Begin the Barren

Inexplicably, I am drying up. I have been worried for a while that my supply has been less than supple. About a month ago, I started noticing that I was pumping skimy bottles or it took me much longer to get the coveted 6 ounces. I made a conscience effort to allow Wyatt nurse longer hoping that it would up supply but it seems to have not worked. Last night, I resorted to a bottle when Wyatt cried after nursing, my shortage fears confirmed.

I have two possible suspects in the mystery of the drought. First, I have been under a lot of stress lately mostly regarding Lizzy but also in conjunction with Wyatts Christening and work. It seems that when I am under stress I have a hard time letting down. Letting down, for those that don't know, feels like pins and needles in your nipple and is responsible for the release of milk. Usually, I will pump for a bit (or Wyatt will do his thing) for a minute then I will let down and about 4 ounces will shoot out like a faucet. Lately, my mind will be all over the place and I can't let down. No matter how much I think about my baby (which is what the books tell you to do). On stressful days I am lucky if I get 3 ounces. The other possible culprit is my eating habits. You need a ridiculous amount of calories and fluids to maintain milk production. I have never been a big meal eater and am a constant snacker. When I was pregnant and the first few months of breast feeding, I was hungry all the time. Since going back to work, my appetite has waned. It is hard for me to pack on the carbs like I once did. I have been loosing weight which I also attribute to stress. I try to drink lots of milkshakes but somedays I can't handle it.

I am on the fence about this whole situation. I am a perfectionist and wanted to breast feed for the recommended one year although knew I probably wouldn't make it. He is almost 7 months so I did a pretty good job. I find it easier to breast feed. Its convenient and inexpensive. I don't have to worry about packing bottles or heating water. I can grab Wyatt and go. Midnight feedings go quickly. I feel like I have become a walking ad for pro breast feeders. I love feeling close to my baby and love being able to provide something so special.

On the other hand, I have been growing tried of pumping at work. I would like to be able to wear a normal bra without nursing pads. There is nothing sexier than leakage pads sticking out of a bra. Seriously, that is my life. Nuts are a staple in my diet and I have had to swear off of them because when I eat them Wyatt pukes buckets. I would like to have more than one drink without feeling like I am feeding him contaminated milk. And DAMN that new tooth. He bit me so hard last night I was bleeding and bled today again while pumping. I saw stars it hurt so much and now I am terrified that he is going to do it again.

However, the thought of drying up has got me feeling surprisingly empty. I have gotten used to having boobs with a purpose. They will go back to plain, push 'em up, non-functioning boobs. I think I also feel a touch of guilt that I didn't make it as long as I wanted to. I know that I am a success story, 7 months is nothing to feel guilty over. I guess I wanted it to be my choice to stop not my body's. Thankfully, I have a freezer full of milk that should last for a little bit longer and as long as the bitting stops I will forge ahead and supplement as necessary.