Bessie and Clara Bell

If the first hurdle of motherhood was having a non-medicated vaginal birth and second was breast feeding. It has been quite a learning experience for both of us. Everyone told me that the first week is the hardest; it gets easier, and stick with it. Well, it has been almost 11 days and it is still pretty tricky. However, it is oddly comforting for me. A feeling I never imagined or expected.

My milk came in the day after we came home from the hospital. I woke up with my boobs heavy like bowling balls. We sat down in our glider chair ready to try this whole milk thing out. My boob started dripping all over the place. We got into position and he gently put his hand up to me and a stream of milk shot him in the face. Seriously. There was milk everywhere. All down my shirt, in his face, all folded in his neck, everywhere. That is pretty much our routine although I am getting better at not getting it all over myself. Wyatt, not so much, he is a mess every time. I am proud of us though. He is catching on like a pro, I haven't given him any formula, and at his last dr's appointment he was almost 9 lbs. Thriving.

I am still getting used to whipping them out in public. Well, not public, but around my family, Terry, and his family. Most of the time I don't mind. I am feeding my son, sustaining a life. There is nothing embarrassing about that but sometimes it's slightly awkward. For the most part though, I really enjoy breast feeding. It is 20 minutes every 2 hours that I get to spend with my son, uninterrupted bonding time. I sing to him, talk to him, sometimes just sit and stare. Even at 3 in the morning I enjoy it, despite sore nipples, leaky breasts, and 25 lbs in my bra. I think we will stick with it. Its got to get easier.

Snoozer

When we were at the hospital, Wyatt did this cooing whenever he was content. It was almost like he was singing. I said that it was all the music and singing that I listened to when I was pregnant. Turns out he was just snoring. Rebecca caught this on video.

My Monkey Boy

I was totally unprepared to have a child. Physically, my belly grew and my body changed. I dreamt and envisioned, with growing anticipation, our new arrival. I washed clothes, decorated our room down to the tiniest details, and built furniture. I stocked up on diapers, wash cloths, and baby shampoo. But I was still so very unprepared. Emotionally, I don't think I could have ever prepared how amazing this would be.

Having him with me hit me like a ton of bricks. Everyone always told me of the undying affection and instant bond but I guess I didn't believe them. I thought that, like all my relationships, we would need time to bond and grow. Time to get to know one another. I thought it would take a while. Yes, I am still learning his quirks and his patterns. But I already feel this instant connection. I hate to be so sappy but I yearn for him when he is not with me. I want to be with him all the time. I want to hold him and just stare. He doesn't even do anything yet and I am enraptured. When I was in the hospital they would take him away at night in his plastic box and I would feel lonely. That after 9 months of holding him in my belly, I feel incomplete without him.

I really hate to be so sentimental (I blame the hormones). I never liked kids. When someone would throw a baby in my arms, I would flinch and become so very awkward. I avoided kids under five where ever I went. I never thought that I would become such a natural at holding a baby in my arms. That I could walk around all day with him in my arms. Even at three in the morning when I am exhausted and he is crying, I love every minute. I am so immeasurably happy.

Now Introducing....

Mr. Wyatt Charles

I am proud to introduce our lovely Bean, aka Wyatt Charles!! I thought that once I saw him that a name would jump out at me. It took me a little longer than I expected but on the last day in the hospital I filled out the paperwork. I know that he is still a baby but when he opens his beautiful blue eyes and looks around to take in the world, he wrinkles his little brow and looks so stoic and serious. Wyatt means 'Little Warrior' fitting considering his father is in the military. At my baby shower, Michael made reference to me being a female warrior while talking about our birthing beads (which were in the delivery room). In the delivery room, my mom kept on telling me I was a warrior. It really helped me to stay focused and concentrate on the task before me. He truly is our little warrior. Of course, he gets the Charles after my Dad who has always been supportive and a truly amazing father to me. Not to mention, provided us with a room with a view to call our own.

I am so immensely in love with this little child. I never imagined that I could love someone so strongly the moment I saw him. It is like my entire world stopped and now I feel lonely when he is not in the room. It is the singular most amazing feeling I have ever experienced. I will do anything for this little man. I promise to post more, as soon as I get more then two hours of sleep and am in between a feeding. This picture on the right was taken about 4 hours after he was born. Such a face on this one!!!

He's Here!

Hey everyone, it's Aunt Rebecca. Yesterday morning at 10:23 Mr. Bean finally made his arrival. He is 8.5 lbs and 19 inches. Kate still isn't sure about a name. He has blonde hair and huge blue eyes. He has the cutest chubby cheeks and perfect little angel lips. We think he looks just like Terry, but every once and a while all I can see is Kate. I know my opinion is biased, but I've honestly never seen such a beautiful little baby boy. He makes the sweetest purring/cooing noise when he sleeps and hardly cries.

Kate went into labor around 7 Saturday morning. By 8:45 we were on our way to the hospital. Her contractions came so fast that they were not even a minute apart. Halfway to the hospital Kate started feeling like she wanted to push, which scared us all to shit. We finally got to the hospital and she was already 9 centimeters dilated. She had to wait for her doctor to arrive for 15-20 minutes and as soon as she walked into the room Kate started to push. 40 minutes after arriving at the hospital, our sweet little bean was out. Kate was so amazing and brave. She never complained and except for a few FUCK ME's she stayed focused. I've never been so proud and in awe of my big sister. Her strength and serenity throughout the labor and entire pregnancy is so inspiring. Lizzy, as Kate's coach, had more courage then I could muster up. She was calm and helped Kate with her breathing the whole time. Except for a little incident where smelling salts were required, Lizzy showed much more maturity than anyone expected. To say she rose to the occasion would be an understatement.

I can't wait to get back to the hospital to see mom and baby. Both are doing wonderful. Mr. Bean is getting the big snip today so wish him well... Here are some pictures so that everyone can ohhh and ahhhh over our perfect bundle of joy.

Only a few minutes old!!

Beautiful Bean

The Big Day!

To my sweet Bean,

I have been waiting to meet you for 9 long months but sometimes it feels like I have been waiting my whole life. As soon as I knew that you were nestled safe inside me, I knew I needed you in my life. You have already brought so much immeasurable happiness, joy, and kindness into my world. And now the next time I cross this threshold, into our home, it will be with you in my arms with a lifetime in front of us.

I can't promise you that I will be a good mom. I can't promise that I will be able make everything better. I hope that I can keep you safe, secure, and happy for your whole life. I might not be your favorite parent and we will have our disagreements but always know that I am doing the best that I can. Because I would never put you or your needs second. I am learning just like you, so be patient with me. What I can promise is that I will always be there for you. I will wipe your tears, stand up for you in any fight, sew on patches to all you tear, and catch you when you fall. I will always been your number one fan and will love you unconditionally no matter what you do or who you are. Simply because you are the joy in my heart. Out of all the other miracles in this world, you are the one that is mine.

This is your beginning. Sure, Terry and I will play our parts but this is your story. I hope that I can make it easier for you. That I can aid you in your journey through this troubled world. Today is the day I have been waiting for. The day my miracle arrives.

I love you everyday.
Your Momma

Induce?!

So, here's the update. Once again everything is looking fabulous. My blood pressure is fine, bean's heartbeat is nice and steady, still dilated, and still pregnant. Dr. Diaz says that I have been taking such good care of Mr. Bean that he doesn't want to come out. Evidently, the Drs go by my original due date which was Feb. 4th. The 10th was a date they gave me after having a sonogram and seeing the baby's growth progress. Which I guess is more of an estimation of when bean will be born. Long story short, I'm overdue and she wants to induce early next week.

I have very mixed feelings about being induced. I definitely want him out. Obviously, I trust my doctor to make the best choices for our health. If she says that I have to get induced for the health of the baby, of course. No questions asked. However, I have been so adamant about no unnecessary drugs, vitamins, drinks, toxins whatsoever for my entire pregnancy. I don't like the thought of introducing drugs into my system that will make my body go into labor. It is suppose to be natural. If I was two weeks past my due date I could understand the health concern but only a week, I am not so convinced. I also read an article about pitocin (the labor drug) being linked to autism. I don't know how true that is because I believe they are trying to link anything to autism simply to have an answer to autism's scary questions. But why take chances?

I think what I need now are old wives tales. I want to try out every labor inducing story I can get my hands on. You think its pineapple, Chinese food, Buckram burgers, spicy red peppers, whatever; I will eat it all day long. Walks around the block, long car rides down bumpy roads, lunges, pressure points, sex (well, that one might pose some problems). I kid you not I will try anything. I called an acupuncturist this morning. I am determined to have this guy as naturally as possible. So, what are your labor inducing stories?

Patience Please

Patience, my ass!!!! Everyone is telling me to be patient. Telling me don't worry, he will come when he is ready. Blah, blah, blah. I want to reach up there and pull him out myself. This is ridiculous. I am suffocating and drowning in being patient and I am sick of it. I am so close to sitting on the couch every night and crying because I am not in labor. This is my bonafide hissy fit. I am stamping my feet and screaming like a Neanderthal toddler. Whine, whine, whine.

Everyone keeps asking me every five seconds how am I feeling. Yes, I am touched by the compassion and genuine concern. Honestly, I feel fine. Bean and I are in a fight I feel so perfectly fine. I don't want to feel fine anymore. Bring on the labor pains!! I want to be screaming, legs in stirrups damn it! Out of all people, I want him out more than anyone else. (I bet you can hear me whining in California). If I had even remotely an ounce of control over the situation he would have been born already. Let me repeat, I HAVE NO CONTROL!! There is nothing I can do but sit back and wait. Trust me, no matter how annoying this is to everyone else times it by twelve and that is how I feel. This child is unborn and already driving me crazy. Just like a man.

Sorry for the rant but honestly, I feel like I am being driven slowly insane. I feel like that scene from the Breakfast Club, in detention on Saturday, looking at the clock twice every minute, bored to tears, the second hand moving torturously slow. I am doing nothing, waiting to go into labor. I got really excited on Monday because I was having a lot of contractions. One every 15 minutes for about 3 hours. And then they just stopped. Blast. I was so upset. I kept waiting for them to get stronger and closer together but they didn't. My biggest fear is I am going to be one of those women who don't know they are giving birth until the baby is in their pants. Well, I've got a doctors appointment today. So, we shall see what she says...

Yeah for February!!!

I made it to February!!! I am so proud of myself. I really wanted to make it to February, now I can finally relax, sit back, and wait for this little miracle of mine. I am getting to the point of being obscenely pregnant where even strangers are concerned for my safety. I feel like a ticking time bomb, at any point I could explode. I was having anxiety about the hospital and the birth but now I want him out. I want my body back and a baby in my arms. We just have to wait.

I went to the doctors on Wednesday and she confirmed the any day theory. I am two centimeters dilated and almost completely effaced. She doesn't think that I will make it to my next appointment on the 6th. But I have heard of people walking around for weeks dilated. So, again it's a waiting game. I also had another sonogram done to give us a final check of the baby, placenta, and umbilical cord placement. Everything looks great. However, unfortunately for me, they gave a weight estimate. 7lbs 10oz. He is a little heifer boy!! I can't believe someone that is almost 8lbs is living inside me. That will be the quickest weight loss program ever! Will keep everyone posted. Tick Tock, Tick Tock...

News from the Front

This is an older email from Terry but people have been asking what he is up to and this one gived the run down. He officially moved south this week and should be home around Valentines day. They keep on moving his dates around but knowing that he is coming home soon is comforting. It is stressful knowing that he has moved so close to Bean's arrival but I am trying to have some faith. Everything has worked out pretty well so far and I pray that it will continue. Keep him in your thoughts.

The real reason for my writing you all is to let you know that I will be moving shortly to a city located a couple of hours south from where I’m currently living. I’m being reassigned to a lead a small team flying. To be honest I’m not all that thrilled about it. I’m the only one leaving my location, I’m losing all my soldiers that I have been in charge for the last 8 months, and I’m going to work with a bunch of new soldiers most of whom just arrived in country. My commander called me into his office and told me that he felt I would be the best person to do it because I will protect our guys from being abused by the new unit which we are now being assigned to. He explained that I will take a small group from our company, soldiers that are from another location in my buddies platoon, and head down. The captain did tell me that this is a good thing, he trusts that I will do what needs to get done, but I’m still not thrilled to have to pack up all my things and leave my guys. He told me I was doing a good job, and that everyone has been noting how mellow and calm I have become in the last few weeks. Other officers have mentioned that to me in the past few days. But I think I the reason I have been pretty chill lately is because everything is working, I can’t explain it, but usually when I start a project I’m kind of a hard ass, not because I want to be, but because in the army you have establish yourself as a person that will not be stepped on. Soldiers will walk all over you if you don’t keep them in line. I’m just frustrated that now when the mission planning is going smooth, flying not to bad, I know the area well and now I have to go somewhere completely new, with new soldiers and start again.

There are both positive and negatives to the situation. The living conditions will be nicer, brick buildings with a bathroom, but I think that’s because there are frequent mortar attacks. The flying will not be as challenging, which I hate because I love the mountain flying, but I think there are more bad people down there, so that’s a little scary. And the final thing that sucks is although I’m in charge of my team, I’m not the overall OIC (officer in charge). The person that is just arrived here and although I have not yet met him, I have a great deal more experience. I’m just hoping this guy utilizes me and is not a tool bag. I’m just nervous about not flying as much now, you guys know me, I’m not one for sitting on the sidelines. So I’m not a happy camper, but I’m hoping it won’t be to bad. The place I’m going has multinational troops, I think the Italians, Brits, and Aussie’s will be there, so it could be cool.

Anywho, that’s about all I have. I will only have the internet for a few more days, then I’m going to disappear probably for a couple of weeks. No worries, I’ll try to figure out a way to communicate when I get set up down there. But I hope to have some access to the internet. Kate is doing well and is probably going to hatch the bean any day now, so that’s pretty crazy. I’ll keep you guys up to date. I’ll try writing again in two weeks when I start my journey back to the U.S for my vacation. Hope all is well, talk to you in a few weeks.

Get your Boxes Here

Forget Superbowl, if you want in on gambling boxes get them here!! My mom's florist is hosting bean's baby pool. But the boxes are running out and I think they might be closing it soon. Its $2 a box and you have to guess date and weight. It is up to about $120, the take home is big. So, if you want in let me know. Some cruel person (I won't mention names, cough, Jimmy) bought a box for Feb 29th and 10lbs 5 oz. That is cruel. Down right mean. Seriously, mean.

In other news, my friend Jessica had her baby Jan. 29th and her due date was Feb. 18th. (He is only about 45 minutes old in that picture!) A beautiful baby boy named Jack that looks just like Jessica with dark hair and pinchable cheeks. He is 6lbs 8oz, 19 inches, of adorable cuteness. I am so jealous of her speedy delivery. She was in the hospital for 40 minutes. Congratulations Jess and Happy Birthday Jack! I am so happy for you and your little boy. Little Bean has his first friend!!

Over to the Dark Side

I think about this sometimes so don't make fun. It is one of my dark and twisted thoughts that robs me of sleep. I highly doubt that it is going to happen but there is another person coming into this world that will be reliant on me and I can't help but wonder: What happens if I die?

I know its creepy and morbid but should I create a will? My parents don't have a will, shame on them. Should I? As you all know, Terry is in the military and his future plans can be anywhere in the world. Naturally, if something where to happen to me, Terry would become sole guardian. However, what happens if Terry is in Afghanistan or Iraq or God knows who else we will be fighting in years to come? His future is migratory and a harsh world for a child who needs stability. So, that still leaves little Bean. It bothers me. I know that maternal mortality is very low in the US but it still really bothers me. In all reality, I know that nothing bad is going to happen but I can't help but wonder.

I would want him to be raised in my house, where I intended to. By someone young, like I am. Someone not perfect without the luxury of testing parenting skills on other children. My thoughts turn to Rebecca. I mentioned this the other day. She started laughing. Mom was insulted. Now, I fully understand that my parents would financially help and that they would have Rebecca move home. The less change for Bean the better. Maybe it is mean of me to put all the responsibility of raising a child on Rebecca. To essentially nominate another single mom when it was a hard enough choice for myself. But I think that she would be the person most likely to raise my son the way that I would. Or at least close to the way that I intended. I always said that if I had a child, Rebecca would raise him anyway.

It is a weird feeling. I feel blessed to know I accomplished so much in my young life. That having Bean makes my life more complete, more finished somehow. That if I did die, I know that my life has had great meaning because of him. On the other hand, to miss out on truly getting to know Bean is heartbreaking. Heath Ledger made a comment when his daughter, Matilda, was born on WJW-TV that really hit home with me and is even more heartbreaking after his untimely passing. Your forced into, kind of, respecting yourself more. You learn more about yourself through your child, I guess. I think you also look at death differently. It's like a Catch-22: I feel good about dying now because I feel like I'm alive in her, you know, but at the same hand, you don't want to die because you want to be around for the rest of her life.

Things Your Mom Didn't Tell You - Part 3

Everyone keeps telling me that the father along I get the more complaints I will have but so far I am still doing pretty well. Knock on wood. However, there are still some weird things that I never anticipated...

Bleeding gums - I have always had a little pink toothbrush action in the morning but now you would think that I got punched in the face and ripped a tooth out. We are talking full out blood red all over my new sink every time I brush (and I have a soft toothbrush). I went to the dentist to see if she could calm it down a little bit. So, I'm sitting there getting poked, sucked, and sprayed at. She does half of my mouth and threw up her hands. Exclaiming "You are bleeding way to much. I can't finish. You have to come back another time." When does that ever happen? True to her word when I spit it was all blood. They promise me that it will abate some after birth. It better because after three visits to the dentist I am spent.

No one wants to talk about it, its embarrassing, but I am throwing it out there - constipation. Yes, that is right. I went there. Never in my life have I been so constipated!! They say it is because my whole digestive tract has slowed down to gain all the nutrition possible out of my food. Honestly, its not even funny. Its horrifying. I never understood why people took reading material into the bathroom. I was always a fly under the radar, snap your fingers and I'm done pooper. Now, I totally understand the reading material. Last Dr visit she put me on iron supplements which are notorious for causing constipation. I can't wait until that kicks in. Oh joy of joys. Maybe its my body way of preparing to push out the mother load that is a baby.

Grow a Friend

I feel like I have been very neglectful of my friends these past few months. I really do want to go into the city to visit everyone but I just don't seem to have the energy. I know that my body is not my own anymore and I should listen to it but having no energy is not a good enough excuse for me. In college, I never had energy but yet always mustered some up to go out probably, in hindsight, because it involved drinking. It also has to do with the fact that I am uncomfortable, with my body's agility, with the questions I would get at a bar, and with my frequent need to pee. I am content to stay at home by myself with a book, some ice cream, and my feet propped up. Call me lazy but I am more comfortable on a couch than a bar stool. I walk slower, move more gently, and am constantly afraid of someone bumping into me. Hell, I bump myself into things I can only expect others to do the same.

I wrote in my 2007 post that I learned some people are boring when they become couples. Regrettably, I was thinking of myself. I was thinking that when I am in a couple I grow complacent and become quite boring, falling easily into a routine, relying on that other person for my entertainment. And sadly most of my friendships have suffered from it. Instead of being pro-active and going out with friends I found it easier to come home and spend time with my beau. Feeling that if I spent a Saturday night alone while single I was pathetic but a Saturday night at home with a boy is acceptable and much easier then dragging my ass out of the house. But now as I am approaching becoming a permanent couple, albeit different than having a boyfriend, will I fall into the same bad habits and routines that I have in the past? Will having a child divert all my attention similar to how boyfriends once sucked my focus from my friends?

Rebecca says I feel more content at home because I am growing a friend. That I am creating my own companion. That is exactly the mentality that I worry about. If Rebecca is noticing a change in my behavior already, what will happen in a few months. I would like to believe that, in the past year and a half that I have been single, I have learned that my friends are of utmost importance. A dire necessity in my life. Will Bean allow me to fall back into my old routine of couple life? Will I become boring and unable to motivate myself to leave the house to socialize with people that are my own age? I am nervous that I will never see my friends because I will be too busy, too preoccupied, too all consumed with a baby.

I want to be able to find a balance. A balance of my love for my child and my need to cultivate my friendships. A balance between being a mom and being a single 25 year old. I think I am going to need a lot of help to find the motivation to leave the house but I know that I will be better for it when I do. I don't want my friendships to suffer. They have suffered enough already. I don't want to become that person that can only communicate with children because of a lack in my social life. Maybe, acknowledging my fears will make me focus on my friendships even more. I guess I will have to wait and see what Bean does to my world.

Heaven To Me

The Baby Suite is complete!!! Well, kinda of. I still haven't moved in completely but I am sleeping at home, in my new room, on my brand new mattress. Its like being on vacation. I am so in heaven. I thought I was going to freak out sleeping in close proximity to all of the baby paraphernalia, the crib was going to stare me down in my sleep. But, thankfully, I am relieved that things are moving along and I feel settled. I am confident that if Bean decides to make his appearance tomorrow that we will have a place to stay, beds to sleep in, diapers to change him, and warm wipes for his bum. It is a good feeling, finally coming home.

I was thinking and I have not had a place of my own since I moved out of my apartment in Astoria in 2005. When I was unpacking boxes, I found amazing things that I had long forgotten about. My life accessories that have been packed in the attic for two years. Lizzy was laughing because I was getting so excited about the littlest things. It has been a welcome change to unpack all these forgotten treasures and faded memories when lately I have been so surrounded by the shiny unknown of baby-ville.

Speaking of Lizzy, she has been so incredibly helpful. She was up in the attic for me, motivating me to get things unpacked. She is like my mini maid. She told me it is only going to last while I am preggo but I will take whatever I can get. Rebecca and Lizzy built the crib, dresser, and changing table. They were hysterical. The dresser came in one thousand pieces and I got to sit on my bed and watch. Sometimes it is nice being so pregnant. Lizzy built Bean's vibrating bouncer thing that one of our cats decided to curl up in. I almost killed her but can understand because I want to curl up in it. Lizzy got the most essential baby things out of the attic and helped me put them all away. We have bottles in the kitchen, diapers by the changing table, a car seat ready to be installed, and a crib laundered and baby ready. I feel like we got so much accomplished!!!