Past Tense

I started writing a lot when I was in South Carolina, trying to document my time and experiences down there. Anyway, I recently found something that I wrote on October 19, 2006. I always had in my mind that I have traveled so far. But maybe I haven't traveled as far as I think I have...

I have been thinking a lot about babies. I would never be thinking about babies if I was in NYC, NEVER!!! Life in New York is to exciting for kids. There is too much to do in NY to even consider kids. And the subway with strollers, forget it. However, down here it would be possible. The cost of living is lower, people are happier, you have neighbors that care about you, there are cars and kids are accepted in fancy restaurants. Everyone has kids here and now I have babies on the brain. Stupid, I know, but I can't seem to shake it.

Everyday I meet people with babies. A girl that just applied, she is 24, my age, and her birthday is in March. She has 5 kids. Yes that is right, her kids are 7, 5, 4, 2, and 8 ½ months. Half of me wants to dive into a descriptive lecture about birth control and the other half wants to pat her on the back. At least they are all from the same father. The kicker is that she only makes about $19,000 a year. That is insanity and yet she is well adjusted, loves her kids, feeds them, clothes them, and takes them to the movies. I have met them all and they are good kids, well adjusted, respectful. They say ‘sir’ and ‘ma’am’. They call me ‘ma’am’ although I don’t think I am old enough to qualify. Maybe 5 is a little excessive but if she can deal with 5, I can certainly handle one. I am a responsible person. I would always put my child first and me second. With my family to baby-sit when needed, I could be a parent. My list goes on and on…

My girl Bridget has a 14 and 16 year old. The 16 year old just had a baby about a year ago. She is off in New York living with the daddy and Bridget is a grandma at 35. Another homeowner that is making record progress through the program moved to SC from New York with her 2 year old, a suitcase, and a welfare check. She didn’t know how to drive, had no car, no family, nothing but the clothes on her back and her baby. She rented a car and learned to drive from a crippled man. She has been in SC since 1999 and now at 31 she has a job, a family, a life, and is getting a house. I hear some pretty messed up stories. I could write a book about the courageous and malicious people that I encounter everyday. Their stories are heartbreaking and incredible. It makes me think what is really important to me, in my life. What do I want during my life?

Homeowners ask me all the time if I have children. When I tell them no they ask me why not and scrunch up their faces in disbelief. Why not? Because I was raised to value education and children would come later and preferable with a husband. I don’t want to be a parent later on in life like I once thought. I don’t want to be tired. I don’t want to miss out on the good parts of my child’s life because I was 40 and tired. Maybe our parents and grandparents got it right. Maybe we should have kids younger so we can enjoy them. I want to remember every part and I want to be young enough to still remember being a teenager. I want my parents to be able to enjoy grandchildren. My grandparents are still young, they could be grandparents again. I want my family to be young enough to enjoy having children around again. Maybe I am being selfish, I don’t know.

I know that most of my friends from New York probably think I am going crazy and you might be right. When I was in NY I didn’t even know if I wanted children. Maybe I thought I might have one at 35-40 but now my thinking has gone all wacky. It is funny what latitude can do to you. I am not going to start pin holing condoms or stop my birth control. I am not that crazy. But think about it, if you were to die tomorrow what would be your biggest regret be? Mine, that I never had a child. It wouldn’t be about money, success, or fame, not for me. It’s all about the babies.