I know it is normal to have anxiety but lately there has been a lot of it. I chalk most of it up to first time parent jitters but I distinctly feel that I am over thinking. Honestly, I don't even know if its anxiety or a nervous anticipation. Wait, is that the same thing?
Recently, most of my anxiety lies with the first few days at home. Will I know how to soothe, comfort, and calm a crying baby? Or will I panic, throw my hands up, run out of the room, and hand him to my mom. I'd like to think that I wouldn't do that but I don't know. Will I know how to hold him? Will I understand why he is crying? How to change a diaper? Will I know when he is sick or cold or uncomfortable? How do I place him in his crib to avoid all those weird crib phobias? Will I know how to feed him or how much I am feeding him? I could hyperventilate every day if I thought about it too much. I try not to let myself think about it but usually, in the middle of the night when I'm alone, I can't help it.
I wonder if after 9 months of waiting, preparing, visualizing, and loving this unborn child that I will feel relief to have him in this world. Relief to have my body back or will I panic that he is no longer a part of me? That he is susceptible to the outside world and its occasional ugliness. Or will I get that "What comes next?" attitude. The "OK, now what" syndrome. Or will I be so totally engrossed that my absent mindedness will continue and my only thoughts still focused on him.
Most of all, I want to see him. I want to see who he looks like and takes after. If he does indeed have my nose and Terry's mouth. I want to cradle him in my arms. I want to smell that baby goodness of powder and innocence. To touch his soft delicate skin. Feel his warmth on my chest and a sweaty cheek on my neck. I want to rub the top of his head and play with peach fuzz. I want to see Terry hold him and watch his anxiety melt at the recognition of his son. I want to count his fingers and kiss the bottom of his feet. I am so anxious to see him I could burst.
I think nervous anticipation is the right term. I am nervous about all the things that I don't have experience with. Nervous about the details. But the anticipation of seeing our little man far out weighs my nervousness. I can't believe I have 54 more days of waiting, not that I am counting or anything....
2 comments:
You probably don't realize what a good mom your are already. You've taken such good care of bean already and now all the fears your having are fears that loving moms have because they want to protect and care for their little miracle.
Bean is going to make your heart burst with more love than you could ever have imagined possible. What a ride its going to be! xxoo
It's so normal for you to have all those anxious thoughts. I can still remember when I brought Michael home from the hospital and I realized it was not like babysitting... this was the real thing for the long haul. Most of it just falls into place you learn his cry, patterns emerge daily and weekly. I remember seeking out anyone with a baby the same age or a little older to ask advice or compare notes, it's all a wonderful learning experience, It's normal to worry, but the love and excitment of having your own baby takes over and you will know him and he will know you always.Prepare for surprises and anticipate the miracle of finally holding this wonderful boy inside you! It's the loveliest...... pleasant dreams, Kate love, Auntie De
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