N/R to the Unknown

My metrocard is empty.  I have been holding on to my metrocard, stored in my wallet, for a very long time.  When I would go into NYC, I would always add $10 to the card so that I wouldn't have to throw it out, regardless of the previous amount.  I think I have had that same card since I left for South Carolina.  It was my feeble attempt to remain connected to the city that I once called home.  I was comforting to me to open my wallet and see the yellow, black, and blue; a solid reminder of my former life.  A reminder that my life in the city did exist because sometimes it feels so far removed that it might as well be a dream.  I swiped it at the turnstile, hearing the telltale extra beep, and drew in a deep breath.  As I walked upstairs to the platform holding the card in my hand, I debated to throw it out or not.  I threw it out.

Even after I moved out of the city, friends would still call me for subway and bus directions because I knew the maps so well.  I knew where to transfer, where to catch express buses and which entrances would be open late night.  More than that, I knew where to find grocery stores, good bars or restaurants and where specific stores where located.  I called Hayley for the directions to the restaurant we were meeting at and I actually had to write it down. Houston/Thompson.  I couldn't visualize where that was.  I didn't know how to get there.  Even getting there for me was a challenge.  I had to look at several maps and kept on watching the subway stations pass as I made my way to the restaurant.  

Once in the city, I found different stores where familiar ones used to be.  It was a whole new terrain but with that same gut feeling of possibility, adventure, and comfort.  My gait was a little slower; commuters flying past me.  My missing Ipod making me feel naked.  Hell, I didn't carry a bag at all knowing that Hayley would have one.  Every stitch of clothing that I had on was Rebeccas because none of mine felt appropriate.  I never considered myself a trendy person (I can hear my friends laughing for miles just for putting Kate and Trendy in the same sentence).  I never went to the popular clubs, or expensive restaurants, or bought that fabulous bag.  But I knew the names; knew what styles were in and what styles were crazy Brooklyn hipsters; knew the hit shows on Broadway.  This time I just felt lost; like I didn't know where to look.  I felt like I was moving in slow motion while everyone around me was moving at full speed.  I felt totally out of place in the city that taught me how to dream, how to live, how to love.

I had an amazing night.  Hayley showed me a great time catching a concert at a recently opened venue that smelled like wood and looked like something out of a magazine.  Then there was the bar hopping, too much drinking, and dancing like limbless elephants (I speak for myself obviously Hayley was more graceful).   It was an ordinary night for my college years but something spectacular for me now.  I don't feel all that different but on nights like these I can't help but reflect how far removed I feel from my past life.  I loved living in the city and wouldn't trade those 5 years for anything.  I love getting the chance to relive them every once and a while.  I think about moving Wy and I into the city sometimes but I want him to have a backyard and a mom that doesn't have to work all the time to pay steep rents.   Although I love city nights it is far more satisfying for me to stay home, singing the "Isty Bitsy Spider" on repeat, with a smiling Wyatt on my lap.  I wonder if I could ever weld my experiences together to form something entirely new.  Am I doing that already?

In the cab on the way home I texted myself - "Like a sheep in wolves clothing, I have shed my skin."  Clearly, in my liquored state I thought this was a very important revelation but when I read it the next morning in Rebecca's apartment with Wyatt on my lap I had no idea what it meant.  Thoughts?