Me, my big self

I started seeing a therapist when I found out I was pregnant. She has been amazing and every week I feel lighter. At one point I was seeing her two times a week. Recommended by a friend and not having health insurance when I first found out, I didn't really care what I paid her as long as I could get a little normalcy. I didn't want this constant buzzing in my head about life changing decisions. I was so focused on not hurting other people that I was not focusing on myself. She helped me focus on myself and my needs.

Since things have started to settle down (somewhat) I decided that I can't justify spending $400 a month on my therapy, especially with a bean on the way. Working with social workers, I much appreciate the concept of therapy. I do believe that you should seek expert opinions when your life seems to get away from you. I had a very difficult decision to make and was extremely overwhelmed. She helped me through that decision and I am grateful. However, I feel better now. I am happy about this pregnancy and truly enjoying it. I could justify spending the money when I was feeling overwhelmed, I just can't anymore.

So, this week I broke up with her. It was very hard for me but necessary and my mind was made up. Week after week I seemed to have less and less to talk to her about. But right before I left her office she goes, "We still have so much to work on. I definitely think you have some dependency issues. You seem to be unable to allow yourself to depend on others. Think about it" Umm, what?!? Nice way to spring this on me right after I cancelled my sessions. I can't stop thinking about it. Is she right or was she just trying to get me to stay for more sessions?

Today, I find myself analyzing most of my relationships. I strive to be independent. I always have. My terrible two catch phrase was 'Me, My big self do it'. Maybe that still lingers with me today. I don't believe I am afraid of dependency. I understand, especially now, that I will need to depend on the support of my family and friends to allow myself to have somewhat of a personal life after this child is born. I appreciate and relish that my family is allowing me to depend on them. However, I don't think it is right for me to rely on them all the time. I am 25. I should be independent.

Maybe the answer lies beyond my family. Maybe there is no answer. I do depend and delegate when I need to. I tend to rely on myself for everything else. Which, I don't think is a bad thing. I think I need to chalk this off to she wanted more money and move on with my life. I know that I am not perfect and I definately could go to years and years of more therapy. And maybe, when I am making a little more money and not saving for a tremendous life change, I will. But for now....me, my big self can do it.