If I do my math correctly, I think we are right about the one year conception anniversary. The night was memorable for more then a few reasons. I was wearing Rebecca's knee high hunter green rain boots, jeans, and a black sweater. Rebecca, Mary Kate, and I met Terry and some of his friends at a bar on 34th and 3rd. It is funny I remember the address but can't for the life of me remember the name of the bar. Jake's Dilemma, maybe. My wallet, palm pilot, camera, and sunglasses got stolen. I should have gone home with Rebecca right after that happened. But drunken logic told me to stay and proceed with tequila shots. I lose everything, laugh it off, drink some more and come home pregnant. Rebecca lost her phone a month or so ago and cried for the entire night. Who had the more reasonable reaction?
My Mom was livid with me that night. I have never heard her so angry with me. I called her from Penn Station at 4a.m chuckling about calling Bank of America. Terry bought a slice of pizza and got mad at me when I took his crust. Ah hello, lost my wallet!!! I'm drunk and starving!! When ever I think about it I shake my head in disbelief. It seems like ages ago. Who was that person?! I was straight out of my amazing year with Habitat and was taking a month "off" to collect my thoughts. Moving back to LI felt like a step backwards for my life, personally and professionally. I distinctly remember feeling lost, unmotivated, defeated, and empty hearted. Those feelings manifesting themselves in my reckless behavior.
Its like that song by Ben Folds - 'I know all the wrong turns, the stumbles, and falls brought me here.' I didn't like the person I was a year ago and worse of all I didn't know how to change. I knew I was making poor decisions but felt powerless to stop them. I was heading to a place that was out of control if I wasn't there already. Many people ask if I regret that night. My answer is no. Am I proud of that night? No. But I have no regrets. I can't regret a night that resulted in the greatest gift. Wyatt is by far the best thing that has happened to me. I know it will get harder but I stand by the fact that I am a better person due to him.
I feel more grounded, happy, and successful than I have felt in a long time. A piece of the puzzle, found. I feel in touch with my emotions, morals, and expectations. When I was little, I thought that all the babies of the world were up in heaven, looking down on us, and choosing their parents. Maybe Wyatt chose me. Maybe he knew that I needed saving. Maybe he knew, before I did, that I was searching for a saving grace. Now, all my problems are not magically solved because I had a child. Far from it. I am still very much a work in progress. But having him has given me a much deeper understanding of myself and my values. I am a far cry from the person I was a year ago. Wyatt has motivated me to make a change. I thank God every night for blessing me with this amazing child. But if Wyatt did choose me, maybe I should be thanking him.
5 comments:
Evolution, its what seperates us from the primates and you my dear are constantly evolving. You went from big city theater to building houses for the poor down south to being a mother in a very short period of time. We all know Wyatt is a genius and if indeed he choose you it was not because you needed saving but because he saw in you something special and unique and knew that you out of all the others were the one he wanted to call Mommy!
This is a special day if it the day that the bean began. He is special and so are you and you both are where you belong..... together! Love to the amazing mommy and the blessed baby. love, auntie de
I think the bond began on that fateful night and has grow stronger everyday. You are both fearless!
3rd and Long? I know there is bar on Third and 35th-ish called third and long. On the southeast corner. Jake's Dilemma is way uptown.
The benefit of IVf is you know EXACTLY when conception occurred! In fact, I am sure some lab person can tell us the exact minute egg was mixed with sperm. Isn't it romantic?!
And another thing...I totally get what you mean about all those mistakes. My 20s were one l-o-n-g train wreck. But honestly every second of it was worth it because it led me to exactly where I am. You are right to have no regrets. One thing different and there would be no Wyatt.
I have to look up that Ben Folds Five song.
I have been to 3rd and Longs many a times for $1 beer night. I have been thinking and thinking and it possibly was Joshua Tree.
The Ben Folds Five song is called 'The Luckiest'. One of my absolute favoriates.
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