Grow a Friend

I feel like I have been very neglectful of my friends these past few months. I really do want to go into the city to visit everyone but I just don't seem to have the energy. I know that my body is not my own anymore and I should listen to it but having no energy is not a good enough excuse for me. In college, I never had energy but yet always mustered some up to go out probably, in hindsight, because it involved drinking. It also has to do with the fact that I am uncomfortable, with my body's agility, with the questions I would get at a bar, and with my frequent need to pee. I am content to stay at home by myself with a book, some ice cream, and my feet propped up. Call me lazy but I am more comfortable on a couch than a bar stool. I walk slower, move more gently, and am constantly afraid of someone bumping into me. Hell, I bump myself into things I can only expect others to do the same.

I wrote in my 2007 post that I learned some people are boring when they become couples. Regrettably, I was thinking of myself. I was thinking that when I am in a couple I grow complacent and become quite boring, falling easily into a routine, relying on that other person for my entertainment. And sadly most of my friendships have suffered from it. Instead of being pro-active and going out with friends I found it easier to come home and spend time with my beau. Feeling that if I spent a Saturday night alone while single I was pathetic but a Saturday night at home with a boy is acceptable and much easier then dragging my ass out of the house. But now as I am approaching becoming a permanent couple, albeit different than having a boyfriend, will I fall into the same bad habits and routines that I have in the past? Will having a child divert all my attention similar to how boyfriends once sucked my focus from my friends?

Rebecca says I feel more content at home because I am growing a friend. That I am creating my own companion. That is exactly the mentality that I worry about. If Rebecca is noticing a change in my behavior already, what will happen in a few months. I would like to believe that, in the past year and a half that I have been single, I have learned that my friends are of utmost importance. A dire necessity in my life. Will Bean allow me to fall back into my old routine of couple life? Will I become boring and unable to motivate myself to leave the house to socialize with people that are my own age? I am nervous that I will never see my friends because I will be too busy, too preoccupied, too all consumed with a baby.

I want to be able to find a balance. A balance of my love for my child and my need to cultivate my friendships. A balance between being a mom and being a single 25 year old. I think I am going to need a lot of help to find the motivation to leave the house but I know that I will be better for it when I do. I don't want my friendships to suffer. They have suffered enough already. I don't want to become that person that can only communicate with children because of a lack in my social life. Maybe, acknowledging my fears will make me focus on my friendships even more. I guess I will have to wait and see what Bean does to my world.