Birthday Introspective

Dear Kate,

You turned 10,220 days old on the 19th.  Which seems like a very large, assuming number to be alive on this planet.  There is a lot of things you can do with 10,000+ days.  But it has come and past.  And you're still alive, still breathing, still loving life.  See?  It wasn't that scary.  So, what do you have to say for yourself?

First thing is you don't feel 28.  You just don't.  The minute you popped out that gorgeous baby, time has stood still and you began counting your life in Wyatt years rather then Kate years.  Each year that number gets higher and higher and you still feel like 25.  The only thing that whips you out of this senility is when you have to tell someone that Wyatt is 2 and a half.  Then you have to shake your head saying, "Wait a minute." Then begin counting on your fingers how old you actually might be.  I can only imagine that it is going to get worse; getting to a point where you look at your old self in the mirror asking "who the hell is that?"

I think you should be proud of yourself.  Even though, right now while your writing this letter to your older then 28 self, you don't feel very proud.  You feel that the overall outcome of those 10,000+ days doesn't amount to much.  That you still feel unfinished as a person.  And unaccomplished in your career. And very isolated and incapable in your love life.  That the light of your potential has dimmed somewhat.  That your drive, creativity, and passion has been dulled and tarnished.  That maybe you will never stop asking "what if" before jumping.

But I want you to focus not on the total sum of those 10,000+ days but rather today.  Right now.  Presently and when you read this to your older then 28 self.  How do you feel?  Everyday?

You are happy.  Period.  So, does the sum really matter?  Doesn't the happy cancel everything else out?

You wake up every morning to this angelic face saying good morning and laughing together.  Laughing before the covers have been thrown off.  Laughter instead of alarm clocks.  You have the financial savvy and the support of your parents to ALLOW you to spend time with that angel EVERYDAY.  If you want to lounge in your PJ's and he wants to run around naked all day, you can.  You get to dance and play and sing, everyday.  You get to go to the beach and watch him sit clothed in the salt water.  He says "I love you, Momma" before he falls asleep. You get to watch, participate in, and live unrestrained joy everyday.

You have parents who have shown you what true love is.  That have taught you commitment, compassion, teamwork, and sacrifice.  That taught you to take pride in yourself and your work.  Parents that love, adore, and dote on your child everyday.  That have ingrained in you to care for your loved ones no matter what.  That have given you the strength to love others with all of yourself because it does take strength. You have family that would give you their last shirt off their backs and vice versa.  A family that laughs together and takes vacations together.  A family that likes to be around each other.  Do you understand how rare that is?  You have sisters that, although you are seemingly not very close, would do anything for you and you for them.  You adore them and your life is more complete because they are in it.

You have a home.  A real home.  It might not be a house to call your own but its a home.  Filled with love and familiarity.  Filled with generations of friends that don't knock on the door and help themselves out of your chock full cabinets.  Filled with amazing memories, traditions, and every comfort you could ask for.  And people to come home to! And dinners where everyone helps to prepare a meal where you share a table.  Best of all, and a little gluttonous, you can do chores when you feel like it!

You have friends, oh God, do you have some damn good friends.  Friends that have been there for you since you were 3 and friends that you have just met and friends in between.  Friends that make Wyatt ask "Why are you laughing so much?" when your on the phone.  That inspire you.  That pick you up when your down and know the exact things to say.  Friends that you, literally, could not live without.

You have a dog, that's.....well.....um.....cute.

The point is, I know you are going to have times in your life, whether 28, 35, or 76, that you are going to feel doubtful.  Thats when I want you to drag out this letter and remind yourself that is isn't the sum total of your days that make you successful.  It isn't the checklist of life; the house, kids, marriage, career.  Its your everyday.  The everyday that make up the moments you will remember for your whole life.  The memories that fill up your days at 102 wishing that you had told yourself at 28 to take the time to burn those happy moments into your memory.  I am telling you to slow down.  To breathe.  Calm your life down.  And remember that you are happy, everyday.  That is the only thing that really matters.

Love, Kate
Ps. Thats a picture of you, at 3 months old.  You can accomplish A LOT in 10,000+ days.