These Chucks Are Made for Walking

Insert Therapy Joke Here

In an effort to better myself for 2009, I have decided to go back to my therapist.  After working so hard to call it off last time it was a big decision for me.  But I distinctly feel that there are some things that I should work on with a professional.  Things that I just can't seem to wrap my head around and things that I would like to bounce off someone that is detached from the situation.  I would like to believe this is the mature thing to do rather then feeling like I am running back to her with my tail between my legs.

I hesitate to mention this but deep breath and leap, right?  Drum roll please....I am kind of dating someone.  He is an ex-boyfriend that I dated for about a year.  Eric knew about my pregnancy, keeping in touch throughout, and came to see Wyatt for the first time when he was about 4 months.  We have been getting slightly more serious but I really, really, really have no idea how to do this.  Successfully managing dating and motherhood is my first topic to cover in therapy.  Talk about a big agenda.  I have been having a hard time committing and can't understand why.  Eric is great and Wyatt adores him.  What is my issue?! 

Next on my list is how to better communicate with Terry and his parents.  I feel very lost in how to define our relationship.  I am also extremely hesitant to speak up because I am afraid that hurt feelings might tarnish our life long partnership.  It is something I really need to get over.  It is a really strange relationship for all of us and seems to be getting more and more complicated.  And I can foresee it getting more complicated in the future.  Now, I know that therapy will not "solve" all these nagging questions but at least I will feel more confident to cope with them.

This blog is very cathartic for me and does help a great deal in enabling me to flush out my thoughts.  However, despite my extrovert nature, there are somethings that I would rather not discuss in a public forum hence where the therapist comes in.  Sorry, Internet.  All the gory, messy details will come out in a tell-all book that I am thinking about writing.  I am sure there will be interesting posts to come as the issues come to fruition.  Here's to a step in the right direction to start off 2009.

Ho, Ho, Ho

Things I Learned in 2008

I learned how to juggle 12 things at once.

How to change a diaper and make a bottle.

My body is a work of art and every wrinkle and bump has a purpose.

I took sleeping through the night for granted.

Responsibility is a state of mind.

True friendship is very hard to come by.

I cannot control anyone's reactions but my own.

Always keep extra clothes handy in case of explosive baby.

I can see promise in any situation.

I have great respect for stay at home moms.

I have no idea why but when I drink I acquire a southern accent.

I admire Lizzy's motivation, will, and her sheer grace through hardship.

I want to please everyone but that is not possible.

I love driving with a baby sleeping in the back seat.

Actions speak much louder then words.

I was wrong.  I like kids.  And I can admit it.

My spirituality is a work in progress.

My family continues to amaze me.

My sisters are my greatest source of strength.

I want more children.

Praise God for Walmart!

People say its an act of love to euthanize a pet but it feels more like an act of betrayal.

A beer cozi is the best way to keep a bottle warm.

My past and my present sometimes blend perfectly.

Forgiveness is a lot easier then being angry but a lot harder.

Formula sucks but is better then getting bitten.

Karma is real.  You get back what you put out.

Sometimes severe pain equals great joy.

I am more comfortable in my skin then I ever have been.

I am becoming my mother and surprisingly that is a very good thing.

My boobs are much more then mounds of skin. 

Motherhood has taught me so much about myself.

No matter how much Nana makes there will never be enough tapioca pudding.

With the right music my mood can change in an instant.

Being a grown up is scary yet satisfying.

I appreciate our world more by experiencing everything through Wyatt's eyes.

Being a mother came much easier then I ever anticipated.

Sometimes wine is a necessary evil. 

People will surprise me and not always in a good way.

Hope is palpable. (The angels sing "Obama") 

I can love much more then I ever dreamed possible.

Wyatt is my biggest accomplishment and my greatest joy.

Merry Christmas

Christmas was everything I expected it to be and more.  My family was definitely more excited about the holiday then Wyatt but our excitement was contagious.  By Christmas morning Wyatt was all riled up and ready to roll in wrapping paper.  He did very well opening presents, playing with the paper more then any of his toys but totally grasping the concept of there is something fun in the paper.  He still has about 4 presents left under the tree.  Why overwhelm him, right?  We can have Christmas all week long.  I definitely went overboard and bought way too much but that is what first Christmas's are all about.

I had to work all day Christmas Eve.  Seeing that I now work for a church its kind of a busy holiday.  The family met me at 6 for the service.  Wyatt was very well behaved and most of the people around us complimented him on his cuteness and loved that he clapped when the choir sang.  I had a mandatory stash of cherrios and he would take one for himself then give one to Auntie B, then me, then would reach into the pew behind us.  He is a good sharer for an only child.  It was really very cute.  I took him up to Communion (he doesn't receive just gets blessed) which always gets me a bit teary eyed.  Father Michael and Father Simon, aka my new bosses, gave him the nicest Christmas blessing.  Then I proceeded to choke back tears for the next 10 minutes. 

My favorite Christmas present did not come in the traditional wrapping paper and bow.  My little munchkin started saying "Mama".  If I leave the room he runs after me shouting "Mum Mum".  When I walk to his crib after his nap that is the first thing he says when he sees me.  It is the most amazing thing, melting my heart every time.  He also has been saying it to Gammy which is not surprising because I call her Mom.  His vocabulary has really started to develop and all of a sudden.  I can't wait to see what word he come up with next.

Our Red Head

The Next Chapter

In a strange turn of events, I got a job.  Yes, you read that right.  It really seems to be the perfect opportunity for me in many ways and I am super excited about this next step in my life. I wasn't looking for a job but I said if I found something part-time, flexible, and local it might work for me.  This is all three and only 19 hours a week plus there is enough room for a playpen in my office.  I started work as the new Sexton at St. John's Church on Thursday and so far it is going very well. 

I don't know which is more surprising, the fact that I am working for a church or that my title has the word sex in it.  On Sunday, the Priest in Charge announced me to the congregation.  As I stood up on the alter, Father Simon's arm around me praying, all I kept on thinking was how did I get this job being the heathen that I am.  I guess I didn't put that on my resume.  From what I understand from my two days of work so far, I am responsible for organizing contractors for the buildings and grounds and on Sundays working as a kind of stage manager for the services.  So I guess its pretty fitting.  

I have brought Wyatt with me twice already and his charm makes him a mascot with the congregation.  There is a nursery off the offices downstairs and also a nursery school (with a two year room, YEAH!) on the premise.   I had him strapped to me for a while this morning while I finished up some things.  Then I let him run free for a bit and we played hide and seek in between pews and kneelers.  I wish I had my camera.  At one point he crawled up to the alter and was staring at the stain glass above his head.  The light was a perfect.  I have to remember to carry my camera always from now on.  I am just so thrilled with everything that I have been to the church everyday since being hired.  This really could be the beginning of something great.

Fresh Air!!!

O Christmas Tree

The night before Christmas Tree cutting it was snowing when I went to bed.  It took me a while to fall asleep with the anticipation swirling in my head.  Funny thing is most the time the day is uneventful.  We drive, we search, we cut, we eat, and drive home.  But for some reason it is one of my favorite adventures.  I have come to believe that tree cutting symbolizes the beginning of the Christmas season.  It is when Christmas music becomes acceptable, shopping begins, and the smell of balsam fills our home.  Its like the prologue to all the anticipation, love, and warmth of the season.

We decided, after much debate, that the easiest way to get Wyatt up the mountain with the snow was by a little sled that I bought at the Fair at St. John's.  Considering that the stroller would not fit in the car and the backpack carrier did not fit my torso it was about the only option we had.  It was a sad realization that we might not all fit in the same car.  Dare we regress to a minivan?!  Oh, the horror!  Mom's Toyota has a third row of seats that only a chipmunk could fit in comfortably.  So, naturally the honor went to Lizzy.  Rebecca and I made a Wyatt sandwich and we were off.

The sled worked like a charm with Wy bundled in his snowsuit and perfect boots. He was fascinated with the snow and barely moved the entire sleigh ride.  Although that might have been because he couldn't move he was so bundled reminiscent of the boy in "The Christmas Story".  It was quite frigid so we were up, cut and down very quickly.  3 trees in all this year.  It was hard work pulling him up but even trickery work pulling him down.  I was afraid that I was going to loose control at any minute which resulted in me pretty much on my hands and knees guiding the sled down.  I swear he was the cutest bundle on the mountain.

Another nice surprise was my friend Kelly met us for the festivities. She lives about 20 minutes from where we cut trees so it was a no brainer.  I ruminated about how all our families will carry on the tradition in later years.  Of course during lunch Wyatt decided to take the funkiest poo imaginable.  I couldn't change him in the car because there was no room and the restaurants bathroom was out of order.  I carried him and supplies to Dunkin' Donuts praying for a changing table.  But, alas, none to be found.  So, true McGiver style I laid down a blanket and changed him on the floor then promptly Purell'd both of us.  A first for everything.  And of course the Winery ran out of my favorite wine, Raspberry Rhapsody.  Last year I bought a bottle specifically for after I gave birth coined "My Birthing Wine" I love it so much.  I had to settle for the strawberry this year.  So, I guess it was mildly eventful and another success.

Baby, It's Cold Outside

10 Months

Bugs,

The holiday season has got you all wrapped up in lights.  You are fascinated with our icicle lights on the front porch.  Gammy takes you out to see them every day and seeing you gasp with delight will never get old.  During the first snowfall she ran out and got you some in a cup.  You looked from the cup then to Gammy several times before promptly grabbing a handful and putting it to your mouth.  Everything holiday related we call "ho ho ho" to see if you will catch on and say it for Christmas.  Even our tree, still bailed, propped against our window is of great curiosity.  Wait until we put it up!  Last year I spent many hours dreaming about this Christmas and it is so much more then I ever anticipated already.

Your vocabulary has expanded slightly.  You have "hi" down and now you have added "hot".  When I stand next to the tea kettle waiting for your bottle to heat you repeat "hot, hot, hot" is this small breathy way.  Then look up at me pride glowing on your face.  Every morning we wave bye bye to Grandpa at the front door and no matter where you are in the house when he comes home at night you run to him.  You both have a love affair going on.  You are happy when I get home from work but you are ecstatic when Grandpa comes home.  You barely leave his arms until I put you to bed.

I am starting to think that you are left handed.  Dad and Grandpa are lefties so it is a possibility.  You are being much more confidant walking on your own but when you need to get somewhere fast it is easier for you to hold my hand.  You hold on with your right and explore the world with your left.  Your seem to find the heaviest toy you own and try to carry it around the house.  When Gammy took you for a walk you threw a ball at a dog you stopped to explore.  I took you to the puppy place we got Bear as your reward for being an angel while I was Christmas shopping.  I found this tiny, fluffy, white maltipoo and brought him to your chest.  You squealed with delight has he licked your fingers and wagged his tiny tail.  We are definitely getting you a pound dog for the summer.  Grandpa said he would kick us out if I brought home a dog but I think he's bluffing.  He loves you too much.

You are so curious and adventurous right now.  It is entirely fascinating to watch.  Plastic cups, the net laundry hamper, a box of tissues, my laptop charger (as pictured) or your breath fogging the front door will occupy you for at least 10 minutes.  I am looking at our house with revisionist eyes.  Watching out for ordinary objects that you may find fascinating.  Auntie B is great at this.  When we were at her apartment last week she pulled out tupperware and checkers that were quickly scattered all over.  My favorite thing ever is when you start laughing in anticipation of someone playing with you.  You will start crawling out of the room we are in and I will let you get a little ways before starting to yell "Hey, get back here".  Then as I thump the floor to begin the chase you try to crawl faster but your arms and legs can never move as fast as you want them to.  You get all tangled up, then give up and bury your head in the floor, laughing and waiting until I get to you.  Once I get there you start laughing so hard I have to wait so you can catch your breath.  My face actually hurts from writing this I am smiling so much.

I love you everyday.

Mama  

Does this Mean He's a Toddler?!?

I have gotten Wyatt to walk several times since his initial first steps but have yet to capture it on video.  We got it tonight by taunting him with my laptop.  So exciting!!

Bed Hopping

I am in trouble.  I am, for sure, starting very bad habits that I seem to be unable to stop.  Wyatt always starts the night off in his crib.  Usually, around 3 or 4am he wakes up having peed through everything.  There is no diaper that could possibly contain all of his night time peeing.  I have tried different brands, different absorbencies, everything and I have given up.  I get him changed and sit to rock him back to sleep.  Sometimes this works and he will be back to sleep in a half hour.  Most of the time it doesn't and that is when my weakness prevails.

After rocking for a good half hour, I start getting very tired.  My eyelid start to droop and I slide lower and lower in the rocking chair.  I try to stay focus frightened that I will fall asleep with Wy in my arms and drop him.  I watch the clock and give myself time lines.  When the clock hits 3:30 or in another 10 minutes.  Then I move him to his crib.  I will just get back in bed, cozy and comfortable, to hear him rustling then grabbing the bars to struggle to stand.  Sometimes I try to rock him some more if I am wide wake and have nothing to do the next day.  But most often I carry him to Mommy's Big Bed and tuck him close next to me where he sleeps like a baby, which we all know doesn't happen often.

I try.  I really really do. I sleep better with him in his crib.  When he is next to me I worry constantly about rolling over on him so I rarely get to a deep sleep.  He is a huge bed hog for a little boy.  He kicks me continuously.  I will rock him for hours then give him 5 minutes next to me in bed and he's out.  I know it is a very bad habit but sometimes I am just so very tired that I can't help it.  In the middle of the night all I can think about is the multitude of things I have the accomplish the next day and how 4 hours of sleep will not allow me to function.  I honestly do not know how to break this vicious cycle.

I have been reading a Dr. Ferber book for about two months.  I have thought about letting him cry it out but I don't think I have it in me.  Even if I did, I am sure that he would wake the house up and someone else would come running to his rescue.  I have thought about moving to the couch when he gets loud so I can ignore him through the monitor but then I remember how cold the couch is.  Yes, I admit, I do enjoy waking up next to him.  I leisurely get us out of bed after telling him a story or playing a game of high five.  But that is never the reason why I put him in my bed in the first place.  I am having a lot of trouble with this.  I am afraid that I am creating a lasting habit and it will be even harder to get him out of my bed later.  But seriously what am I suppose to do?  I just can't rock him for 2 hours every night.   

From the Mac

My thoughts...

Drum roll please...Wyatt took his first unaided steps today!  He has been walking holding onto my fingers for about a month but recently he has been letting go.  He will drop my hands to bend down and grab a toy.  He will stand holding onto the couch then turn and sit on the floor. So, we decided to try to get him to walk.  Mom sat on one side of the room and me on the other with Dad sitting ready with the video camera.  Lo and behold, he took about 5 steps on his own then sat down.  I got him up again and he took about another 7 steps to get at the video camera.  We were all screaming and hollering.  I swear I have never seen something so exciting.  Literally, Brad Pitt could have walked through my front door and exclaim he's leaving Angie and wants to be with me forever and my reaction would have been the same.

I am listening to Christmas music on repeat and have been for about three weeks now.  I know, I know jumping the season a little bit but I am totally obsessed with Christmas music.  Something about Bing Crosby's creamy velvet baritone makes me all warm inside and giddy to wrap presents.  And Mariah Carey's vibrato makes me hopeful for a season filled with love.  It's an addiction really.  I have sang "O Holy Night" to Wyatt so many times now that I think even he is getting bored.  I admit I listen to Christmas music all year round but nows the time I can do it unashamed.  There are even radio stations dedicated to holiday music.  Oh, the Joy of the Season!!

At Wyatt's last doctors appointment, Dr. Greg asked me if Wyatt was saying "Bye Bye" or "DaDa" in context.  Well, he's not really and now I am panicked that is he behind the curve although I know he's not because Dr. Greg said it was fine.  He is very vocal but sometimes he gets things and sometimes he doesn't.  I cannot make him say "Hi" on command but introduce a nice old lady in the supermarket and he will say "Hi" to everyone he passes.  But he doesn't say any of the normal baby words.  He waves but refuses to say "bye bye".  If you ask him where the light is he looks up and I swear he said "ite" the other day.  He also says something that sounds like "taht" and "dit" which means something to him because he says it all the time but not in the rambling way.  I am pretty sure he has got "cat" down too.  I know I need to stop worrying about it because he does speak but until I get him to say "bye bye" it is going to weigh on me.  Arg...

We are going Christmas tree cutting on Sunday.  Honestly, this is perhaps my favorite day of the holiday season.  We go to Jones Tree Farm and climb the "mountain" (its really a big hill) to find our perfect tree.  I have many memories tree cutting with friends and family and I am eager to pass that tradition to Wyatt.  I purchased a snowsuit and boots and upgraded ourselves to a back pack carrier to get him ready for the trip .  The front loading carrier I have goes up to 22lbs but it's kind of a stretch for Wyatt to get into and for me to carry.  It took me a long time to find a back pack that wasn't industrial capacity for hiking.  Honestly, most of them turned into a highchair or a tent and were much too extravagant for my needs.  I really hope the weather is nice so we can have our mega adventure.  Post and pictures to come for sure.