Over to the Dark Side

I think about this sometimes so don't make fun. It is one of my dark and twisted thoughts that robs me of sleep. I highly doubt that it is going to happen but there is another person coming into this world that will be reliant on me and I can't help but wonder: What happens if I die?

I know its creepy and morbid but should I create a will? My parents don't have a will, shame on them. Should I? As you all know, Terry is in the military and his future plans can be anywhere in the world. Naturally, if something where to happen to me, Terry would become sole guardian. However, what happens if Terry is in Afghanistan or Iraq or God knows who else we will be fighting in years to come? His future is migratory and a harsh world for a child who needs stability. So, that still leaves little Bean. It bothers me. I know that maternal mortality is very low in the US but it still really bothers me. In all reality, I know that nothing bad is going to happen but I can't help but wonder.

I would want him to be raised in my house, where I intended to. By someone young, like I am. Someone not perfect without the luxury of testing parenting skills on other children. My thoughts turn to Rebecca. I mentioned this the other day. She started laughing. Mom was insulted. Now, I fully understand that my parents would financially help and that they would have Rebecca move home. The less change for Bean the better. Maybe it is mean of me to put all the responsibility of raising a child on Rebecca. To essentially nominate another single mom when it was a hard enough choice for myself. But I think that she would be the person most likely to raise my son the way that I would. Or at least close to the way that I intended. I always said that if I had a child, Rebecca would raise him anyway.

It is a weird feeling. I feel blessed to know I accomplished so much in my young life. That having Bean makes my life more complete, more finished somehow. That if I did die, I know that my life has had great meaning because of him. On the other hand, to miss out on truly getting to know Bean is heartbreaking. Heath Ledger made a comment when his daughter, Matilda, was born on WJW-TV that really hit home with me and is even more heartbreaking after his untimely passing. Your forced into, kind of, respecting yourself more. You learn more about yourself through your child, I guess. I think you also look at death differently. It's like a Catch-22: I feel good about dying now because I feel like I'm alive in her, you know, but at the same hand, you don't want to die because you want to be around for the rest of her life.