Me, my big self

I started seeing a therapist when I found out I was pregnant. She has been amazing and every week I feel lighter. At one point I was seeing her two times a week. Recommended by a friend and not having health insurance when I first found out, I didn't really care what I paid her as long as I could get a little normalcy. I didn't want this constant buzzing in my head about life changing decisions. I was so focused on not hurting other people that I was not focusing on myself. She helped me focus on myself and my needs.

Since things have started to settle down (somewhat) I decided that I can't justify spending $400 a month on my therapy, especially with a bean on the way. Working with social workers, I much appreciate the concept of therapy. I do believe that you should seek expert opinions when your life seems to get away from you. I had a very difficult decision to make and was extremely overwhelmed. She helped me through that decision and I am grateful. However, I feel better now. I am happy about this pregnancy and truly enjoying it. I could justify spending the money when I was feeling overwhelmed, I just can't anymore.

So, this week I broke up with her. It was very hard for me but necessary and my mind was made up. Week after week I seemed to have less and less to talk to her about. But right before I left her office she goes, "We still have so much to work on. I definitely think you have some dependency issues. You seem to be unable to allow yourself to depend on others. Think about it" Umm, what?!? Nice way to spring this on me right after I cancelled my sessions. I can't stop thinking about it. Is she right or was she just trying to get me to stay for more sessions?

Today, I find myself analyzing most of my relationships. I strive to be independent. I always have. My terrible two catch phrase was 'Me, My big self do it'. Maybe that still lingers with me today. I don't believe I am afraid of dependency. I understand, especially now, that I will need to depend on the support of my family and friends to allow myself to have somewhat of a personal life after this child is born. I appreciate and relish that my family is allowing me to depend on them. However, I don't think it is right for me to rely on them all the time. I am 25. I should be independent.

Maybe the answer lies beyond my family. Maybe there is no answer. I do depend and delegate when I need to. I tend to rely on myself for everything else. Which, I don't think is a bad thing. I think I need to chalk this off to she wanted more money and move on with my life. I know that I am not perfect and I definately could go to years and years of more therapy. And maybe, when I am making a little more money and not saving for a tremendous life change, I will. But for now....me, my big self can do it.

Registy!!!!

There is this infamous thing called a baby registry. I did not know much about said registry when I first got pregnant but in the next coming months I learn a lot about it. In a store you can make a wish list for all the things that you want for your baby and hopefully people will buy those things for you at your baby shower. It is quite lovely because then you get exactly what you want and not a ton of the same things.

However, I have been having a hard time. Because I simply do not know what I need, how much I need, what specific products are absolutely essential for a 2008 baby. Conveniently these stores give you a list of things they think you need, usually about 3 pages long. I never knew something so little would need so much. Anyway, there were a few things on the list that I thought were absolutely ridiculous that the baby experts deem essential for any new baby.

An example of these 'must have' items that didn't exist ten years ago....

The Wipe Warmer - wipes go in and then warmed to a nice temperature for your precious baby bottom. The purpose is if the babe is half asleep it might go back to sleep if you use a warm wipe on its ass instead of startling it with a cold one. I feel that wipes are a pretty good invention as it is. Besides I tend to think that the wipes might get brown or moldy in a warmer. Of course they probably invented something that doesn't allow them to get moldy for an additional $20.

The Floppy Seat - a fabric inlay for your shopping cart so little fingers stay safe. Generally, cool idea. But some of them are so freaking interactive that they gave me a migraine. They are cushioned, with toys, play music, light up, rattle, and make dinner all in a floppy seat. I totally want one cause I think they are totally unnecessary but a great way to prove to other moms that I have the coolest accessories.

The Wee Block, aka the Pee-Pee Tepee - your baby boys first jock cup, how cute. No really. These exist in all sizes and colors. This one in a fashionable "Wee Man" pattern. I saw another one that said "The Little Pisser". Specifically designed to prevent your lil'guy from peeing in your face. Put one of these over his little pecker during changing time and your safe. Seriously. Seriously, people.

Last but not least...The Hands Free Breast Pump - yes ladies, you can officially become a cow and get milked. I was horrified when I saw this. Horrified. Can you believe that things like this exist?!? Look at this picture. She is so happy being a cow, talking on the phone and getting work done!!! I am going to breast feed but that alone is scary enough. Making yourself into a milking machine is so degrading. I don't even have the words. I swear if anyone gets me this it better be a joke, cause there is no freaking way.

From the Beginning

I am going to try and start this blog thing. I have tried before without much avail but I am feeling positive about this time.

It has been a long 5 months. I was originally going to try to back track to fill everyone in on the past few months. But I think it is better to just move forward. If there is something that I would like to include that is in the past I will. A lot of things that happened but I don't want to regress. I need to move forward, so my blog will do the same.

So, bare with me. Here we go....