Hello Darkness, My Old Friend

I thought while I was on maternity leave I would have a lot of time on my hands. I thought that all newborns do is sleep, eat, and poop, allowing for a load of free time. I have a long list of things that I wanted to accomplish during my time spent at home. Unfortunately, Wyatt has other plans for me. He wants my constant attention all the time. Not only does he want my attention, he wants me to hold him even when he is sleeping. I am somewhat guilty of this because most of the time I enjoy holding him. But sometimes, like in the middle of the night, I want him in his crib which he has come to loathe. I would to if I was all comfortable in the crook of someones' arm all day and then got thrown into a cold, lonely crib at night.

My days pass seamlessly into my nights. I don't know what day of the week it is most of the time. He consistently wants to get fed every two hours. That is two hours from the beginning of each feeding. Which means by the time he finishes eating, gets changed, and burped that I have about an hour and 15 minutes to sleep. Sometimes I pump and put bottles in the fridge so I can get a continuous three hours but most of the time my boobs wake me up before he does. They get really hard, painful, and leaky if he doesn't nurse for a while. Ah, the joys of breastfeeding.

My lack of sleep didn't bother me much for the first week. It think it was adrenaline and having Mom and Rebecca sleeping in with me to help for the first couple nights. But lately it has been wearing on my patience. When I do get to sleep, I am out cold and when he wakes up it takes me a while to get out of bed. In the beginning, I would jump up and be fully awake and alert to all of his needs. More recently, I find myself dragging my feet, allowing Wyatt to bunk in with me, and falling asleep while he nurses. Today, I found myself daydreaming of my former uninterrupted nights of sleep.

Everyone tells me to sleep when he sleeps. That is good in theory and I do try. But I also like to be bathed, fed, and check my email once and a while which only happens when he is asleep. He does sleep much more soundly during the day (see: Wyatt sleeping while performing Thriller). I, however, do not. Then when he is awake I like to engage him. I am trying to get him to smile. I love singing silly songs and watching him watch me. I am lucky that I have so many people who are willing to help me change diapers and clothing. I am trying to enjoy every moment because I know it won't last but it is hard at four in the morning when he is crying. It will get easier, I know it will.