The Apple of My Eye

I've been feeling very stagnant lately.  My days flow in and out of each other, barely distinguishable.  I play with Wyatt, work, cook, walk, naptime, bedtime, bathtime, clothing, potty, park, library, store; lather, rinse, repeat. I get stuck in routine. Wake up at 8, to bed at 11.  Its not that I am not motivated, I'm motivated for Wyatt's well being and lifestyle but not my own. I take Wyatt on field trips, walks to the beach, play dates, but I won't do the same for myself.  I enjoy putting Wyatt to bed every night.  Telling him fairytale stories while adding details that he gives me.  Feeling him roll into me, his body relaxing, listening to his breath deepen.  Its the one time that I get to have my baby back.  Putting him to sleep usually puts me to sleep.  I am content to cuddle in for the night.  Terry tries to comes home every other weekend.  We play family.  I like to think that its good for Wyatt to see his parents happy and laughing together.  I trick myself into thinking that its enough for me.  It quenches my desire to have an intact family.  Just when I get motivated to change my habits, I get another dose and the storm passes.  I become torn between my needs as a single woman and my commitment, love, and awe inspiring devotion to be there for my son every second.  I know it is important for me to have time for myself.  And I do make time but its hard not to feel guilty for taking that time away from Wyatt.  (Yes, I know I could go out while he is sleeping.  But I hate feeling groggy and hungover for him the next day.  That's not fair either.)

I have been scolding myself.  Stop falling into the routine.  Stop being complacent.  Ignite your dreams.  Stop talking and start doing.  You're young.  Sleep is for babies.  Be a little more adventurous.  I asked Jen to be my guardian.  Forcing me to go out and be social if she catches me staying in too often.   I decided that if I can't bare to part with him, I would make adventures for the both of us.  I took him into the city with me last week.  I met a old college friend that I haven't seen in about 2 years.  We met in Central Park at a playground.  While Wyatt enjoyed his new surroundings and other toddlers, I conversed like a grown up with Pawel.  We sat at the Mall eating hot dogs with Wyatt making us laugh.  I took Pawel on the carousel for the first time.  Wyatt sat on Pawel's shoulders for a better view of the packed seal exhibit at the Zoo.  Wyatt loved the bustling of the streets and the TRUCKS.  OH. MY. GOD. THE. TRUCKS!!

We traveled to our old stomping ground letting my past and present life collide.  Wyatt ran around on the grass at Fordham while we filled each other in on the last 2 years.  I was reminded of the time I ran around on the grass playing Helena in an impromptu reading of Midsummer for Shakespeare on the Plaza.  We met up with Rebecca and walked to happy hour with seating outside in the sun.  I was nervous about bringing Wyatt but he promptly pasted out in his stroller.  He slept through my 2 beers.  Other friends met up.  Hayley after work and RJ after a reading of a play downtown.  We went from a table of 4 to a table of 10 while Wyatt slept.  It was so refreshing, so enlightening.  I can do this.  Wyatt is amazing.  He adapts.  I can actually have my cake and eat it too.  He sat on my lap adjusting to the new atmosphere then sat on a chair by Rebecca wearing sunglasses and eating chips.  Then he took a walk with Hayley to see the fountain.  We parted with everyone around 8 and walked 20 blocks to the car while I told Wyatt stories about my life in the city.  Only receiving a few odd looks.  When we got home, with ice cream, Wyatt and I couldn't stop talking about our trip.  Now that the weather is getting nicer I am making EXTREME efforts to get into the city with Wyatt at least once a month.  There is no reason not to.

Just to show myself up, that weekend I packed Wyatt up to visit Kelly in CT for a night.  Because, you know, why not?!  We went to KidCity this utterly amazing indoor play extravaganza and museum.  Wyatt could have stayed there for days, no weeks. He was hysterical running from room to room.  He made himself at home in Kelly's house.  Commanding the TV and promptly spewing toys in every direction.  Kelly had her bikes hanging from the ceiling in the garage and Wyatt thought this was "silly. Very silly."  He got a heinous bloody nose, for no apparent reason, that he refused to let me hold with a towel.  Blood dripped on his shirt and down his face.  Thankfully I managed to corral him out of the carpeted rooms.  There was an EMT, a cop, and a fireman.  We were safe.  I felt safe.  The next day Wyatt asked to go home.  So we did.  Just in time for Elizabeth's 5th Birthday party at the firehouse and the Wee-oh Wee-oh trucks.  OH. MY. GOD. THE. TRUCKS!!

I am dreaming up more big adventures for ourselves.  Maybe when Wyatt is 5 or 6 or 7 and can understand the adventure we'll go to Australia for a month.  Maybe we'll do a trip every year for a month.  Start off small, English speaking.  Then go to Thailand, China, Russia, Egypt as he gets older.  We can learn together.  How amazing that would be?!  He would be the most well-traveled kid in school.  And I would get to live out one of my dreams.  Maybe for now, I'll start small.  Just carve out a night for myself once a week.  Stop being complacent.  Ignite your dreams.  Dream big.