I have been feeling very underwater lately, foggy, like there is this haze in front of my eyes. I have been thinking too much. I find my mind wandering from what I am doing. I'll be down the beach playing with Wyatt and then just zone out for a few minutes staring at the water. Sometimes I think its a result of be being tired. I play out these imaginary scenes in my head with grand gestures, with people breaking out into song and dance, with flowers and romance, with fairy tale endings. I know full well that these imaginations will never happen but I let them play out. Like watching scenes from a movie. It sounds weird now that I write it out but thats just how my mind figures things out.
I wish my life could have a soundtrack where music would start playing at key moments in every situation. I wish I always had the right words to say. That everything I phrased would come out perfectly well intentioned, intelligent, and universally understood. I wish I could live in a string of Hallmark moments. I have a tendency to want everything to be perfect. Maybe everyone does. I dream about trips to Disneyland with a mom, a dad, and a baby. I want a perfect family unit for myself and Wyatt. I feel like we both deserve that. Most of all I feel like Wyatt deserves that. I feel like I somehow failed him because I can't provide that nuclear family. I know he doesn't know the difference right now. But some day he will. And I might still not be ready when he figures it out.
I really want everything to work out. And most of the time, I have hope that it will. But being a single mom, I am often reminded that not everything is perfect. And sometimes it is hard to find the silver lining. To remember that I'm not alone. To remember that I am not overwhelmed. To remember to have hope for the future. To remember that I am desirable. To remember that I am successful. To remember that just because its not perfect right now doesn't mean it won't be in the future. I am just having a moment, a hard week. It will pass.
1 comment:
Kate, I've spent alot of time searching for perfect and as far as I'm concered it doesn't exist, or it's fleeting at best.
Instead of focusing on what you haven't given Wyatt focus instead on what you have. You have done an amazing job of raising him and we all benefit from the joy he brings us. Its a testament to your dedication to him. Pat yourself on the back instead of beating yourself up for things that are out of your control. You may not have the perfect your thinking of but I have no doubt this will have a happy ending.
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