not that I am counting or anything....

The Wintry Mix

I moved into my cousin Michael's house. With our house under construction, only two livable bedrooms, a plethora of baby supplies, and a thick layer of dust we decided that it was for the best if I slept elsewhere for a while. Michael has an extra bedroom and I was more than willing to allow myself some privacy for a short time.

It snowed, rained, froze, and hailed last night. I was glad that I didn't have to drive far. Pregnant ladies and ice don't really mix. I stopped at the store on my way to Mikes and got brownies and dinner. If I had it my way they would have been eaten in that order. He has this great cottage that overlooks the church. It reminds me of the English countryside that I loved to watch roll by on the bus when I lived there. His cottage even reminds me of my house in Leeds, except cleaner, warmer, and much more inviting. There are little nooks and crannies, closets misshapen in any spare space, hardwood floors, and deep recessed windows to accommodate the think stone walls.

I made our brownies (caramel, walnut brownies) while Michael cooked our dinner of ravioli and garlic bread. I swear I wanted to shove my entire face in that bowl of brownie mix and lap it up. The urge was so strong to lick the bowl, to use my finger as a spatula and get every last inch of batter. Forget baking, lets just eat it raw. I held back because of the raw egg, salmonella, and Mr. Bean. Another thing that will get me though labor. I started making a mental list of things I am unable to eat or drink so that I can binge when he's finally here. There will be feta cheese, wine, caffeinated mocha lattes, brownie batter, and a baby boy in my future. That's motivation for me.

Using all my will power, I waited until the brownies were cooked and had about 5, with a glass of milk to make them nutritious. We sat by the crackling fire and watched a movie while the ice and snow accumulated outside. It was picture perfect. I never thought that I would ever be so happy. Right now, in this moment, despite all the anxiety and upheaval, I am content in my life and the direction it is taking. I find myself smiling at nothing while driving down the road. I am just so happy. Its a good feeling.

Sounds of Your Groove

At lunch I go lay down in my car and listen to music (not so much since its freezing). My Ipod blaring away with one earpiece in my ear and the other on my belly. Sometimes he doesn't react at all and other times he starts freaking out, bouncing from one side of my belly to another, kicking out, dancing. I rub my belly, gently pushing in where he is kicking out and sing. I love having that time to ourselves, my hour of quiet, feeling my son move. My mom laughs that it is prenatal torture but I'd like to think that he likes it.

All the books say that his ears are now fully developed and he can hear what I do only slightly muffled. Some even say that music I play for him in-utero will soothe him in the outside world. I find that fascinating!! Anything that might soothe a crying babe, I will try. So, I made a playlist of songs that I listen to pretty frequently hoping that I might try this theory out. I think I am in need of a few more good songs. I am looking for stuff that is soothing for him but interesting, good music, for me. Any ideas?

This is what I came up with already:

Your Smiling Face - James Taylor
Morning Lullabies - Ingrid Michaelson
This is Heaven to Me - Madeleine Peyroux
You Must have been a Beautiful Baby - Bobby Darin
Today - Joshua Radin
I'm Yours - Jason Mraz
April Showers - Math and Physics Club
From Where I'm Standing - Schuyler Fisk
Lullaby - Dixie Chicks
Dance Tonight - Paul McCartney
Give your Mama One Smile - Madeleine Peyroux
Everything will Be Alright - Joshua Radin
Beautiful Boy - John Lennon
More Love - Dixie Chicks
1234 - Feist
Daydream - John Sebastian

Awe Inspiring

I recently wrote Terry about a sermon I heard but I wanted to share it with all of you as well. The message spoke of God inspiring awe in our lives. That God has created this perfect world for us to take care of and enjoy. We should search out something or someone everyday that makes us step back, take a deep breath, and say 'Wow!' in order to appreciate what God has given our lives. Even if it is a beautiful sunset or a snowfall. The preacher was much more eloquent but that is my three sentence summary.

Most of you know that I am not very religious in the traditional sense of church attendance. But I do try to find time during my day at least to say thanks and acknowledge a greater presence in my life. So, I started thinking about a time pre-pregnancy that I was awe struck. I was thinking and thinking and thinking. I came up with working with Habitat, the people I met, the enthusiasm, the feeling of doing something for the greater good. But for some reason, I thought there should be something more.

My 'something more' came with pregnancy. Everyday I find myself in awe of what is happening to me, my body, and my family. Every time I feel him move inside me, I lose my breath. To become so attached, so quickly, and utterly in awe of a person that I have never met. It is an amazing feeling to know that my body is incubating another. I never had so much respect for my body before. I am awed when I see that tell tale look of pride on my parents face. I am awed that so many people have offered their help, love and support. I am so grateful that I have had the unexpected opportunity to be awed by pregnancy and new life.

This weekend was particularly awesome for me. Rebecca (with the help of some others) planned a spectacular baby shower for Bean on Saturday. It was truly amazing, the details, the effort, the time. I have had my head in this cloud of euphoria every since. I am completely overwhelmed by the entire experience. I have never felt so loved and cared for in my entire life. To know and experience first hand that my support system lies far beyond my family makes me heart-wrenchingly joyous. Being in a room filled with faces that have touched Terry and my lives in miraculous ways and knowing that our child will have all those people as well - I truly don't have the words. (For those that were there, yes, I know I have said that before).

I am awe struck, thunder struck, and all kinds of amazed. You can't even imagine how touched I am by every single one of you and all of your generosity. Seeing our families and friends come together to support and nurture Terry and my decision to have this child was overwhelming for me. I feel so blessed that our child is coming into a world so filled with love and support. My Christmas miracle was all of you. Again, to everyone, thank you, thank you, thank you, you can't even imagine how much this means to me, to Terry, and to Bean.

Bearsy

Our family dog, Bear, passed away on August 15th. She had been with us for almost 16 years. She was a great dog, the best dog really. I get choked up just thinking about her. She was loyal, friendly, reliable, and fit our family to a tee. I have tons of memories of her, as do most of the people that remember her. She was a staple at our house and was always symbolic of coming home to me. She was always so excited when we all were home.

The way we got Bear is a great story. Becca and I really wanted a dog, Lizzy was a newborn at the time. My parents, thinking they were very clever and that we would never pull it off, told us we could get a dog as long as we raised enough money. Once we raised $500, we could get a puppy on one condition, that the dog didn't shed. After receiving our ultimatum, Rebecca and I set to work. We had lemonade stands, rolled coins, collected all of our broken, unused toys, and sold them. We made signs that screamed adorable saying "Saving for a Puppy Sale". Neighbors would actually pull up and hand us $20's. Needless to say, we had the money in about a month. The rents were shocked but couldn't go back on their word. I think it was around October when we came home with Bear, a cockapoo. I was 10, Becca 8, and Lizzy a tender 5 months. Bear was a constant source of joy since the day we brought her home.

I have been dreaming of her a lot lately, quite vividly. Because I see her so often at night I have started looking for her during the day. I will open the back door as to let her in. Or cut up left over meat to feed to her. Or expect her to run around the corner when I come home. It still really hurts when she is not there like an open wound. Its not just me either. My whole family misses her. Our house is just not the same. It always feels like there is someone missing and after having her for 16 years, there is. Mom found Bear's baby (this toy she loved that looked like her) when she was cleaning out the back hall. She wouldn't have done well with all of this construction, all these people mulling about. She would have been very stressed and confused. So, maybe it is for the best that she passed when she did. The same day that I told Terry I was pregnant. Its weird how things work that way.

I was thinking that maybe when Bean gets older, around 2 or 3, we could go to the shelter and get him a dog. A young boy needs a big dog. I loved watching Lizzy grow up with Bear and I think that Bear's friendly temperament had a lot to do with having young children around. It makes me happy thinking about Bean running around the backyard with a puppy. I know it is years away but I don't know if I will be ready to bring another dog into our house. Right now, I am definitely not ready. I don't want another dog. I just want Bear. Maybe when I stop looking for Bear I will know that I am ready for a new dog and not a replacement. For now, its only Bear.

The Mechanics of Flight

Terry tries to call home pretty frequently. But sometimes in lieu of phone calls he sends mass emails to keep us all updated on what he is doing. He sent this one the other day. Its kind of rambling (sorry Ter) but I think gives a somewhat more accurate description of what he is doing over there. This is more for my family and friends that are not on Terry's mass email lists then anything else.

I was on nights the last couple of weeks, so I would fly at night, get home around 5am and sleep all day. It was a wonderful work day however getting back on the day shift is killing me. I have been sick, tired and cold, and add sleep deprivation on top of that I have just been exhausted. A few days ago I was asleep and in a split second I went from a deep sleep to my heart pounding out of my chest when I was awakened by an explosion that sent this huge shock wave through my hut. I swear you could feel the earth cry it was so loud and violent. Immediately after I calmed down I was going to walk outside and check it out, but I was so dam tired I just went back to sleep. Later I learned that the explosion was just our troops setting of a land mine, but at first I didn’t know. I feel a lot better this morning.

Flying nights was a blast. I felt a little safer because we fly completely blacked out (meaning no lights on the aircraft) and we can’t be seen in the sky. But let me tell you it is insanely dark at night. What I discovered while flying at night is that for the most part the basic flying is pretty easy, but what we really get paid to do is land. I can’t describe it, its like hours of boring activity with brief moments of the most intense, adrenaline pumping, horrifying fear. Every muscle in your body just tenses up and its in those moments the way you react is the difference between a good day and disaster. I was doing a sling load (carrying a large 8,000 pound freight container strapped underneath the aircraft) on the side of a mountain, and I browned out (that’s when the helicopter blows all the sand into the air and you just completely loose site of the ground). The best way to describe this is imagine driving down the highway with two toilet roll strapped on your eyes (night vision goggles for me), which gives you no peripheral vision and its like watching a green television screen, when all the sudden someone just completely covers your eyes and you still have to continue to drive. So in a split second you have to react because of all the obstacles around you but you keep your calm so you don’t cause the situation to become tragic. With that large of load strapped to my aircraft we are limited on power, which means if I pull up to hard and fast on the thrust (the thing that makes the helicopter go up and down) I can cause the blades to cone upward because they can not handle the weight, which will then drop the rotors speed and cause my generators to kick offline losing power to the flight control systems and my hydraulic system that is helping me fly. While this is happening I will do something called settling with power, which means you enter a descent that regardless of anything you do you will fall out of the sky and crash. Long story short, is you can’t overreact. And after a few nights, I was like holy sh@t that was nuts. I know I just gave you all a pretty long description, but like I said its hours of boredom followed by the wildest few moments pure insanity. But of course I’m just loving it, I’m learning a lot and getting better every flight. The whole browning out thing is pretty frequent, you never get use to them, but you just try your best and if its outside your comfort level you simply react slowly and get out of there. I have to send some pictures, you can see us kicking up dust upwards of 500 feet.

Winter fell upon us overnight. About a week ago I was having difficulty sleeping when I heard drops hitting my hut. It was 3am and I went outside to see rain for the fist time in 4 months. I just stood there getting wet, it was great, I missed it, the smell, everything about it. But of course later it was just cold and wet. Two days ago when I started flying during the day, I saw for the first time the snow covered mountains. It is unlike anything I have ever seen in my life, it is what I would imagine heaven to be, it is that beautiful. You would never believe there was a war in this country by just looking around at how beautiful this country is. The Afghans believe that when Allah was finished creating the world he gathered what was left threw it down, and that was Afghanistan. It is a rugged terrain, but just breathtaking.

I have really settled down. I received a nice complement from one of my senior soldiers noticing that I seem relaxed lately. I feel like I’m interacting with soldiers much better lately. It’s nice because that means a lot to me, of course I’m always a little bit of an outsider amongst the other officers, I tend to keep to myself, but we all get along really well. So that’s good. My mother sent me some Christmas decorations. I have my little Charlie brown tree in my room and some lights. She even sent me some gifts. Remember when you were younger and you were so excited to get gifts on Christmas morning, and every once in a while you got like socks or underwear and you had to pretend you were happy even though you were just ready to rip into the next real gift? Well let me tell you people, me Madre got me some socks and underwear and I swear it was like I just struck oil or something, I was so excited. I think I’ll be able to use this story with my son when he complains about getting socks, I can say we’ll when I was in Afghanistan I would have killed for some nice socks, and of course I walked to school in the snow uphill both ways. But honestly my life has been reduced to the excitement of putting new socks on my feet which just felt sooooo good. So ya, I got that going for me.

Kate is doing well. The baby is doing well. She sent some pics, but I have no idea what the hell I'm looking at, so I just assume all the parts and pieces are in the right places. She’s really been amazing, always positive, just an extremely impressive person. I still have my occasional anxiety attacks, and I hyperventilate now and again, but I think I’m coming to realize that there are just moments in life, good and bad, that you can’t really plan for, they happen and how you deal with them is what really defines you. So of course I’m still nervous, but I’m trying really hard to follow in my friends footsteps and keep things positive. To be honest, lately I simply try to focus on the most important lesson I’m learning over here, that there will be hard times ahead, I stress out about having a son, getting the right job, paying the rent or mortgage, but you know what, I’ll be alive. No son of bitch trying to knock you out of the sky. If I can just remember that lesson, everything else just seems I don’t know, not as hard. I think of the soldiers I have watched travel down the street in caskets and just think that these hero’s never got to know life again without war, never will see there wife’s, children, and families again, they gave their lives for their country, but lost whatever their lives may have become. If I have that chance, to come home, to see all of you, to have a son in my life, I will not dishonor those who died here by stressing out, when it comes down to it the things that are not all that important. I feel like I owe it to them to make the best out of my life, I can’t explain it, it’s like whether the rest of my life is a success or a failure it will still be gravy. Probably doesn’t make sense does it?

Ignore the Man Behind the Curtian

I am getting to the point where you can actually see my belly moving when the baby is moving. It gets pretty freaky, especially when Bean is in a really rambunctious mood. Kinda reminds me of jello. Watching my stomach has become a favorite thing for my family to do. Well, besides Lizzy, who finds my exposed belly horrifying. The other night Emily, Rebecca, Mom and I decided to see if we could get it on film. It took us a long time. The many videos that came before this one are hysterical. Be patient. You will see him move (right above my belly button), then Rebecca exclaims 'Holy shit' and then I start laughing like crazy. Ignore that part. Also ignore that my belly looks obscenely large. Pretend its not part of my body, that makes it a little better.

To Snip the Tip

I have been thinking a lot about circumcision. This is the first boy in our immediate family and my expertise in baby penis is quite limited. The whole thing has got me concerned. I think for the most part boys are circumcised in the US. Going with that logic, I would hate to see our little man look any different or cause any unnecessary anxiety in the locker room. However, putting my child, before he has the will to say otherwise, through a unnecessary surgery has got me all bothered.

So, I have been reading up on it and ashamed to admit googling it with Becca and Em. To my surprise, circumcision has been dwindling in the US. According to the National Center for Health Statistics, 65% of all newborn boys are circumcised in the US. Some parents are opting to leave their baby boys Au Nauturale because there are no medical benefits for the child. Some argue that it is socially or culturally necessary but there is no proven medical necessity.

I am going to rest this decision on Terry's very capable sholders. He is the one with the penis and has a much stronger opinion on this than I do. No ifs, ands, or buts, he thinks circumcise. Ultimately, Bean is a boy and will love his penis no matter what we decide to do with it. But I am definitely going to leave this for Daddy.

Things your Mom didn't Tell You - Part 2

Pregnancy affects every part of the body. I didn't take that seriously because how could it possibly be true. Well, I guess I should have taken their word for it because I can't see. No, seriously, my vision has gotten about twelve times worse. I have glasses that I use for driving sometimes. Very rarely did I use them. All of a sudden I need my glasses almost every time I get into the car and at night especially. It is like my whole world has gone fuzzy. I asked Dr. Diaz about it at my last appointment. Wouldn't you know, blurred vision is a symptom. She said I could go get my eyes checked but there would be no point because my vision will go back to normal post-baby.

I am getting bigger by the second now. These last few months are the biggest growth months for the baby. At my last Dr's appointment they estimated him to be about 3.5 lbs. I would like him to be about 7.5 lbs. That's a lot of weight for a little man. The more he grows, the more I grow. Unfortunately, this results in the Itchy Belly syndrome. I am guessing it is because my skin is stretching. My belly itches like crazy. No matter how much moisturizer I put on, it still itches. I think I could lather myself all day long and still be itchy.

Hayley asked me if it was weird when I felt him move. Yes, it is weird in an amazing I have no control over my body kind of way. I love feeling him move. I am totally distracted and engrossed by it. However, I am not so attached when he kicks my ribs. It can be quite uncomfortable. He gets all under there and I feel like I have to push him down or puff out my chest to make room. I am having a hard time describing it. But it has been, by far, the most frustrating part of pregnancy for me. It is very difficult to get comfortable when you have a foot in between your ribs. I am sure there will be plenty more unforeseen joys of pregnancy to come.

Holy Craziness

Here's the sonogram picture of our little man with placenta in his face. I originally thought it looked like his eye was open but its not. The eyelid is so thin that you can see through it. You can clearly see his nose, mouth, and chipmunk cheeks. We are debating if that looks like hair on his head or not. The rest of the stuff by his face is placenta (or we can pretend a fluffy cloud pillow). The one to the right is his foot. I circled it. 5 Toes!!!! I am so in love that he is well developed already!! He really looks like a baby.

I am so sorry that I was unable to post all of this sooner. The Internet at work has been down and that is my primary location of blogging. Then this morning was full swing at our house. The addition is fully underway and our house has become a man-haven. Too bad this isn't a detachable bump cause we all know how I love construction workers. There was much excitement as the deck went flying into the dumpster and framing began. I will post baby suite pictures as soon as I am around to see the addition in the day light. So, so excited!!!

Beautiful, Beautiful Boy

YES!!!! Its confirmed. Still a boy!!! I saw your penis!!!! Yeah!!! I swear I will never get over seeing him. I could watch him for days. So, this DVD was a little more grainy then the other one and unfortunately there is no elevator music. But he is growing bigger and bigger and looking far less skeletal then last time. Despite short notice, both Grandma's were able to make the appointment and both agree: He's beautiful.

Video One: Bean decided to have his face right up against the placenta so it made it difficult to get a full on 3D picture. But she did try. First recognizable thing are his arm bones. Then, the orangey colored images are the 3D face profile ones. The last orange one that she zooms in on is the face picture that is really good. He's got these puffy little cheeks and this pouty mouth. I think it is definitely Terry's mouth/chin and my nose. Considering he's got a face full of placenta, I think he's pretty darn cute.

Video Two: The first black spot is the stomach, which she labels. Then, she labels the bladder. You can see the ribs and spine pretty good. She fiddles around by his legs for a while. A good look of the feet and legs. Back up to the face profile to try and do another 3D. Which is kinda scary but that because of the placenta. Then, the money shot. She goes back down to the legs and gets a good pause at his man parts!! She even points at his little penis. (Sorry Bean!! I promise I won't ever post pictures of your penis when your born.)

Video Three: This one starts off with the profile. You can get a great look at the heart beating. But the coolest part is with this mouth. He starts doing this sucking, nuzzling, thing. She points out his tongue with the yellow pointer. He wasn't moving his body so he was probably sleeping. I find it so amazing that he is already preparing for life outside of me. After she moves away from the face, you can see the legs all curled up. Totally my long legs. Then she pauses on a pretty clear image of a foot. Right before the end she gets a good listen of the heart rate. Which is strong and steady!!! She estimated him to be about 3 lbs 6 oz. He has to cook for another 4 more pounds until I'm happy.

So, what do you think?! Did you make any of that out or is it all muddled images? I will post the pictures tomorrow!!! Yeah for the bean!!!

Seeing Blue

Rebecca made me this cake after we found out bean was officially a boy. I came home from work and there was this cake, blue icing and all. I always thought it was a boy for some reason. Many other people did too. But I can't say I wasn't roped into all the old wives tales. No morning sickness - boy. Carrying high - boy. Fast heart rate - girl. Chinese astrology - boy. Craving OJ - girl. I kept a tally to reassure myself. Whenever someone would ask me I would tell them all I wanted was a healthy baby. But truth is...I wanted a boy.


At first, I didn't want to know. You only get so many surprises in life and this is one of the last greats. I wanted to be disciplined and patient. Some say that it makes labor easier because you have something to look forward to. Yeah, I couldn't do it. I needed to know. I became too impatient. I wanted to know who was growing inside my body. I wanted to pick out boy clothes, overalls, button down shirts and corduroy pants. I'm sick of Barbies. I want some Tonka Trucks!!


There were several sonograms that I had where I should have found out but bean never cooperated. He was always turned in a weird direction so we couldn't see the goods. I went for this mega sonogram on September 29th. Mom looked at the technician and said "We are not leaving here until you tell us its a boy." So much for pressure. At one point the two techs were talking to one another "Can you confirm XY?" I almost peed myself right there on the table but was still holding out to make sure. When confirmation was given, all of us in the room started tearing.

I haven't had a sonogram since then. I have been dreaming of girl stuff lately. Its freaking me out. I referred to him as a her the other day. Convincing myself that I just said her because I am always surrounded by women. I have to go to the doctors every two weeks. I want her to do another sono. I need to see him again and make sure all his man parts are there. Finally, I worked up the courage to ask her if I was going to get another sonogram. She is going to squeeze me into her schedule tonight!!!! I will let you know how it goes. I think I am even getting another DVD. I cannot wait to see our baby boy again. I am so excited. He is not even here yet and I am already obsessing.

Bump Watch

Here are some pics from the weekend:

The one to the left is from Thanksgiving.
The one to the right is an extremely attractive pic of me in my pajamas. Rebecca insists on humiliating me whenever possible.

And the one with my sisters is to prove that I don't look pregnant all of the time. Most of the time I just look bloated and fat. We are Christmas Tree cutting by the way.

Officially 29 weeks (6 months 2 weeks) people!!! Only 11 weeks to go!!!

Words of Hope

This Thanksgiving I have much to be thankful for. There have been so many people that have written me with words of hope and praise that I want to share them with you. I am going to leave out their names to keep it anonymous but the response has been overwhelming for me. I cannot begin to thank everyone for standing by me during this difficult time. Hopefully this will be as emotional for you as it is for me everyday. Then again it could be the hormones....

"there are so many friends from whom this would have been the scariest email in the world, but i can't even begin to tell you how much I think you will be the most amazing mother, and that I have every confidence that you are as prepared now to do so as you would be in ten years. I am so goddamn proud of you for making this decision, and I'm so excited to see a pregnant belly, and (in a few months) a beautiful baby boy. I've watched two sisters navigate motherhood with tremendous success, and I've watched the way it has changed their lives in the most amazing and extraordinary ways. I have no doubt that it will do the same for you (although you're pretty amazing and extraordinary as you are). Again, I think you are making such a strong and self-less and brave decision, and also one that will bring a tremendous amount of joy into your life."

"I am so happy for you. If someone asked me, of everyone I've known, who could handle this? Undoubtedly, unhesitatingly, I would say you. I think motherhood can only make you an even more amazing and capable woman than I already think you are."

"We are all exactly where we are supposed to be in God's plan for us. At age 71, I can look back and see that out of every difficult and discouraging time in my life (and like all others, there have been many) something good came from it.. It's very difficult to muster up the faith in this truth, but I feel blessed for every part of my life..good and bad. It's all been a valuable learning experience."

"Having our son was the best thing I've ever done in my life - and he continues to be the biggest source of joy and pride I have - so get ready for a crazy ride, but a wonderful one. All my love to you and your eensy one."

"i know this will probably be one of the hardest things you'll ever have to go through, but i know you can do it Kate. you are such a strong, independent woman & i know you know that. & you will always have a support group/fan club of your family & friends that includes me, of course :)"

"Whenever I go through something difficult, I always tell myself...I am not the only person that has gone through this, there are plenty of other people who have gone through it and end up totally happy in the end. The reason they end up happy is because they chose to take control of their lives and their lives alone. Whatever decision you make about this child, make the best decision for you and your body. Make the choice to be happy no matter what, regardless of how crappy it feels now. You WILL get through this, there is no question in my mind. This is going to be a long road Kate, and you are going to need to hold onto who you are and who you always have been. The strong, brave, smart, funny, happy, beautiful woman you are. There are going to be bumps like this and you just need to get over them. You have me, and I am sure everyone else, behind you every step of the way."

Thank you so much everyone for being my backbone and filling my life with affirmations that I can do this. I can't even begin to tell you how your love and support has made my burden a little lighter and gets me from day to day when the world gets hard. I can only hope that my little bean has a support system as plentiful and strong as my own. From the bottom of my heart, Thank you. I would be truly lost without all of you.

Episiotomy, oh, Episiotomy How I Dread Thee

I bought Terry a book entitled So, You're going to Be a Dad. I thought it would be nice for him to get a comical view fatherhood from a man's perspective. Before I sent it off, I decided that I would read it so I wouldn't be a hypocrite. You know, telling him he should be doing something when I didn't. So, I read it. Well, kind of. I read most of it. Until I got to the labor and birth part.

With my growing belly comes growing anxiety about childbirth. I try not to think about it because there is nothing I can do about it. But sometimes that doesn't cut it and I get nervous. I am pretty good with pain so I don't stress over my ability to handle the pain part too much and if I can't handle it there always is the blessed epidural. Knowing that my body was designed to give birth and that women have been birthing babes for eons makes me a little less nervous. But every day closer to my due date the anxiety about the whole hospital situation mounts. Especially, what is going to become of my vagina? I happen to like my vagina and would like it to stay intact.

In this book, he said that his wife needed 57 stitches for her episiotomy. Nightmares!!! Nightmares for days on reading that. An episiotomy is a procedure where they cut the vagina to make the opening bigger and prevent tearing. If you cut off your finger I don't think you would need 57 stitches. I am going to pretend that the author said that just to freak the males out. Or give them some kind of perspective on the pain. Because honestly, I think you could remove my entire vagina with 57 stitches. Again, just thinking about it will give me nightmares for days.

I am hoping and praying that my endorphins kick in and I don't remember the pain part. When I see parents running around with 2, 3, 5 kids I reassure myself that they chose to do this more than once. If it was really that bad, wouldn't they have stopped at one?! At this point, I will tell myself anything to get me through.

Things of the Past

I got to see a dear old friend from high school the other night. She brought me this adorable baby gift that screams of her talents and creativity. Its a bouquet of bath toys and pacifiers. How cute is that?!?!

I haven't spoken to Bree in years. I think we all lose track of time when life is moving so quickly. I was taken back with how grown up she looked, professional, polished. I don't think I have ever looked so put together in my entire life. What struck me was how connected I felt to her but came to realize I have no idea who she has become. I was seeing the person I knew. A person I spent countless hours with all throughout childhood. But with years of maturity separating us, do I really know Bree now or is it the image of the person I used to know that I associate with?

I think I have changed a lot since high school. I am a mere reflection of the person I was then. However, I think the people that have known me since high school see me as the same person. Because they were present for the small life happenings that slowly changed my personality. They see all of the pieces that make up the whole and don't differentiate between the person I was in 2000 compared to who I am in 2007.

Recently, I have found more and more people are regarding me differently. I got pregnant so now I am a changed person. The thing is, I don't feel any different. Sure, physically I am changing. Emotionally, I might be gearing up for this new addition in my life. But I don't think my personality has change one iota. I would still love to go out, get all worked up over stupid boys, and stumble my way home. I just can't. But that doesn't mean I don't want to. I am positive that this tiny person coming into my life will change me. But he isn't here yet and I don't feel changed. I might be thinking very different things but I still feel like the same person I always was. With every new stage of my life, I adjust and move on. That is all I am doing. Adjusting to this new situation to the best of my ability and moving forward.

Whats in a Name?

I have been having trouble with names. I don't want to name the bean before I see him but to prevent him not having a name for weeks while Terry and I fight over it I think we should have a few favorites picked out. We have to decide on something that bean is going to live with forever. For those of you who know Terry and I, we are definitely on opposite ends of the spectrum. Terry insists that all my names are down home southern country boys. I believe that Terry's names are boarding school preppy kids. Dilemma, much.

I wanted to post some of our favorites and see what everyone else thinks. I also added nicknames, meanings, and stereotypes from this book I have. We still have a few months to decide but honestly it might take that long. I am going to add a polled so that you can vote on your favorite. We'll see which name wins before I pop.

Aidan - gaelic, little fire. A sensitive , caring guy who's always a good listener. People think his laid back manner and outgoing ways make him fun to be around. Physically, he's pictured as handsome and strong.

Dylan - welsh, God of the sea. A rare breed who's funny yet dependable. People think of Dylan as a cheerful, playful guy, but also loyal and caring. They say this light-eyed looker is always smiling.

Finn (maybe Finnian) - gaelic, little fair one. There's never a dull or quiet moment when Finn is around. People find this name fit for a gregarious, cheerful Irishman who has a great sense of humor as well as a short temper. Whether he owns a pub or works some blue collar job, he's said to be loud and fun loving. Not surprisingly, Finn is imagined with freckles and red hair.

Ethan - english, stong and firm. More of a listener than a talker. People consdier him to be reserved, compassionate, and down to earth. They say he's handsome, but can be a little mousy at times.

Jackson (Jack) - hebrew, God is gracious. A cutie, but friends adore him for his personality. Jackson is thought to be good-looking, kind, and smart. People imagine he's outgoing and popular as well as musically gifted.

Lucas (Luke) - greek. Sneaky but in a good way. Some people see him as a mischievous joker who's tall, dark, and smart. They say he loves to have fun, but he's also honest and kind. Other people, however, believe he's a quiet and brooding artist.

Wesley - english, western meadow. Full of personality, and he likes to share it. He's seen as a vibrant, popular, and amusing guy who's as smart as he is kind. He's most likely lanky with light-brown hair. Some people say this hard worker is eager to please, but others describe his as a bit of a showoff.

Wyatt - english, brave, stong, little warrior. Wyatt Earp became a legend at the OK Corral, and his image lives on. Wyatt is said to be brave, rugged Westerner who's tough and mean. People believe he's handsome, quiet, and intelligent.

The Real Reason I Want the Bean

Rebecca sent me this video ages ago but I still watch it all the time to keep me laughing. I can't even describe how excited I am to re-live this world through the bean's eyes. Everything seems like so much more fun to babies. Enjoy!!!

Now that Food has Replaced my Sex Life, I Can't even Get into my Own Pants

We're going full disclosure on this post people. This blog has replaced therapy and I have got a ton of scary things running through my mind. So, from here on out I am going to sacrifice dignity and tell it like it is. Just a warning.

I had a doctors appointment on Monday. Everything is absolutely fine and the bean is doing fabulous. I actually don't mind Drs appointments because I get to hear his little heartbeat and it makes everything I am doing worthwhile, a nice confirmation. What I don't like about Drs visits is the scale. They weigh me every time. It totally sucks. Don't get me wrong, I know that I am suppose to gain weight. Pregnancy means gaining weight, eating for two, second and third helpings, and all that good stuff. Normal weight gain is anywhere from 25-35 lbs but Dr. Diaz says she has seen women gain up to 75 lbs.

I honestly haven't been limiting myself at all. I have always loved food and nothing has changed. If I want ice cream, I have it. Chocolate milkshakes, bring it on. Cookies and milk, almost nightly. Dairy products have been my weakness. I finally bought maternity jeans and not a moment too late. I was determined never to wear maternity but once I discovered the comfort of elastic panelled pants I don't think I will ever wear jeans with a fly again. However, at this weigh-in I almost cried. I gained a total of 15 lbs so far. Yes, I know, I'm 6 months. I should have gained that much. But holy shit, 15lbs. That's a lot by pre-pregnant standards! The numbers are daunting. Granted most of the weight is baby and the rest is in my bra but, hey, that's still a lot.

With this new found weight, I have been feeling more and more unattractive. I know I look good for pregnant, not to be conceited, but I am the only one that gets to see me naked and its pretty scary. I am all belly. From the back, I still look like me but then I turn and there's this solid bump (small hill might be more accurate at the moment). To be honestly, I am glad that I don't have anyone to have sex with because I think I would feel too uncomfortable. Although, I do want to have sex. My sex drive has finally returned y'all!!! Praise Jesus!! I thought it had disappeared forever. During the first trimester, I turned back into a virgin. The second trimester was better but no one to do it with. With the third trimester just starting, it might be too soon to tell. But so far, I feel the rumblings that make me want to prowl but just feel too damn fat to get off the couch.

I don't know how women with husbands handled all this. I feel like it would be too much responsibility and effort to keep myself comfortable and him satisfied. Maybe if I had a husband I wouldn't give a hoot about his satisfaction. I consider myself lucky that I can stay on the couch. Although, a back rub would be nice by someone who was legally bound to be at my every whim. I guess I am going to have to settle for food cravings and sex dreams. Cause those dreams are *almost* as satisfying and I don't have to get out of bed. The best of both worlds!!!

Veteran's Day

Another message from Afghanistan:

"Today was my first Veteran’s Day as a veteran. I had the day off so I attend the ceremony held on post. It was a really nice and simple ceremony that had some music and some speakers. I started my morning by waking around 1am, crawling out of bed and throwing on some warm clothing. Of course now with the cold weather it’s always a little hard getting out of your sleeping bag where its nice and warm. Plus with the cold mornings you are always a little stiff and achy. I walked to the main road and found my company lining both sides of the streets. Two soldiers who I ordered not to be up at this early hour because they had work to do in the morning were standing there. Of course they looked at me knowing they disobeyed my order, but how could I punish those who felt they had to be with the other soldiers to pay there respects. Sometimes your best soldiers are the ones who break rules from time to time. I should know. The group came to attention and the bag pipes started to play amazing grace. Seven fallen soldiers caskets drove slowly past as we saluted them. Unlike many other times, this time I could not hold back my tears and just started weeping. A few days ago I was a mission, like normal trying to accomplish what needed to be done, at times frustrated that the troops on the ground were moving so slow. Twenty or so minutes after I left they were attacked and these young soldiers died.

I think the speaker at today’s ceremony hit the nail on the head when he discussed how none of us consider ourselves heroes, but we feel that those who made that ultimate sacrifice are the heroes that provide us with our freedom. It was a moving ceremony. So if you all can, take a moment today and think about those soldiers who have fallen, if you come across a veteran take the second to thank them. I personally now feel that the best way we can pay our respects to the veterans is not as complicated as sending packages or trying to go above and beyond, of course that is always nice, but more simply to live our lives to the best of our ability, to make the time for our friends and families, to do the things these young soldiers long to do, these things we often take for granted."

“War drew us from our homeland in the sunlit springtime of our youth. Those who did not come back alive remain in perpetual springtime-forever young and a part of them is with us always.” Author unknown.

Break on Through to the Other Side

Welcome November 10th!!!

First, this day is my 6th month mark!! I have successfully completed 6 months of pregnancy, only 3 more months to go. I really don't have any complaints. It hasn't been that bad so far. Most women have told me that the most uncomfortable and unbearable months are still yet to come. Bring them on, I say. Lets do it!!!

Second, we broke ground on the baby suite!!! My parents, as kindly as they are, agreed to add on a room for the baby and I to live in. Right now, we are a little crowded and with a bean (and possibly Becca) it will get even more crowded. My parents, brilliant and always resourceful, decided (with my prodding) to build an extra bedroom downstairs, re-do the bathroom, and install a new deck. Since I am going to be staying with them infinitely, because lets face it I need all the help I can get, I feel this is the best situation for all of us. I can get locked quietly in the bean's baby suite and not disturb the rest of the household.

Three Cheers to the next 3 months and my amazing parents!!!!

Rhymes with Shmashmortion

The other day someone went up to my mother and called me a conservative. From what I know, they have been debating politics for years now, him on the far right and my mother on the left. He vehemently stated that because I didn't have an abortion I was conservative, pro-life, and had joined the Bushie bandwagon. I felt like I need to take some time to address the issue. Because I don't like it when people call me conservative and really don't like it when they talk trash to my momma.

I am pro-choice. I always have been and always will be. I never imagined that I would be in this situation. I don't think anyone plans for it. I had to take three pregnancy tests before admitting to myself that I needed to go to the doctor. Denial was my best friend and the longer I ignored the situation, the longer I didn't need to think about it. When I finally did come to terms with the pregnancy, I had a very difficult decision to make and for me it wasn't black or white. I was always on the fence. I think that is why it took me so long to acknowledge I was pregnant because I knew, right from the beginning, that it wasn't going to be an easy road for me.

Abortion used to be a taboo word but today it has become commonplace due to the sheer volume, 42 million performed in 2003 world wide. I can only assume that the number has increased per year. Think about that number for a minute, 42 Million. To make matters worse nearly 48% were considered unsafe. 70,000 women die annually from unsafe abortions and 5 million women will suffer permanent injury. I am not saying that this happens in the US. In North America, there are 33 abortions for every 100 live births and nearly all of them are safe. I got these facts from the NY Times. With that many abortions happening annually it becomes just an everyday procedure; common; a quick answer to a difficult question; a solution to a messy situation.

Originally, I thought that abortion was the right choice for me. It was not the right time, I wasn't ready, its going to be too hard. I wanted more for my child then I had growing up and I did not think that I could provide that. It was an answer to Penny's "problem" as they say in Dirty Dancing. No hurt feelings, no disappointing conversations, no sacrifices made, life continues as planned for everyone involved. But the more I thought about it, dreamt about it, went to therapy about it, my opinion changed. I labored (no pun intended) on this for about 2 months. I didn't want to make a hasty decision that I was going to regret. A decision that would effect my entire life regardless of the outcome for the child. The more I thought about it, the more attached I became to what was happening inside my body, the more connected I became with this child. Technically, it still was a fetus, unable to survive without my body but to me it was my child that I needed to protect and nurture. I believe that when you accept a child into your life you grow another heart to accommodate for all the love that child will bring into your world. That one heart will not suffice. When the child's heart is broken so is yours, twice over. Once I connected with this child, my second heart complete, I knew abortion was no longer an option for me.

I wanted this child regardless of the circumstances and messy problems. Our families, our support, our friends, all of us together could provide a place in this world, a home, and all the love that this child could ever need. My relationships with others is what I cherish in my life. What makes life worth living. Yes, having a child is a hard and difficult road but I was willing and eager to take that road in hopes that our child will bring much more joy, love, and happiness to all our lives then pain or regret.

Keeping this child was my choice. I might not have chosen to get pregnant but I did choose to make this child a part of our world. That was the right choice for me, the choice that allowed me to look myself in the mirror every morning. That is why I am pro-choice. Because I don't know what I would have done if the circumstances were even a little different. Some may say that I am being nonchalant, that I am being way too optimistic and that I am unrealistic. But I have to be because I refuse to live my life shrouded in negativity and regret. I have searched my heart and pro-choice for me meant the choice of life for one little bean.

Bump Watch

Many have asked....so here are some new ones. This is at 25 weeks, about 5 1/2 months.

Beating the Beeties

The results are in. I officially don't have gestational diabetes. For those that don't know, gestational diabetes is the most common side effect of pregnancy. It effects 2% of women, which might not seem like much but there are a lot of preggo's out there. What happens is the mom becomes diabetic during pregnancy. The sugars that the mothers body can't break down go right to the baby resulting in large birth weights which is unhealthy. Big babies might not seem like a big deal but I wouldn't want a push out a 10 pounder that's for sure. Since the mom can't take any medication for it you have to regulate via diet. Usually it goes away after the baby is born but sometimes not.

Well, to test for this they first make you take a one hour glucose tolerance test. They take some blood then make you drink this nasty drink, sit for an hour, then take some more blood. I failed that one. Dr. Diaz told me not to worry that I was healthy (usually this effects women over 35 or those who are overweight) but that I would have to go take the three hour test to be sure. I kept telling myself not to worry but I did anyway. Being pregnant has made me a hypochondriac. Before I would get a cut and wouldn't go to the doctor until my arm fell off. Now, I stub my toe and have to call to make sure it won't effect the baby. Ahh, the beginnings of motherhood.

The three hour test was a ball of fun. I got my blood taken 4 times, peed 4 times, and had to drink this sugary, flat, orange soda all in 3.5 hours. Just what I always dreamed of doing on my Saturday off. The worse part was I had to fast. No eating or drinking from midnight before. Word to the wise, telling a preggo not to eat is like running around a lions den dressed as a steak. It ain't pretty. But the end of my test I was shaking and ready to eat a small child. I kid you not, ravenous is not an accurate description.

Of course this happened to fall right around Halloween. Every piece of candy that I saw taunted me. I wanted to eat it but felt guilty if I did have the beeties and was hurting the bean. I have the biggest sweet tooth ever and crave chocolate all the time. No joke, I go through about a gallon of chocolate milk a week. It is my one vice left standing. Thankfully, the results of the 3 hour test came back today and I passed!!! So, all the candy I put in the freezer will be thawed and I will continue to indulge on a piece of candy a day.

Thoughts from Afghanistan

When I first started this online journal I wanted other people to contribute and do guest blogs like a talk show. No one has approached me about this yet. But I recently got an email from Terry and I thought it would be nice to put it into the bean's archive that presently is this blog. (My thought was to make this blog and your comments into a book for when he turns 18, or older depending on content). Many of you have been asking about Terry and how he has been doing. Maybe I can answer this through his inspirational words because I can't do justice to what he does everyday. Hope you enjoy and Terry isn't mad.

"Things are still going well, just a lot on my mind. I always think of the scene in Forrest Gump when he is describing Vietnam, during the day there is always something to do and somewhere to go, but the nights are lonely ones. I think lately my nights are frustrating because you have all the time in the world to think and ironically there is absolutely nothing you can do. Life is on hold. Normally that never bothered me, but I’m starting to feel old.

I’m not one to really argue politics anymore like I use to, I tend to stay silent believing that my work and actions are the right one and accepting that there are those who are truly ignorant to some of the realities of our world. The day before I left for flight school I visited the world trade center. Every time I leave for something in the military, I admit I get nervous because I have no idea what to expect. And again prior to deploying I visited the world trade center. Whatever my sacrifice, it is no where near what those people and their families sacrificed that day and I feel the need to remind myself that for the motivation to face whatever fears I may have. My first visit to the trade center I saw sheets of plywood used as the barrier. Pictures of the victims stapled to them, notes left for them. More recently, when I visited the barricade was now a steel fence, with a memorial. The subway station was opened, which I was amazed by. I would venture to guess that one day when I visit again, maybe in years to come with the little guy, we will then see a large memorial. Point being, there is the American dream. There is rebirth and building, and the promise of a better future. The American dream is simply hope, hope that against all odds things will one day be better. Its is in our blood, brought to us by our family members who came to the U.S. wanting something more. I challenge all of you to think about that.

Its something I always believed, I believed we were in Afghanistan to rebuild the country based on books I have read, but to see it with your own eyes is to have a different opinion. The other day I flew over a castle occupied by Alexander the great, I can go the market place and purchase riffles from the turn of the century left here by the British when they tried to occupy the country, as I fly I can see the burnt remains of Russian tanks all over the country. Kabul the prominent city I read of, is still in ruins from the Taliban. In this country, centuries of war are still present, there is no rebirth, their history is in plain site. There is no hope, and when the member of the parliament told me that America is there last chance, I know believe that and know that its true. The world trade center has come a long way since that September morning, but that hope for something better doesn’t exist here, which is tragic because these are a good people, they just lack what many of us take for granted in my opinion. So I’m proud to be a small part of this."

Ode to Flatulence

Anyone who knows me well understands my immaturity when it comes to farting. I think that farting is perhaps the funniest thing that the human body can do. No matter how serious I am trying to be, please fart, and you will have me cracking up huge belly laughs. I can't help it. I clearly never grew out of the potty humor phase. I find it hysterical. There was a time in college when I thought I was growing out of it. When I would bite my tongue and fain disgust. I was definitely wrong.

One of the many joys of pregnancy is that I can blame pretty much anything on it. I don't feel well - pregnancy. I physically cannot move from this couch - pregnancy. I most definitely need seconds and thirds of that ice cream - pregnancy. Farting is no exception. I really try not to use the pregnancy excuse much because people already treat me like I have turned helpless and fragile overnight and I don't want to encourage that. However, whatever self respect I had on the issue of farting before pregnancy is long gone. I love it. I love feeling like I can rip one when ever and where ever I want. Sometimes, I honestly can't control it. Seriously. But most of the time, I can and don't want to because I find farting way too amusing. Its like old people and babies when they just fart, without warning, without explanation, and continue on with life as if nothing happened.

My family and poor Lizzy have taken the brunt of this. I have fallen into a routine when I get home from work. I find Lizzy and fart on her. Or I wait for a quiet moment around the dinner table and let 'em fly. Yes, its immature and I probably should know better but I am getting fat and uncomfortable and the little joys that keep me laughing are worth humiliating myself over. At first when I would uncontrollably fart at work, I would get embarrassed and couldn't believe it. But more recently, I have embraced it and find it quite amusing. I am not saying that I fart all the time but if one just happens to squeak by my radar, no big deal. What is getting more embarrassing is that I crack up, like milk coming out of my nose laughing. Who over the age of 12 does that?!?

Honestly, it is beginning to be my favorite pastime. Clearly, I don't get out much. I want to give everyone fair warning. If you happen to come across me in a pretty fowl mood, please fart. I will laugh. I can't help myself. Hell, I am chuckling even thinking about it.

The Rumor Mill

Despite pregnancy hormones, I don't get upset easily. I have acquired a tough skin over my 25 years and have learned not to react hastily. I knew that in having this child I would meet opposition. I knew that it was going to be a hard climb for me. I knew, walking into this, that I would be faced with questions and judgements. What I didn't anticipate was the rumor mill and how harshly I would be judged.

I don't care what people think of me, never really have. I can handle what people dish out. Frankly, if you are spreading rumors about me then you are no friend of mine. The people that I love and respect know the whole truth of my situation and that is what is important to me. I don't feel that I have to justify my actions.

However, it does upset me when people have a blatant lack of respect for the people that have been touched and affected by this pregnancy. This was a difficult situation for everyone. Being small minded, dishonest, petty, and rude have no place here. High school anitcs should be left there.

If you must slander me, by all means I won't stop you. But remember it is not just about me anymore. There is a child, families, and our loved ones involved. If you don't have the guts to confront to me in person then maybe you shouldn't be speaking at all. Don't you think that I have enough to deal with besides petty bullshit. Shame on you.

I did it!!!!

I finally worked up enough courage to tell my boss. It has been getting increasing difficult to hide this growing bump I have. I knew my time was up but I just couldn't get it out. I had been pumping myself up all week to tell her justifying that bad news is received better at the end of the week. I was aiming for Thursday. Then she tells me that she is not in Thursday and I am not in on Friday. Shit. So, I went back to my desk and thought about it for a minute then walk down to her office.

Wouldn't you know it she is totally fine with everything. I was having so much anxiety about telling her because I didn't know how she was going to react. She congratulated me, gave me a hug and said we would work everything out and not to worry. By this time I had worked myself up into such a tizzy that I was sweating like crazy and beet red. So much for looking good.

I cannot even begin to tell you how relieved I am. A weight has been lifted. My final obstacle in the 'letting people know' category has been checked off my list. Thank God I don't have any more people to tell. I don't think I could handle it.

The Next Broadway Diva

When I first felt the bean moving it kinda freaked me out. Most of the books describe it as a butterfly in your stomach which makes it sound pleasant. I thought he felt more like a fish swimming in my inside goo. Like the metaphor they always give you about the beginning of time and amoebas multiplying in a swamp. Ironically, the first time I felt him move was Sept. 4th also the night I said goodbye to Terry. There were many times before that when I thought I felt him move but usually it turned out to be gas. But more on that later.

Since then the little bean has been getting bigger and much more active. There are days when this guy launches full assaults on my liver, lungs, stomach, or anything else that is in his reach. The other day he was underneath my rib cage. I kid you not. I couldn't get comfortable all day. I felt like I had to keep my chest puffed out to give him room. When he finally moved it was a sweet sigh of relief. There are days when he feels like kicking up his heels (and elbows and knees) and other days when he is just chillin'. However, there are times when I distinctly feel like he is reacting to outside stimulus and having a good ole dance party in the womb.

Case #1: Mary Poppins. I went to see Mary Poppins on Broadway with Hayley. An overall enjoyable experience, I left with a hop to my step and a smile on my face. Unfortunately, I missed most of the first act because I could not concentrate for the life of me. Every single kick-turn that happened onstage was also happening inside me. Especially during 'Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious', I am telling you this kid has a flair for the dramatics already.

Case #2: Across the Universe. Aunt Becca and I went to see the new Beatles movie musical Across the Universe. Anyone who has seen it knows that its not all music. But every time a song came on - BAM!! He's dancing, moving, turning somersaults in his little aquatic habitat. Terry claims that I can't hold good taste in music against him but honestly it is very hard to concentrate on anything when my belly feels like something out of Alien.

The other day I experienced him getting the hiccups for the first time. Yes, the hiccups. He is testing out his swallowing skills on amniotic fluid. It was the weirdest thing yet. The best way I can describe it was small, timely, muscle spasms, in a specific spot. So cool, but yet again I could not finish sentences until the hiccups were gone. All the books say that babies are the most active between 20-28 weeks because there is still enough room for them to move around. I guess I should appreciate my lack of concentration and enjoy the bean letting me know he's doing OK and loving life.

Bump Watch

A lot of people have been asking me how big I am. Trying to describe on the phone that my clothes no longer fit, my pants are held together by rubber bands, and it looks like a volleyball under my shirt is not quite cutting it anymore. So, I am going to post pictures of my growing belly every once and a while so you get the full image.

This one was just taken on Sunday the 14th. As you can see I am getting bigger by the second. I refuse to wear maternity clothing but I think for comforts sake I might need to make concessions. I am just starting to get strangers noticing. I am sure the belly rubbing will come soon.

Just for reference, a normal pregnancy is 40 weeks long or 9 months. I am at 22 weeks or 5 months. Only 18 weeks to go. On the positive side, I am more than half way there. But Feburary is going to be here WAY too fast.

Things Your Mom didn't Tell You - Part 1

Holy Nightmares Batman!!! The experts say that due to hormonal changes you dream more frequently, intensely and vividly during pregnancy. That is perhaps the understatement of the year. I live my dreams every night. They are real, I swear. They last for hours and every second of them are as real as this moment right now. Never have I ever had dreams quite this real before.

Last night, I had a dream that a very close friend of mine was dying and I had one night to say goodbye. I can describe every detail to you, where I was, what I was wearing, what he was wearing, etc. I was hysterical beyond reconciliation. I woke up at 3am sobbing into my pillow and picked up the phone to call him to make sure he was OK, absolutely convinced there was something wrong. Then, reasoning it was a bad idea because he was probably asleep and wouldn't react kindly to a crying phone call at 3 in the morning. I calmed myself back to sleep just in time to wake up for work. Immediately this morning I emailed to make sure he was OK. Which, he is, clearly. But I needed to make sure because in my mind he was dead or dying. He assured me that he was not dead and if he was dying, he sure had a lot of work to do.

The articles that I have read on it say that the top dreams moms-to-be have are anxiety ridden dreams related to having a baby. The second top dreams are sex related. One women exclaimed that her sex dreams with Antonio Banderas were so vivid that she felt like she was cheating on her husband every night. I don't have a husband. Hell, I don't have a boyfriend! Why can't I have those dreams? It would be much more pleasant to wake up feeling satisfied and refreshed after a lovely romp in the hay then stressing over people dying. I guess I will just have to keep dreaming.

The history of the Bean

I had my first sonogram when I was 8 weeks pregnant, July 6th to be exact. I had no idea what to expect and went to my doctors by myself. As she slathered up my flat belly (I can say that now cause it ain't lying so flat anymore) and the image appeared on the screen. I had no idea what I was looking at.

So, this is what I am seeing and I am thinking, OK, it looks like a big black blob. Dr. Diaz is looking at me all expectantly like I am suppose to start bursting out in tears with how joyful I am. Meanwhile, all I can think is that I am going to be giving birth to a bean. A Lima bean. Well, at least it won't hurt. What are my parents going to think? I put red parenthesis around the spot you are suppose to be looking at. I found that out later on. Needless to say, I disappointed Dr Diaz for not being overly emotional and went home with this photograph. The first sonogram. I showed mom and explained to her that much to our surprise Terry and I had spawned a bean. Hence forth, we began calling our little growing man the bean. You might hear me reference the bean which has become his nickname and now you understand why.

My second sonogram was on July 24th. Thankful, this one looked slightly more human, which was a big relief. You could actually make out the head, legs, and hands when it moved. Yes, it was moving. If there ever was a doubt in my mind it was effectively erased when I saw the bean moving. I became engrossed, obsessed, and quite attached. This picture I took home and flashed around when friends and family didn't believe that I was pregnant. It currently resides on our refrigerator like my proud hand made drawing.

The last one that I had was again on the scary side which I totally blame on the 3D machine. Mom and the sisters, Becca and Lizzy, came with me to this one. It was pretty swanky. We were in a big room with a leather couch, soft lullaby music, and the ultrasound was projected on a flat screen TV mounted on the wall for all to enjoy. They measured the hemispheres of the brain, the four chambers of the heart, the spine, bones, all of it. The doctor said his heart was big and perfect, that we were going to have a romantic on our hands. Every time a foot or a hand came up, I was counting like a obsessive compulsive. They also told us it was a boy which made all of us start crying. I really wanted a boy. I don't quite know how they knew but they said that they could see the testicles and penis bud. They pointed at the penis and of course being me I said "Well I hope it gets bigger". Yeah, go me.

We were in there for over an hour at which point the technician turns and gives Rebecca a DVD of most of the sonogram. Pretty wicked cool right?! Word to the wise when watching this: it is very difficult to decipher unless you use your imagination. It is like one of those pictures that are all blurry but if you stare at it long enough it makes an image. Look for: the heart beating, you can see that a bunch of times. The legs very long, crossed at the ankles and you can see him move a little bit. She does a lot of stuff trying to make the image 3D (the sepia toned image) where you can the see the head face on. She said that either he was praying or sucking his thumb with his arms and hands very close to his face. He looks like a little skeltal but give this one pound guy some more time to cook and he'll be a healthy baby bean! So, have fun and remember be imaginative.

Me, my big self

I started seeing a therapist when I found out I was pregnant. She has been amazing and every week I feel lighter. At one point I was seeing her two times a week. Recommended by a friend and not having health insurance when I first found out, I didn't really care what I paid her as long as I could get a little normalcy. I didn't want this constant buzzing in my head about life changing decisions. I was so focused on not hurting other people that I was not focusing on myself. She helped me focus on myself and my needs.

Since things have started to settle down (somewhat) I decided that I can't justify spending $400 a month on my therapy, especially with a bean on the way. Working with social workers, I much appreciate the concept of therapy. I do believe that you should seek expert opinions when your life seems to get away from you. I had a very difficult decision to make and was extremely overwhelmed. She helped me through that decision and I am grateful. However, I feel better now. I am happy about this pregnancy and truly enjoying it. I could justify spending the money when I was feeling overwhelmed, I just can't anymore.

So, this week I broke up with her. It was very hard for me but necessary and my mind was made up. Week after week I seemed to have less and less to talk to her about. But right before I left her office she goes, "We still have so much to work on. I definitely think you have some dependency issues. You seem to be unable to allow yourself to depend on others. Think about it" Umm, what?!? Nice way to spring this on me right after I cancelled my sessions. I can't stop thinking about it. Is she right or was she just trying to get me to stay for more sessions?

Today, I find myself analyzing most of my relationships. I strive to be independent. I always have. My terrible two catch phrase was 'Me, My big self do it'. Maybe that still lingers with me today. I don't believe I am afraid of dependency. I understand, especially now, that I will need to depend on the support of my family and friends to allow myself to have somewhat of a personal life after this child is born. I appreciate and relish that my family is allowing me to depend on them. However, I don't think it is right for me to rely on them all the time. I am 25. I should be independent.

Maybe the answer lies beyond my family. Maybe there is no answer. I do depend and delegate when I need to. I tend to rely on myself for everything else. Which, I don't think is a bad thing. I think I need to chalk this off to she wanted more money and move on with my life. I know that I am not perfect and I definately could go to years and years of more therapy. And maybe, when I am making a little more money and not saving for a tremendous life change, I will. But for now....me, my big self can do it.

Registy!!!!

There is this infamous thing called a baby registry. I did not know much about said registry when I first got pregnant but in the next coming months I learn a lot about it. In a store you can make a wish list for all the things that you want for your baby and hopefully people will buy those things for you at your baby shower. It is quite lovely because then you get exactly what you want and not a ton of the same things.

However, I have been having a hard time. Because I simply do not know what I need, how much I need, what specific products are absolutely essential for a 2008 baby. Conveniently these stores give you a list of things they think you need, usually about 3 pages long. I never knew something so little would need so much. Anyway, there were a few things on the list that I thought were absolutely ridiculous that the baby experts deem essential for any new baby.

An example of these 'must have' items that didn't exist ten years ago....

The Wipe Warmer - wipes go in and then warmed to a nice temperature for your precious baby bottom. The purpose is if the babe is half asleep it might go back to sleep if you use a warm wipe on its ass instead of startling it with a cold one. I feel that wipes are a pretty good invention as it is. Besides I tend to think that the wipes might get brown or moldy in a warmer. Of course they probably invented something that doesn't allow them to get moldy for an additional $20.

The Floppy Seat - a fabric inlay for your shopping cart so little fingers stay safe. Generally, cool idea. But some of them are so freaking interactive that they gave me a migraine. They are cushioned, with toys, play music, light up, rattle, and make dinner all in a floppy seat. I totally want one cause I think they are totally unnecessary but a great way to prove to other moms that I have the coolest accessories.

The Wee Block, aka the Pee-Pee Tepee - your baby boys first jock cup, how cute. No really. These exist in all sizes and colors. This one in a fashionable "Wee Man" pattern. I saw another one that said "The Little Pisser". Specifically designed to prevent your lil'guy from peeing in your face. Put one of these over his little pecker during changing time and your safe. Seriously. Seriously, people.

Last but not least...The Hands Free Breast Pump - yes ladies, you can officially become a cow and get milked. I was horrified when I saw this. Horrified. Can you believe that things like this exist?!? Look at this picture. She is so happy being a cow, talking on the phone and getting work done!!! I am going to breast feed but that alone is scary enough. Making yourself into a milking machine is so degrading. I don't even have the words. I swear if anyone gets me this it better be a joke, cause there is no freaking way.