Things I Learned in 2009

I learned that age is a state of mind.

Moving home was the best thing I could ever do for Wyatt. He is surround by family that adores him and he, in turn, has filled our home with laughter.

I have reached my Backyardigans limit. I'm sorry Wyatt. I'm tapping out.

Despite first impressions, working for a church is never dull.

I am surprisingly in love with that stupid dog, renamed Doctor Pupstein, aka Pup.

I will always search for the silver lining in every situation and every person.

Hard times will come but eventually the good times will come too.

Sometimes all I need is five minutes and a cup of tea to clear my head.

I am still using a bottle in my hand as a security blanket, if I am uncomfortable undoubtedly a beer will make me feel more assured.

Life moves slowly when you are waiting for it to go.

My family grows stronger and more resilient every year despite hardships endured.

Pity parties are boring.

Every store I walk into I will find something for Wyatt. I have learned not to look.

I tend to make mountains out of molehills.

I am terrified of other peoples children, despite having my own.

I have been hurt, I will be hurt again, and there is nothing I can do about it.

Wyatt's angelic face still catches me of guard. How is it possible that I have created something so beautiful?

I am terrible at keeping in touch but I think about my friends (old and new) on a daily basis.

I am slowly being pushed out of my own bed by a toddler's size 7 and a snoring puppy that must be in contact with my body at all times. I have been contemplating curling up at the bottom of the bed. There will be more room for me that way.

My patience is a work in progress.

I am an eternal optimist, sometimes to a fault.

There is nothing more exhilarating to me then the first few months of a relationship when sleep doesn't matter.

Its easier to blame others then take responsibly for our actions. I do not want to be that person.

I am grateful for every break in my heart. It has made me who I am today.

We (meaning our entire household and a few frequenters of 105) are on a first name basis with the entire cast of Cars, which is extremely impressive since my Dad can barely remember my name half the time.

I am very sensitive regarding my mothering skills and tend to take every comment to heart. I am working on fixing this.

Online dating is not as scary or intimidating as I thought. Actually, it can be down right fun.

I have added words like sacristy, eucharist, vestments, Lambeth, and episcopalian into my daily vocabulary.

All I need is a hug from my son to make any bad feeling melt away.

I take my family for granted. Period.

When my sisters and I are together we revert to children. I honestly think that this will still ring true when I'm 50. What can I say? They bring out the best in me.

I would rather live in a messy house then miss one minute of Wyatt's cuteness.

I've learned to keep breathing.

Mothering a toddler is much harder then mothering a baby.

I can be extremely motivated or extremely lazy and usually nothing in between.

Wyatt continues to be my joy, my greatest love, and the best thing about me.

Contender Four and Merry Christmas to All!

The Vast Ocean

The biggest problem that I have encountered with my new found dating escapades is when to drop the "Baby Bomb". I am pretty hesitant to say anything at least for the first few dates. Simply because I want to make sure the new guy is focused on dating me and not a creep that wants to meet my son. There are sick people out there. But it's a waiting game. If I wait too long, they might think I am hiding other things or that I am embarrassed about having a child, which couldn't be farther from the truth. Wyatt is the best thing about me. Then sometimes, if I delve too soon, I don't hear from them again. It has happened, several times. "Oh, you have a son! Well, it was nice meeting you." Seriously. Which I guess I would rather know in the beginning then waste my time.

I have a hugely difficult time talking about myself while excluding Wyatt. He is engrained in the fabric that I am made of. I have come to define myself as a mother, everything beyond that has become blurry. Pick the single, most defining aspect of your life, the part that excites you the most, that you think about most constantly, that everything else in your life hinges around and erase it. Then try to carry out several conversations, maybe a date or two, without trying to speak of that one thing or remotely elude to it. Compile that with my deep love of talking about Wyatt and it is near impossible for me. Someone once told me that I light up even speaking his name. Yes, I have interests beyond Wyatt which I tend to focus on but eventually I get the "why" questions. Why do you work 19 hours a week? Why did you move back to LI? Why don't you travel more? Are those fish stickers on your phone? Its kind of hard to juggle around.

Then there is the anxiety that builds once I decide I am going to spill. How should I phrase this? Where is my lead in? How will they take it? Do I answer all the questions that follow? I got "How did you acquire your son?" once. Isn't that the oddest choice of wording! I was on a date about 3 weeks ago. It was going really well, as first dates go, and after 3 drinks I decided that I wanted to tell him about Wyatt. Sooner then I would have but there was an ease of conversation and a comfortability that had promise. So I found an opening and jumped. In the obligatory 5 second pause he took to compose himself, I practically peed with self doubt. He took a deep breath and said "I am honored that you trusted me enough to tell me about your son." VERBATIM, forever etched in my memory. By far the best answer I have gotten and one that made me adore him even more. Then after a few more questions about Wyatt (nothing about how I acquired him) he continues with "I am sure coming out took some planning. So, thank you for spending your night out with me." Swoon. Needless to say, I have seen him a couple times since and would be mortified if he finds this and knows I am writing about him but it is such a good story.

Christmas Contender: Three

Christmas Contender: Two

22 Months

Wyatt,

Good Lord Child! You had your first, bona fide, screaming, stamping, Broadway worthy, hissy fit today. You did not want to get out of the car. You wanted to go to the post office. Problem was, love, that we had already been there. I wrangled you out of your car seat praying that I could get you to the house before the neighbors called DSS. Once inside, you threw your little body on the floor, wailing and waving your arms. Then you stood up, ran over to your train table and threw all of the toys on the floor. When I would try to pick you up to comfort you, you would make your body limp so it was like picking up a single strand of angel hair pasta with chopsticks. I tried to distract you with ice pops and Pup and pretty much anything I could think of. Eventually, I wrapped you in my biggest bear hug with all three of your blankets and you quieted then fell asleep in about 2 minutes. Poor thing. It was very tragic. At one point I had to smile at the insanity of it all.

This is the second time this week that you have refused to get out of the car. Earlier this week, we went to a party at Brianne and Elias's new house. You had a blast but then I had to switch gears to go to a not-so-surprise engagement party for Michael and Johanna. (Congrats!!) I began prepping you, telling you we were going to another party. Well, we stopped home to get Gammy and you really wanted to GO TO ANOTHER PARTY!!! The huge crocodile tears rolling down your cheeks when I shut off the car engine. Needless to say, we got to Michael's an hour early. Either I am pushing you way past your over-tired limit or you are a very social little guy and need to be around your adoring public all the time. Beyond these two isolated incidents you have been amazing, as usual. Maybe you are just trying not to spoil me. Or maybe, just maybe, you are testing your limits. Seeing how far you need to push me before I cave to give you what you want. I will not even mention that I am a huge push over, especially for you.

We have been working on counting. Basically I have been sticking to one, two, three. Which you always count as one, three, two. I'll take it. Then, the other day, we were counting the wheels on your train and you bust out with "One, three, two, five, six, eight!" Granted, not quite right but SOO close. You retain so much more then I think you do. I guess I have to steamroll ahead and start counting to 10. Our class at the Y has got you interested in songs too. You started singing "Raining, pouring, raining, pouring" which I think was suppose to be "Its raining. Its pouring. The old man is snoring." You also sing "Clean up time, clean up time." when you put your toys away. You don't get the melody right but you raise your voice to this sing-song falsetto that is perhaps the sweetest sound I have ever heard. You have a talent that we have just begun to see.

I go through spurts of feeling motivated to get you out of my bed. I have been in one recently, after a night when I thought I had a black eye because you kicked me in the face. But then you always redeem yourself and I go back to not caring. Last night, I was trying to get you to sleep, you were all cuddled in my arms, and I feel your little finger start tracing circles around my eyelids. You start whispering "Momma's sleeping. Night, night, Momma. Shhhh, Momma's sleeping." then you poke my nose and start saying "wake up, Momma, wake up!" I open my eyes and you start laughing inches from my face with your huge blue eyes looking right into mine. Why would I ever want to give that up?

I love you everyday. (Even during a hissy fit!)

Momma

Christmas Contender: One

The next few Saturday's I am posting our Christmas Card contender photos. Sound off to which one you this is the best!

The Story Teller at His Finest

I went into Party City with Wyatt and he found this HUGE balloon of Pablo from the Backyardigans. I had left my wallet in the car (classic Kate) besides $8 for the balloon is ridiculous. So, trying to ward off a toddler hissy fit, I told him it was stuck. OH MY GOD, he went on about that balloon for days. Saying it was stuck, he couldn't reach it and we can't get it down. If I knew it meant that much to him I would have just bought the silly thing. At the end of the video he does his classic "oh no, oh no." He says that ALL the time in this high falsetto that sounds so tragic like the world is ending. There is a crack in our driveway that gets him every time we go to the car. "Crack!! Oh no, oh no." The way he says it I wouldn't be surprised if the Grand Canyon suddenly appeared in our driveway.

The 3 P's of My Life: Puke, Poop, and Pee

Wyatt is sick. I know its that time of year when everyone feels yucky but he is so helpless when he feels bad. He can't tell me what is bothering him so he just sits and looks pathetic. It makes it so much worse. He has this hacking cough that made him sound like a barking seal in the beginning and now sounds more like the heat coming on in the old pipes. When I do get him to sleep, he will wake himself up in coughing fits where he can't breathe. Last night it got so bad he started throwing up. He totally didn't care. It was like "Hack, hack, puke, hack, puke, hack, hack. Oh, Mom turned the light on. Time to get my trucks!" At one point, while I was changing the sheets, he threw a "Morning!!" in the mix. "No, bud, its still time for sleeping." Its already been a week and two doctor visits. I really hope it doesn't last much longer.

I want everyone who said no to us getting a dog to keep their "I told you so's" to themselves for a minute while I vent about Pup. Pup is very cute, cuddly and lovable but he is also very stupid. Seriously, there has to be some genetic flaw or lack of brain cells or something. He EATS everything. EVERYTHING!! If you need an example: all of Wyatt's toys, books, the draft dodger, pens, my underwear (which is too disgusting to go into detail), bananas, paper, glasses, my cell phone charger and Mac charger, etc, etc. I am praying that it is just the puppy phase because if he keeps on I am going to give him away on the corner. I am tailoring Wyatt's Christmas list around what I think will last the longest without Pup eating it. I found this amazing functioning cement mixer that Wyatt would DIE for and I am hesitating because spending $40 on a dog toy is out of my budget. Also, he is still having potty issues. Specifically, when I am giving Wyatt a bath. I think it might be vindictive because Pup will get in the bath if I let him in the bathroom. But my common sense tells me he is not smart enough to be vindictive. I yell "Pup" four thousand times a day. Bear was just such an amazing dog. Even in heaven she is still making Pup look bad. My only consolation is that Wyatt adores him. Seeing Wyatt on the couch with Pup's head on his lap is worth it while I am scrubbing the carpet. Most of the time. Ok, I'm ready for the "I told you so's" now.

Wyatt said "Stop cars, train coming" about two weeks ago. I was reading him a book and we were on a page about a railroad crossing. Hands down, he is a genius. I am considering this a sentence. Sentences before two years old!! Is this genius status or am I just being a proud mom who thinks their child is the best and possibly the next Einstein? His sense of language in general seems very advanced to me. He knows possessives. Like Mom's shoes and Pa's shirt. He has a sense of humor. He does this fake laugh, covers his mouth and says "silly, silly." He tells whole stories around the dinner table about what he did at Mommy and Me class or what he saw outside that day. Now, if I can just get him to pee on the potty. We sat in the bathroom yesterday for 10 minutes for him to walk into the den and pee on the rug.

Everyday Thankful

Impracticality

I came home from Khol's the other night with the most random of purchases. I bought these boots for Wyatt which he ADORES and once I tried them on him at the store refused to take them off. For myself, I got these lovely brown pumps for $12. Read it and weep ladies, $12. Both of these purchases are entirely idiotic for two reasons; Wyatt cannot walk in his boots and I cannot walk in these heels. However, I couldn't seem to help myself. I guess I have a shoe fetish.

Wyatt fell in love with his boots as soon as he saw the Lightning McQueen on the box. Lightning is the main character in Cars, for those who don't know, and for which Wyatt lives and breathes. I have humiliatingly been reduced to sleeping with a Lightning fleece blanket on my bed while Wyatt is clad head to toe in Car's pajamas. In order to get him to try on the boots, that I was doomed to buy, I told him that they would help him run really fast in the snow. The result was he now thinks he needs to run in his boots ALL THE TIME. The funny part it that Wyatt's running is really moving at the same speed as walking but moving your legs extra fast. I am pretty positive that they are not waterproof and barely insulated which for snow boots is pathetic. We are going to try them out for Christmas tree cutting on Sunday. Lets hope his feet stay dry or that there is no snow.

For someone who barely ever wears heels, I have an awful lot of them in my closet. Its my secret frivolous purchase. I go boot shopping almost every winter. I specifically stear clear of DSW because I know I will spend too much money, regret it later but refuse to return anything. Despite my shoe options, I usually only wear my well-loved Converse. Well, it looks like Wyatt shares my shoe obsession because as soon as he saw my new brown heels on the table he wanted to try them on. He clopped around the house like that for a good 15 minutes. Below, is a little clip of Wyatt testing out his running boots outside the other day.

Right Before He Peed on the Table

Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes

I have been reading a lot of my older posts lately. Surveying my life (and Wyatt's) over the two years. A lot of the stuff I simply had forgotten it happened. Then I read a post and am brought right back. Its like when I'm in bed and I swear I will remember whatever I am thinking that very moment. Then the sun hits my eyes and I have no idea what it was regarding. I just remember that I have forgotten something. This blog gives it all back. But my point (yes, I swear I have one) is that I am shocked at how my anxiety level has dropped the older Wyatt gets. When he was just born, every other post is about some kind of anxiety. It really does get easier (until he is thirteen and then one of us will definitely not survive puberty).

I have have not bothered to buy books. I swore by "What to Expect: the First Year" until he was about 8 months at which point I decided they were toxic. They have an entire section at the back that is focused on first aid. Relatively handy but terrifying. If I mistakenly opened to the page "What to do if your child looses an appendage?" it was guaranteed nightmares for a week. Chances are he is not going to cut off his finger but now the graphics are burned into my memory and everything is a potential severing device. I refuse to use google to diagnose anything. Cause sure enough if your child still sleeps with you, he has cancer of the belly button that is keeping the cord still attached. Seriously, everything on google leads to cancer. Try it. Reminds me of that 10 degrees of separation game that always ends with Kevin Bacon. Lately, I have been relying more on instinct parenting. If he seems like he is thriving chances are he is. It seems to be working and I sleep much better.

Although, I am slightly lost about the little things. Like when should I ditch the bottles and transfer to milk in sippy cups? He will not drink cold milk. Refuses. So, I think bottles will stay for a little while longer. Or when can I throw out the binky? He didn't use it a lot for a while; strictly for naps only. But now that he can ask for it, it seems to be in his mouth more often. I really don't want him to be that 5 year old with a binky. I am relying on our pediatrician to give me most of this information but our next appointment is at two. The big things are accounted for, like walking, talking, eating, starting potty training, reading books every night. I guess the little things will fall into place. Hell, he's an extraordinarily happy kid. What else matters really?

On the organic front, I'm not all organic so I can't really expect Wyatt to be. Yes, I buy organic whole milk, apple juice, juice boxes, snacks, and as much produce as my limited grocery store offers. In all honesty, organic is more expensive and I can't afford to make meals for the entire family organically. And I am not going to make Wyatt a completely separate meal. Especially if we are out to dinner, he wants to eat what I am eating and if thats pizza, well, he gets pizza. (Did I break some huge Mom rule? Pizza and ice cream before two!! Blasphemy!!) I really do try my best but I am not going to stress out over it either. He is a really healthy kid and in my mind (which is totally not based on fact) its due to breast feeding for 8 months, organic food, and possibly genetics. In that order. Did you know I got my PhD online last night?

My Tension Release

21 Months

My Wyatt,

You are speaking and joining words together to make 2-3 word sentences. This has resulted in a very demanding 21 month old. For example, this morning I happened to mention helicopters as one flew over our house. You immediately grabbed my index finger with your hand and started pulling me towards the door. "Oppatopper, oppatopper! Come on! Come on! Check out. Ryeberry." Which vaguely translates to "Mom, Come on! Lets check out the helicopter movie at the library." You are obsessed with this movie that we have permanently rented. I refuse to spend money on movies this mind numbing. I keep hoping that you are going to forget about it but you have the memory of an elephant. Seriously, we watch it once and when the credits begin to roll, you grab the remote saying "play again, play again." Needless to say, we met up with Kari and Lars Christian and took a walk to the library this morning. I (try to) write this as you are watching your beloved oppatopper movie while simultaneously playing with your cars.

Your eating habits have also taken a downturn with your perfected ability to say no. Don't get me wrong you are a champion eater. I know this is a real problem for some parents and I am glad that I am not one of them. You eat edamame with a passion. Absolutely love your little beanies, as we call them. You

love peas, steak, roasted chicken, blueberries and raspberries. You have your occasional hunger strike where you refuse to eat anything but most of the time your amazing. You also demand what you want. Usually after I have made something else. I will have just made you an organic blueberry toaster waffle and you will run to the refrigerator, pull out eggs and cheese, demanding "eggies". Sometimes I will make the mistake of asking you what you want to eat.

"Grilled cheese?"

"No"

"Dippy, dip with dinosaur chicken?" aka chicken nuggets with ketcup

"No"

"Fish sticks?"

"No. Sharks! Sharks! Sharks! Peese, sharks, peese." Which are shark shaped gummy fruit snacks. How can I say no when you throws a "peese" in there? I'm a sucker, every time I'm a sucker.

I have a new favorite time of day. It used to be putting you to bed, cuddled together, reading books. Then it was the morning before we get up and you wave to the window saying "Hi, sun". But now its bath time. I have always loved bath time but especially when its cold out. I break out the space heater and make our little bathroom a sauna. It feels like the only time I can get warm when its cold out. I think your more comfortable too. You are always so happy at bath time. You tell entire stories, going on and on, even though I rarely can keep up. When you're ready to get out, you push the lever to let the water out, and I grab a towel. I lay the towel on my lap and you stand raising your arms to get picked up. You kneel on my thighs and burry your head into my shoulder. Usually getting me soaking wet in the process. I wrap you and warm you as you hum into my chest. I love smelling your clean goodness. I look forward to that every night.

I have been pretty out of it the last few months, just distant I guess. Gammy says that I have lost my spark. And the commercials say that depression effects everyone. Its not really obvious to the outside world but to the people who really know me, its palpable. But I am starting to feel better, slowly, but starting. I am getting more motivation, laughing more, attempting to regain my social life, and playing with you a whole lot more instead of just watching you play. We went to Friendly's the other day. Just you and I, sitting side by side in a long booth, watching out the window for trucks and school buses. We shared a sundae and you got the whipped cream on your nose. I was so proud to be there with you. Just the two of us, living in the moment, and enjoying life. I am trying to have those moments every day because I know someday you won't laugh when I wipe the whipped cream off your nose and eat it. Thank you for bearing with me while I was in a dark and twisty place. I'm back now. I'm back for you.

I love you everyday.

Mom

Being Pa

Happy Birthday Pa!!

May The Force Be with You

Although unconventional for a toddler, I thought Yoda was the most brilliant costume on the market. He is exactly Yoda sized! I have been talking about it for a good 3 months. I decided on Princess Leila for myself. And attempted to make a black cape for Pup so he could be Darth Vader. The cape worked all right but I didn't think far enough in advance to allow for a hole for his leash. So, once the leash was on, he got all kinds of confused. Seriously, am I the only one that thinks this is entirely a stroke of genius!?!

He was just so cute. I couldn't stop staring at him. I started preping him for Halloween a few weeks in advance saying he was going to wear his "silly hat". Of course, that didn't work very well and he refused to put it on. I changed my tactic and explained that his outfit made him a monster. The magic word. He wore that hat all day.

Visiting the Great Grandparents before they jetted back to Florida.

An action shot. I love that his hair peeked out of the front a little. He devoured his first Kit Kat and then I paid the price with him staying up till 10:30. He is never having chocolate again.

Happy Halloween!

Trick or Treat

The 80's are Out!

I have been hesitant to cut Wyatt's hair for a long, long time. It took him so long to grow any hair at all that it felt like a shame to cut off all his hard work. However, it was becoming more and more apparent that it had to be done. Over the summer, he has these tight curls at the base of his neck. So cute. More recently his curls have become heavy, matted down, and frizz. Even in his "all boy" clothing he has been mistaken for a girl far too often. I have allowed him to grow a mullet. A full fledged mullet. There is really no excuse for that.

So, I motivated on a spontaneous whim. That often happens to me. Its ok until suddenly its not and I have to fix it immediately. I found this little place called Little Stars. They had airplanes and jeeps that he could sit in and could play video's at each station. They were also smart enough to have a ton of toys.

He sat still in an airplane for maybe 2 minutes. The woman tried to put a robot smock on him. I thought the robots would trick him but he wasn't fooled. He wanted out and fast. Gammy came to the rescue, sitting with Wyatt on her lap, getting hair covered, so I could take pictures and fetch toys. She didn't cut the front at all. Just shaped up the back some and trimmed around his ears. No buzzers involved.

Overall, I think he did great. I guarantee the stylist would say otherwise. He was a moving target a lot of the time, staying still in short spurts. But honestly what would you expect from a toddler.

It is my personal opinion that his cuteness stock has tripled since his haircut. His hair is wavy and thick. Still unruly but shaped, defined. I can't stop looking at him. Ok, so I have always stared at him but he's just so cute! The video below is just us playing around outside. You can see his haircut in action. And I think its hysterical that every time he sees the camera he says "cheese". God, I just can't get enough! He's all grown up.

Operation Stealth Pumpkin

Amen, Sister

Sometimes we choose to serve our country in uniform, in war. Sometimes in elected office. And those are the way of serving our country that I think we are trained to easily call heroic. It's also a service to you country, I think, to teach poetry in the prisons, to be an incredibly dedicated student of dance, to fight for funding music and arts education in the schools. A country without an expectation of minimal artistic literacy, without a basic structure by which the artists among us can be awakened and given the choice of following their talents and a way to get to be great at what they do, is a country that is not actually as great as it could be. And a country without the capacity to nurture artistic greatness is not being a great country. It is a service to our country, and sometimes it is a heroic service to our country, to fight for the United States of America to have the capacity to nurture artistic greatness.

Not just in wartime but especially in wartime, and not just in hard economic times but especially in hard economic times, the arts get dismissed as 'sissy'. Dance gets dismissed as a craft, creativity gets dismissed as inessential, to the detriment of our country. And so when we fight for dance, when we buy art that's made by living American artists, when we say that even when you cut education to the bone, you do not cut arts and music education, because arts and music education IS bone, it is structural, it is essential; you are preserving the way of life we are supposedly fighting for and its worth being proud of.

-Rachel Maddow

Choo-Choo

The Escape Artist and his Partner in Crime

20 Months

My Wyatt,

You have learned "no". This has not been one of my favorite developments. Last week, if I asked you to find your shoes because we were going to the store you would trot off searching. Usually bringing two different shoes but still. This week, you will look up and acknowledge my request then start repeating "no, no, no" all while shaking your head. But its always your tone that kills me. Its a cross between sarcasm and amusement, with a hint of whine. With that little no, your actually saying "Woman, really?! Can't you see I am playing with my cars? You're going to have to come up with a better bribe than that." I knew the talking back was going to happen eventually but I never expected this soon. You're not even 2!!

Dad and I took you to see the Otto the ghost display at Hicks Nursery. You were much more enthused about it then you were last year. In the last window display there was a mechanical girl raking leaves. Well, there was a fake leaf that got caught on her rake. You did not like that one bit. You kept dragging me over to her and repeating "stuck, stuck." We would try to distract, "Yes, I know its stuck honey but look at the spider!" Out of all the things to notice, that is what you focus on. Simply amazing. One of the employees gave you an apple to feed the goats. You ran right over to the farm area and laced your fingers through the chicken wire. Thats when this nasty rooster pecked your index finger. You didn't cry just stared down at your finger with this bewildered look on your face. When we got home you told the story to Gams and Pa over and over. Which basically consisted of you pointing at you finger and saying "bite, bite" while I spoke of chickens.

I was reminded when your Aunts and I took you last year. You were just this little mush of a baby that we stood amid the pumpkins while attempting funny faces to make you smile. We took you on the hay ride and you were less than thrilled. I tried to take pictures of you this year and you barely looked at the camera, never mind staying still. It seems like a minute ago that you were casually viewing life from the comfort of my arms and now you are running around experiencing it for yourself. You're talking!! And making connections. Gammy was reading you a book about a giraffe. She was pointing out its long neck and you stop, looked, and responded with "and spots." Less than a year ago, you were this blob (affectionately speaking) and now you're "and spots" and "tomato" and "octopus" and "sit down mom. Mom, sit down."

Your Great Grandma Stephanie passed away this month. Your dad told me this story once about a young man who was a bartender. He watches as graceful, beautiful, and engaged woman walks in. The bartender without hesitation, knows in his heart, that this is the woman he will marry. They were married for 59 years. When you were about five months old, we were having dinner up at Dad's house. You were in my arms staring at your Great Grandma while she told some animated story about the squirrels outside your window. You were enraptured and hung on her every word. She was an amazing woman, a force of nature, capturing even the youngest of hearts with a single story.

I love you everyday.

Mom

Trouble with a T

Does Picture Perfect Even Exist?

I have been feeling very underwater lately, foggy, like there is this haze in front of my eyes. I have been thinking too much. I find my mind wandering from what I am doing. I'll be down the beach playing with Wyatt and then just zone out for a few minutes staring at the water. Sometimes I think its a result of be being tired. I play out these imaginary scenes in my head with grand gestures, with people breaking out into song and dance, with flowers and romance, with fairy tale endings. I know full well that these imaginations will never happen but I let them play out. Like watching scenes from a movie. It sounds weird now that I write it out but thats just how my mind figures things out.

I wish my life could have a soundtrack where music would start playing at key moments in every situation. I wish I always had the right words to say. That everything I phrased would come out perfectly well intentioned, intelligent, and universally understood. I wish I could live in a string of Hallmark moments. I have a tendency to want everything to be perfect. Maybe everyone does. I dream about trips to Disneyland with a mom, a dad, and a baby. I want a perfect family unit for myself and Wyatt. I feel like we both deserve that. Most of all I feel like Wyatt deserves that. I feel like I somehow failed him because I can't provide that nuclear family. I know he doesn't know the difference right now. But some day he will. And I might still not be ready when he figures it out.

I really want everything to work out. And most of the time, I have hope that it will. But being a single mom, I am often reminded that not everything is perfect. And sometimes it is hard to find the silver lining. To remember that I'm not alone. To remember that I am not overwhelmed. To remember to have hope for the future. To remember that I am desirable. To remember that I am successful. To remember that just because its not perfect right now doesn't mean it won't be in the future. I am just having a moment, a hard week. It will pass.

The New Meaning of Bathtime

The Simple Pleasures

My Sun, My Son

Dancing Around Dog Poop

Ok, so, we all know about my eHarmony adventure. I must say it has been rather amusing. There is this whole process of asking questions back and forth before you finally get to open emailing. It is kind of tedious but I would like to think I can weed out some of the creepers that way. Below is a sampling of questions that I asked and the answers that I received.

1. You're stuck on a desert island. You have one book, one movie, one CD, one TV series, and an item of your choice. What do you bring?

One book, likely the Tao Te Ching or something similar for tons of reasons I'll happily discuss with you at leisure. Movie would likely be The Fountain, for similar thoughts. CD is a collection titled "Samhain" I have from overseas. TV series is House, MD almost without question. Last item would be one of a collection of knives I have, from which other things, culminating in a seaworthy catamaran, could be constructed! =)

2. What is your favorite family tradition?

My family has never been particularly close, so we do not have many traditions of any consequence. All of us however have served in some military capacity, myself included (1998-2005, in Persia) and I have great pride in the many circles and adventures carried on by a military family, however otherwise scattered it might be.

3. What is the most spontaneous thing you have ever done?

Once when I was in Arabia we were invited to dine with a Bedouin clan in the area, and I took that sheik's peregrine to play with and chase after a tennis ball. It was very rude of me to invade his space however the bird was very amenable to me, so he was amused. Shortly thereafter I caused a large crowd of people to begin dancing and music, and helped myself to dancing with his daughter, a local princess. Several other of my decision have been similarly erratic, but those stand out in my memory the most!

Seriously folks! I cannot make this stuff up. Do we think this is a joke? I can't decide. Either this guy has had some bizarre and incredible stories that I cannot begin to imagine or he is totally yanking my chain. I haven't questioned him back yet. My guess is he's probably from India or England and I am completely lost on his humor. The military sending him to Persia?! Has to be from abroad. So far I haven't found any keepers but I have found a ton of laughs.

(If your bored, what would be your answer to one of my questions?)

On Auntie B's Birthday

The Previously Mentioned Cackling

19 Months

Goose,

We took a lovely one night trip out to Fire Island. Uncle Mike was being a priest for a week and got a 6 bedroom house in return. Of course, we missed the first ferry to Saltaire but you could have cared less. You loved watching the water and being the center of attention between Auntie B and I. Once on the ferry, a thin mist of sea spray would fly into your face sending you into peels of laughter. The house smelled like salt water, suntan lotion, damp curtains, and sand with a wide open floor plan. You ran circles around the house with Pup and Uncle Mike's whippets (Millie and Odette) chasing after you. I tried to introduce you to jigsaw puzzles. They were my favorite pastime. You would slide a piece off the table and place it carefully

on top of a part the we had already completed. You were so gentle.

It was amazing being out there; no cars, no tv, no internet, no distractions. It was peaceful. I think we should all do it every year. You are forced to ride bikes, play in the ocean, complete jigsaw puzzles, and read books. To live in a simpler time. It was the first time you went in the ocean. The smooth sand between your toes thrilled you. Gammy held you and let the waves take your feet out from under you. It was pretty cold out and we just planned to say on the beach but by the time we were going back to the house, you were covered in sand and salt water. We would have stayed for longer but Auntie B got bit by some crazy beast of a bug and swelled up twice her normal size. She wanted to leave the island IMMEDIATELY. Next year, I promise, we'll have a beach getaway for more then one night, bugs be damed.

Pup and you have grown very close. I often find you both, thick as thieves, by the back gate digging holes together planning your escape. You chase each other around, first you chasing Pup then the reverse. Your closeness reached epic proportions when Pup decided to jump into your bath creating utter chaos. He tries to do it every night now. When we go for walks you need to have Pup in your eyesight or else you get upset. When we get home after a long day trip, you find him and give him this awkward hug that looks like you are trying to carry him away. It took a month and you're inseparable. (Notice Wyatt is wearing different shirts in these two pictures. This crate sharing is a daily occurrence. Weird but endearing all at the same time.)

In other milestones, you started stringing two words together. It started when you and I were in the car waiting at a train crossing. We were waving bye-bye to the choo-choo and there you were in the back seat waving, saying 'bye bye choo choo' like you have done it all your life. I was astonished and called about 12 people before we even got home, ticket be damned. Another catch phase is 'daawnn peas' which is 'down please' in English. Yes, you say please and thank you (tank ewe, roughly). The most polite toddler ever. Another new one is 'ut ooo, mom'. You will be playing nicely and I'll hear a crash then your soprano "Utt oooooo" then the patter of your feet to find me. Sometimes its 'Utt ooo, what hap?' Like you have no idea how the grapes started rolling all over the floor which Pup is methodically eating. Or how your juice spilled on the carpet. You will probably never know how these things happen.

I know I always get really sappy when I write these letters and I'm sorry. I can't seem to help myself. I still, after 19 months, have never found a way to show you how much I love you. There is no quantitative measure, that is how much. You are just so charming, and gorgeous, and loving, and have this light that seems to radiate out of you. I am so proud of you, already, and proud that I had something to do with how amazing you are. I am quite convinced you are the best part of me. You are so much of my happiness and joy. I hope that I am some of yours too.

I love you everyday.

Mom

Bacteria? What Bacteria?

Updates:

The lizard exists people!!! Evidently, some guy was moving and the three foot beast escaped. He tried to catch it but couldn't and then had to leave. So now, we have this creepy man eating lizard that is slowly starving and beginning to hunt our children, cats, and new puppies. My dad had a run in on Sunday when he was cutting the grass. He looked up and there is this lizard sunning itself on our neighbors roof. There has been an all out rescue effort with nets and fire department trucks but they have yet to catch it. My thought is since it has turned to autumn early it probably won't survive much longer. Too cold. At least that is what I tell myself so I can sleep and let my baby play in the backyard.

Also, after much encouragement, I have signed up for eHarmony. I was very hesitant and for the most part still pretty untrusting but its worth a shot. The way I justified it was if I get one nice date a month it pays for itself. So far it has been mildly disappointing. No one has really been jumping out at me. But I am willing to try at least for the month that I subscribed for. It is kind of an intense process. There are all these questions that you have to answer before they will let you have any open communication. So, I'm not up to that stage yet. And for those of you wondering, I am keeping Wyatt a secret until I meet them in person. I don't want to attract any creepers but I also don't want to keep him a secret so I have decided that first date is probably appropriate. I am sure there will be many posts to come about this new venture.

Another poll to the masses: Wyatt and I have a membership at the local Y and I can't seem to decide which, if any, class I should sign us up for. Our options are a mommy and me class that we did last time and he adored it. It was for 16-24 month olds and it was like a huge play group. He really did enjoy it. Or another swim lesson, which he also liked but I think that might be better for the winter. I love being able to go swimming when you can't outside. Or there is this new music appreciation class which seems like they play instruments, sing songs, dance, that kind of thing. Or should we skip this session entirely because this new swine flu information is kind of daunting and he already has a cold. I am leaning toward music class because I would love to get Wyatt into the arts as soon as possible. But the germys have got me kind of freaked. Its a toss up.