On Elephants

I am worried that I am forgetting. Forgetting what it was like in the hospital and having him home that first night. The feeling that I got in the shower when I really knew that I was in labor. A combination of excitement, anticipation, fear of the unknown, and shear terror. The look on my mothers face when I told her she better call Terry's parents. Sometimes I look at his pictures and feel all nostalgic. Where has my tiny bean gone? I know, he's only three months but still. I want to remember every second of this time and I am afraid that it will be physically impossible.

About an hour after I had him, the baby nurse came in and took him to rest. They said that both he and I needed our detox time. All my family was standing at the nursery window and I was left by myself for the first time. My room was directly across from the nurses station. They were chatting happily while I was trying to process what had just happened. I felt so at peace knowing that all of the waiting was over and that the real challenge still lay ahead of me. I couldn't help but think of my own mom, Terry's mom, my Nana, my aunts, all the mothers that filled my life and feel this bond of understanding. I felt it again later that night watching the minutes on the clock go by and re-capturing the events of the day. I didn't sleep at all when I was in the hospital. Not even a little bit.

I remember the look on Rebecca's face when she barged into the delivery room to look at him. Wy was probably only 5 minutes old and Rebecca was crying before she even crossed the threshold. The nurses started yelling because there were too many people in the room. One of them saying "How many more people are there?!" Clearly, even in the hospital, I travel with an entourage.

They brought me a hamburger for lunch. One of those cafeteria, plastic burgers with the stale bun, and tastes like cardboard. Who wants to eat that right after giving birth? Poor planning, I say. Terry's parents brought a bottle of champagne into the hospital the day he was born. We popped the cork with him cradled in my arms only hours old.

Rebecca was telling me about when mom woke her up that morning. Evidently, it took a few tries because Rebecca thought it was a joke. We had been playing jokes on one another for months. Screaming "I'm in labor" just to see how the other would react. Anyway, when Rebecca finally internalized what was about to happen she jumped up and hugged mom saying "We're having a baby!"

He learned his first parlor trick in March. Every time I would rub his little bald head like an eight ball he would smile. Hysterical. There are so many little nuances, his likes and dislikes that I have learned, I don't want to forget any of them. Guaranteed by the time he is 7 I will have long forgotten how he likes to be held while he sleeps. But right now it seems very important.