I have been a mean girl lately. I hate when I am mean. I know it may seem impossible because I have a calm, composed demeanor but every now and again I have been known to have a very sharp tongue. Especially with my family and adding tequila makes it much worse. I think it is because I am uninhibited by the repercussions. They have to love me no matter what I say. With them I tend to say whatever comes to mind without processing it through my mental filter and without concern for their feelings.I want to officially apologize. I don't mean to hurt and I have to attribute most of my harshness to jealousy. I am jealous that my Mom and Rebecca are living my life with my son. Jealous that they are clocking more time with him than I am. That they get to experience him during his happiest times and I arrive home to end of the day crankiness and midnight feedings. That they are present to witness his firsts while I am working. I know its kind of a cop out but I have to throw hormones in the mix as well. I have been very even keel throughout my pregnancy, his birth, and first two months. Pat myself on the back. However, all of a sudden, I am finding myself very emotional. Leaving him makes me feel like this blind legless armless wonder that wanders aimlessly though my day. Its definitely something to be emotional about. I cried three times in church this Sunday while totally unaware of the cause. Church is not suppose to make people cry.
My jealousy rears its ugly butt with aggressive comments that focus on Rebecca and Moms insecurities as caregivers. Comments that imply that I would always do a better job or how they are not doing something right. I am irritable. Quick to judge and put people down. I want things done my way all the time (which is not always the right way). I call to check in and give a laundry list of things that they should be doing. I get frustrated easily and as soon as the words are out of my mouth I regret saying them. Please, ignore me. Both of you.I am trying to be better about it. I LOVE that I have people I trust watching him. I am overwhelmed by the AMAZING job they are doing. He is thriving, safe, and loved all day. That is the most important thing to me. That is what I have to focus on instead of my selfish jealousy. I adore that he goes on walks every day. I just wish that I was home to participate. Wish I was home to love, adore, and catch his every waking smile. You both are doing fabulously amazing jobs and Wyatt is the better for it. I can't even begin to tell you how eternally grateful I am that he is home with two of his most adoring fans. But I can try by not being such a bitch!!
3 comments:
Listen up grasshopper....I get it and I don't take it personally because I remember that feeling of leaving my babies and the heartbreak that came with it. But you are resoursefull and strong and will figure out a way to be home more with Wyatt and still be able to support yourself. And for the record your not a bitch and never have been, just a mom missing her sweet little man.
Happy Mothers day Kate. You are blessed to have such good caretakers for Wyatt, but no one cares for a child exactly like a mother! Love to a wonderful Mother! It's normal to feel jealous of anyone who is haveing time with your baby when you're not, don't worry they understand and love you no matter how green you turn. Love to you and my precious great nephew. auntie di
That picture of him laying next to you, he looks like 45 inches long!
It must be so hard to leave Wyatt every day to go to work. It is great that he is with family, and I am sure you appreciate that, but part of me thinks that yes, there was a womans' movement, thank goodness, and we are slouching toward equality, but biologically our bodies need a few centuries to catch up. Biologically we want to be with our kids 24/7. We feel that maternal urge to care for them and cater to their every need. It's the cavewoman inside of us all.
It is only in the past 50/60 years that women even worked outside the home in any significant way. And back then, it was a small percentage. It just seems natural to want to be the one taking care of that mini human that grew inside of you. I am grateful that we have more equality, but at the same time I wish every woman who wanted to stay home with their baby could. Because having to work when you want to be home seems like cruel and unusual punishment.
That said, think of it this way: Soon he ill be having regular naps. Maybe 2 hours in the morning and two in the afternoon. So half of his time away from you he will be sleeping!
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