Sounds of Your Groove

At lunch I go lay down in my car and listen to music (not so much since its freezing). My Ipod blaring away with one earpiece in my ear and the other on my belly. Sometimes he doesn't react at all and other times he starts freaking out, bouncing from one side of my belly to another, kicking out, dancing. I rub my belly, gently pushing in where he is kicking out and sing. I love having that time to ourselves, my hour of quiet, feeling my son move. My mom laughs that it is prenatal torture but I'd like to think that he likes it.

All the books say that his ears are now fully developed and he can hear what I do only slightly muffled. Some even say that music I play for him in-utero will soothe him in the outside world. I find that fascinating!! Anything that might soothe a crying babe, I will try. So, I made a playlist of songs that I listen to pretty frequently hoping that I might try this theory out. I think I am in need of a few more good songs. I am looking for stuff that is soothing for him but interesting, good music, for me. Any ideas?

This is what I came up with already:

Your Smiling Face - James Taylor
Morning Lullabies - Ingrid Michaelson
This is Heaven to Me - Madeleine Peyroux
You Must have been a Beautiful Baby - Bobby Darin
Today - Joshua Radin
I'm Yours - Jason Mraz
April Showers - Math and Physics Club
From Where I'm Standing - Schuyler Fisk
Lullaby - Dixie Chicks
Dance Tonight - Paul McCartney
Give your Mama One Smile - Madeleine Peyroux
Everything will Be Alright - Joshua Radin
Beautiful Boy - John Lennon
More Love - Dixie Chicks
1234 - Feist
Daydream - John Sebastian

Awe Inspiring

I recently wrote Terry about a sermon I heard but I wanted to share it with all of you as well. The message spoke of God inspiring awe in our lives. That God has created this perfect world for us to take care of and enjoy. We should search out something or someone everyday that makes us step back, take a deep breath, and say 'Wow!' in order to appreciate what God has given our lives. Even if it is a beautiful sunset or a snowfall. The preacher was much more eloquent but that is my three sentence summary.

Most of you know that I am not very religious in the traditional sense of church attendance. But I do try to find time during my day at least to say thanks and acknowledge a greater presence in my life. So, I started thinking about a time pre-pregnancy that I was awe struck. I was thinking and thinking and thinking. I came up with working with Habitat, the people I met, the enthusiasm, the feeling of doing something for the greater good. But for some reason, I thought there should be something more.

My 'something more' came with pregnancy. Everyday I find myself in awe of what is happening to me, my body, and my family. Every time I feel him move inside me, I lose my breath. To become so attached, so quickly, and utterly in awe of a person that I have never met. It is an amazing feeling to know that my body is incubating another. I never had so much respect for my body before. I am awed when I see that tell tale look of pride on my parents face. I am awed that so many people have offered their help, love and support. I am so grateful that I have had the unexpected opportunity to be awed by pregnancy and new life.

This weekend was particularly awesome for me. Rebecca (with the help of some others) planned a spectacular baby shower for Bean on Saturday. It was truly amazing, the details, the effort, the time. I have had my head in this cloud of euphoria every since. I am completely overwhelmed by the entire experience. I have never felt so loved and cared for in my entire life. To know and experience first hand that my support system lies far beyond my family makes me heart-wrenchingly joyous. Being in a room filled with faces that have touched Terry and my lives in miraculous ways and knowing that our child will have all those people as well - I truly don't have the words. (For those that were there, yes, I know I have said that before).

I am awe struck, thunder struck, and all kinds of amazed. You can't even imagine how touched I am by every single one of you and all of your generosity. Seeing our families and friends come together to support and nurture Terry and my decision to have this child was overwhelming for me. I feel so blessed that our child is coming into a world so filled with love and support. My Christmas miracle was all of you. Again, to everyone, thank you, thank you, thank you, you can't even imagine how much this means to me, to Terry, and to Bean.

Bearsy

Our family dog, Bear, passed away on August 15th. She had been with us for almost 16 years. She was a great dog, the best dog really. I get choked up just thinking about her. She was loyal, friendly, reliable, and fit our family to a tee. I have tons of memories of her, as do most of the people that remember her. She was a staple at our house and was always symbolic of coming home to me. She was always so excited when we all were home.

The way we got Bear is a great story. Becca and I really wanted a dog, Lizzy was a newborn at the time. My parents, thinking they were very clever and that we would never pull it off, told us we could get a dog as long as we raised enough money. Once we raised $500, we could get a puppy on one condition, that the dog didn't shed. After receiving our ultimatum, Rebecca and I set to work. We had lemonade stands, rolled coins, collected all of our broken, unused toys, and sold them. We made signs that screamed adorable saying "Saving for a Puppy Sale". Neighbors would actually pull up and hand us $20's. Needless to say, we had the money in about a month. The rents were shocked but couldn't go back on their word. I think it was around October when we came home with Bear, a cockapoo. I was 10, Becca 8, and Lizzy a tender 5 months. Bear was a constant source of joy since the day we brought her home.

I have been dreaming of her a lot lately, quite vividly. Because I see her so often at night I have started looking for her during the day. I will open the back door as to let her in. Or cut up left over meat to feed to her. Or expect her to run around the corner when I come home. It still really hurts when she is not there like an open wound. Its not just me either. My whole family misses her. Our house is just not the same. It always feels like there is someone missing and after having her for 16 years, there is. Mom found Bear's baby (this toy she loved that looked like her) when she was cleaning out the back hall. She wouldn't have done well with all of this construction, all these people mulling about. She would have been very stressed and confused. So, maybe it is for the best that she passed when she did. The same day that I told Terry I was pregnant. Its weird how things work that way.

I was thinking that maybe when Bean gets older, around 2 or 3, we could go to the shelter and get him a dog. A young boy needs a big dog. I loved watching Lizzy grow up with Bear and I think that Bear's friendly temperament had a lot to do with having young children around. It makes me happy thinking about Bean running around the backyard with a puppy. I know it is years away but I don't know if I will be ready to bring another dog into our house. Right now, I am definitely not ready. I don't want another dog. I just want Bear. Maybe when I stop looking for Bear I will know that I am ready for a new dog and not a replacement. For now, its only Bear.

The Mechanics of Flight

Terry tries to call home pretty frequently. But sometimes in lieu of phone calls he sends mass emails to keep us all updated on what he is doing. He sent this one the other day. Its kind of rambling (sorry Ter) but I think gives a somewhat more accurate description of what he is doing over there. This is more for my family and friends that are not on Terry's mass email lists then anything else.

I was on nights the last couple of weeks, so I would fly at night, get home around 5am and sleep all day. It was a wonderful work day however getting back on the day shift is killing me. I have been sick, tired and cold, and add sleep deprivation on top of that I have just been exhausted. A few days ago I was asleep and in a split second I went from a deep sleep to my heart pounding out of my chest when I was awakened by an explosion that sent this huge shock wave through my hut. I swear you could feel the earth cry it was so loud and violent. Immediately after I calmed down I was going to walk outside and check it out, but I was so dam tired I just went back to sleep. Later I learned that the explosion was just our troops setting of a land mine, but at first I didn’t know. I feel a lot better this morning.

Flying nights was a blast. I felt a little safer because we fly completely blacked out (meaning no lights on the aircraft) and we can’t be seen in the sky. But let me tell you it is insanely dark at night. What I discovered while flying at night is that for the most part the basic flying is pretty easy, but what we really get paid to do is land. I can’t describe it, its like hours of boring activity with brief moments of the most intense, adrenaline pumping, horrifying fear. Every muscle in your body just tenses up and its in those moments the way you react is the difference between a good day and disaster. I was doing a sling load (carrying a large 8,000 pound freight container strapped underneath the aircraft) on the side of a mountain, and I browned out (that’s when the helicopter blows all the sand into the air and you just completely loose site of the ground). The best way to describe this is imagine driving down the highway with two toilet roll strapped on your eyes (night vision goggles for me), which gives you no peripheral vision and its like watching a green television screen, when all the sudden someone just completely covers your eyes and you still have to continue to drive. So in a split second you have to react because of all the obstacles around you but you keep your calm so you don’t cause the situation to become tragic. With that large of load strapped to my aircraft we are limited on power, which means if I pull up to hard and fast on the thrust (the thing that makes the helicopter go up and down) I can cause the blades to cone upward because they can not handle the weight, which will then drop the rotors speed and cause my generators to kick offline losing power to the flight control systems and my hydraulic system that is helping me fly. While this is happening I will do something called settling with power, which means you enter a descent that regardless of anything you do you will fall out of the sky and crash. Long story short, is you can’t overreact. And after a few nights, I was like holy sh@t that was nuts. I know I just gave you all a pretty long description, but like I said its hours of boredom followed by the wildest few moments pure insanity. But of course I’m just loving it, I’m learning a lot and getting better every flight. The whole browning out thing is pretty frequent, you never get use to them, but you just try your best and if its outside your comfort level you simply react slowly and get out of there. I have to send some pictures, you can see us kicking up dust upwards of 500 feet.

Winter fell upon us overnight. About a week ago I was having difficulty sleeping when I heard drops hitting my hut. It was 3am and I went outside to see rain for the fist time in 4 months. I just stood there getting wet, it was great, I missed it, the smell, everything about it. But of course later it was just cold and wet. Two days ago when I started flying during the day, I saw for the first time the snow covered mountains. It is unlike anything I have ever seen in my life, it is what I would imagine heaven to be, it is that beautiful. You would never believe there was a war in this country by just looking around at how beautiful this country is. The Afghans believe that when Allah was finished creating the world he gathered what was left threw it down, and that was Afghanistan. It is a rugged terrain, but just breathtaking.

I have really settled down. I received a nice complement from one of my senior soldiers noticing that I seem relaxed lately. I feel like I’m interacting with soldiers much better lately. It’s nice because that means a lot to me, of course I’m always a little bit of an outsider amongst the other officers, I tend to keep to myself, but we all get along really well. So that’s good. My mother sent me some Christmas decorations. I have my little Charlie brown tree in my room and some lights. She even sent me some gifts. Remember when you were younger and you were so excited to get gifts on Christmas morning, and every once in a while you got like socks or underwear and you had to pretend you were happy even though you were just ready to rip into the next real gift? Well let me tell you people, me Madre got me some socks and underwear and I swear it was like I just struck oil or something, I was so excited. I think I’ll be able to use this story with my son when he complains about getting socks, I can say we’ll when I was in Afghanistan I would have killed for some nice socks, and of course I walked to school in the snow uphill both ways. But honestly my life has been reduced to the excitement of putting new socks on my feet which just felt sooooo good. So ya, I got that going for me.

Kate is doing well. The baby is doing well. She sent some pics, but I have no idea what the hell I'm looking at, so I just assume all the parts and pieces are in the right places. She’s really been amazing, always positive, just an extremely impressive person. I still have my occasional anxiety attacks, and I hyperventilate now and again, but I think I’m coming to realize that there are just moments in life, good and bad, that you can’t really plan for, they happen and how you deal with them is what really defines you. So of course I’m still nervous, but I’m trying really hard to follow in my friends footsteps and keep things positive. To be honest, lately I simply try to focus on the most important lesson I’m learning over here, that there will be hard times ahead, I stress out about having a son, getting the right job, paying the rent or mortgage, but you know what, I’ll be alive. No son of bitch trying to knock you out of the sky. If I can just remember that lesson, everything else just seems I don’t know, not as hard. I think of the soldiers I have watched travel down the street in caskets and just think that these hero’s never got to know life again without war, never will see there wife’s, children, and families again, they gave their lives for their country, but lost whatever their lives may have become. If I have that chance, to come home, to see all of you, to have a son in my life, I will not dishonor those who died here by stressing out, when it comes down to it the things that are not all that important. I feel like I owe it to them to make the best out of my life, I can’t explain it, it’s like whether the rest of my life is a success or a failure it will still be gravy. Probably doesn’t make sense does it?

Ignore the Man Behind the Curtian

I am getting to the point where you can actually see my belly moving when the baby is moving. It gets pretty freaky, especially when Bean is in a really rambunctious mood. Kinda reminds me of jello. Watching my stomach has become a favorite thing for my family to do. Well, besides Lizzy, who finds my exposed belly horrifying. The other night Emily, Rebecca, Mom and I decided to see if we could get it on film. It took us a long time. The many videos that came before this one are hysterical. Be patient. You will see him move (right above my belly button), then Rebecca exclaims 'Holy shit' and then I start laughing like crazy. Ignore that part. Also ignore that my belly looks obscenely large. Pretend its not part of my body, that makes it a little better.

To Snip the Tip

I have been thinking a lot about circumcision. This is the first boy in our immediate family and my expertise in baby penis is quite limited. The whole thing has got me concerned. I think for the most part boys are circumcised in the US. Going with that logic, I would hate to see our little man look any different or cause any unnecessary anxiety in the locker room. However, putting my child, before he has the will to say otherwise, through a unnecessary surgery has got me all bothered.

So, I have been reading up on it and ashamed to admit googling it with Becca and Em. To my surprise, circumcision has been dwindling in the US. According to the National Center for Health Statistics, 65% of all newborn boys are circumcised in the US. Some parents are opting to leave their baby boys Au Nauturale because there are no medical benefits for the child. Some argue that it is socially or culturally necessary but there is no proven medical necessity.

I am going to rest this decision on Terry's very capable sholders. He is the one with the penis and has a much stronger opinion on this than I do. No ifs, ands, or buts, he thinks circumcise. Ultimately, Bean is a boy and will love his penis no matter what we decide to do with it. But I am definitely going to leave this for Daddy.

Things your Mom didn't Tell You - Part 2

Pregnancy affects every part of the body. I didn't take that seriously because how could it possibly be true. Well, I guess I should have taken their word for it because I can't see. No, seriously, my vision has gotten about twelve times worse. I have glasses that I use for driving sometimes. Very rarely did I use them. All of a sudden I need my glasses almost every time I get into the car and at night especially. It is like my whole world has gone fuzzy. I asked Dr. Diaz about it at my last appointment. Wouldn't you know, blurred vision is a symptom. She said I could go get my eyes checked but there would be no point because my vision will go back to normal post-baby.

I am getting bigger by the second now. These last few months are the biggest growth months for the baby. At my last Dr's appointment they estimated him to be about 3.5 lbs. I would like him to be about 7.5 lbs. That's a lot of weight for a little man. The more he grows, the more I grow. Unfortunately, this results in the Itchy Belly syndrome. I am guessing it is because my skin is stretching. My belly itches like crazy. No matter how much moisturizer I put on, it still itches. I think I could lather myself all day long and still be itchy.

Hayley asked me if it was weird when I felt him move. Yes, it is weird in an amazing I have no control over my body kind of way. I love feeling him move. I am totally distracted and engrossed by it. However, I am not so attached when he kicks my ribs. It can be quite uncomfortable. He gets all under there and I feel like I have to push him down or puff out my chest to make room. I am having a hard time describing it. But it has been, by far, the most frustrating part of pregnancy for me. It is very difficult to get comfortable when you have a foot in between your ribs. I am sure there will be plenty more unforeseen joys of pregnancy to come.

Holy Craziness

Here's the sonogram picture of our little man with placenta in his face. I originally thought it looked like his eye was open but its not. The eyelid is so thin that you can see through it. You can clearly see his nose, mouth, and chipmunk cheeks. We are debating if that looks like hair on his head or not. The rest of the stuff by his face is placenta (or we can pretend a fluffy cloud pillow). The one to the right is his foot. I circled it. 5 Toes!!!! I am so in love that he is well developed already!! He really looks like a baby.

I am so sorry that I was unable to post all of this sooner. The Internet at work has been down and that is my primary location of blogging. Then this morning was full swing at our house. The addition is fully underway and our house has become a man-haven. Too bad this isn't a detachable bump cause we all know how I love construction workers. There was much excitement as the deck went flying into the dumpster and framing began. I will post baby suite pictures as soon as I am around to see the addition in the day light. So, so excited!!!

Beautiful, Beautiful Boy

YES!!!! Its confirmed. Still a boy!!! I saw your penis!!!! Yeah!!! I swear I will never get over seeing him. I could watch him for days. So, this DVD was a little more grainy then the other one and unfortunately there is no elevator music. But he is growing bigger and bigger and looking far less skeletal then last time. Despite short notice, both Grandma's were able to make the appointment and both agree: He's beautiful.

Video One: Bean decided to have his face right up against the placenta so it made it difficult to get a full on 3D picture. But she did try. First recognizable thing are his arm bones. Then, the orangey colored images are the 3D face profile ones. The last orange one that she zooms in on is the face picture that is really good. He's got these puffy little cheeks and this pouty mouth. I think it is definitely Terry's mouth/chin and my nose. Considering he's got a face full of placenta, I think he's pretty darn cute.

Video Two: The first black spot is the stomach, which she labels. Then, she labels the bladder. You can see the ribs and spine pretty good. She fiddles around by his legs for a while. A good look of the feet and legs. Back up to the face profile to try and do another 3D. Which is kinda scary but that because of the placenta. Then, the money shot. She goes back down to the legs and gets a good pause at his man parts!! She even points at his little penis. (Sorry Bean!! I promise I won't ever post pictures of your penis when your born.)

Video Three: This one starts off with the profile. You can get a great look at the heart beating. But the coolest part is with this mouth. He starts doing this sucking, nuzzling, thing. She points out his tongue with the yellow pointer. He wasn't moving his body so he was probably sleeping. I find it so amazing that he is already preparing for life outside of me. After she moves away from the face, you can see the legs all curled up. Totally my long legs. Then she pauses on a pretty clear image of a foot. Right before the end she gets a good listen of the heart rate. Which is strong and steady!!! She estimated him to be about 3 lbs 6 oz. He has to cook for another 4 more pounds until I'm happy.

So, what do you think?! Did you make any of that out or is it all muddled images? I will post the pictures tomorrow!!! Yeah for the bean!!!

Seeing Blue

Rebecca made me this cake after we found out bean was officially a boy. I came home from work and there was this cake, blue icing and all. I always thought it was a boy for some reason. Many other people did too. But I can't say I wasn't roped into all the old wives tales. No morning sickness - boy. Carrying high - boy. Fast heart rate - girl. Chinese astrology - boy. Craving OJ - girl. I kept a tally to reassure myself. Whenever someone would ask me I would tell them all I wanted was a healthy baby. But truth is...I wanted a boy.


At first, I didn't want to know. You only get so many surprises in life and this is one of the last greats. I wanted to be disciplined and patient. Some say that it makes labor easier because you have something to look forward to. Yeah, I couldn't do it. I needed to know. I became too impatient. I wanted to know who was growing inside my body. I wanted to pick out boy clothes, overalls, button down shirts and corduroy pants. I'm sick of Barbies. I want some Tonka Trucks!!


There were several sonograms that I had where I should have found out but bean never cooperated. He was always turned in a weird direction so we couldn't see the goods. I went for this mega sonogram on September 29th. Mom looked at the technician and said "We are not leaving here until you tell us its a boy." So much for pressure. At one point the two techs were talking to one another "Can you confirm XY?" I almost peed myself right there on the table but was still holding out to make sure. When confirmation was given, all of us in the room started tearing.

I haven't had a sonogram since then. I have been dreaming of girl stuff lately. Its freaking me out. I referred to him as a her the other day. Convincing myself that I just said her because I am always surrounded by women. I have to go to the doctors every two weeks. I want her to do another sono. I need to see him again and make sure all his man parts are there. Finally, I worked up the courage to ask her if I was going to get another sonogram. She is going to squeeze me into her schedule tonight!!!! I will let you know how it goes. I think I am even getting another DVD. I cannot wait to see our baby boy again. I am so excited. He is not even here yet and I am already obsessing.

Bump Watch

Here are some pics from the weekend:

The one to the left is from Thanksgiving.
The one to the right is an extremely attractive pic of me in my pajamas. Rebecca insists on humiliating me whenever possible.

And the one with my sisters is to prove that I don't look pregnant all of the time. Most of the time I just look bloated and fat. We are Christmas Tree cutting by the way.

Officially 29 weeks (6 months 2 weeks) people!!! Only 11 weeks to go!!!

Words of Hope

This Thanksgiving I have much to be thankful for. There have been so many people that have written me with words of hope and praise that I want to share them with you. I am going to leave out their names to keep it anonymous but the response has been overwhelming for me. I cannot begin to thank everyone for standing by me during this difficult time. Hopefully this will be as emotional for you as it is for me everyday. Then again it could be the hormones....

"there are so many friends from whom this would have been the scariest email in the world, but i can't even begin to tell you how much I think you will be the most amazing mother, and that I have every confidence that you are as prepared now to do so as you would be in ten years. I am so goddamn proud of you for making this decision, and I'm so excited to see a pregnant belly, and (in a few months) a beautiful baby boy. I've watched two sisters navigate motherhood with tremendous success, and I've watched the way it has changed their lives in the most amazing and extraordinary ways. I have no doubt that it will do the same for you (although you're pretty amazing and extraordinary as you are). Again, I think you are making such a strong and self-less and brave decision, and also one that will bring a tremendous amount of joy into your life."

"I am so happy for you. If someone asked me, of everyone I've known, who could handle this? Undoubtedly, unhesitatingly, I would say you. I think motherhood can only make you an even more amazing and capable woman than I already think you are."

"We are all exactly where we are supposed to be in God's plan for us. At age 71, I can look back and see that out of every difficult and discouraging time in my life (and like all others, there have been many) something good came from it.. It's very difficult to muster up the faith in this truth, but I feel blessed for every part of my life..good and bad. It's all been a valuable learning experience."

"Having our son was the best thing I've ever done in my life - and he continues to be the biggest source of joy and pride I have - so get ready for a crazy ride, but a wonderful one. All my love to you and your eensy one."

"i know this will probably be one of the hardest things you'll ever have to go through, but i know you can do it Kate. you are such a strong, independent woman & i know you know that. & you will always have a support group/fan club of your family & friends that includes me, of course :)"

"Whenever I go through something difficult, I always tell myself...I am not the only person that has gone through this, there are plenty of other people who have gone through it and end up totally happy in the end. The reason they end up happy is because they chose to take control of their lives and their lives alone. Whatever decision you make about this child, make the best decision for you and your body. Make the choice to be happy no matter what, regardless of how crappy it feels now. You WILL get through this, there is no question in my mind. This is going to be a long road Kate, and you are going to need to hold onto who you are and who you always have been. The strong, brave, smart, funny, happy, beautiful woman you are. There are going to be bumps like this and you just need to get over them. You have me, and I am sure everyone else, behind you every step of the way."

Thank you so much everyone for being my backbone and filling my life with affirmations that I can do this. I can't even begin to tell you how your love and support has made my burden a little lighter and gets me from day to day when the world gets hard. I can only hope that my little bean has a support system as plentiful and strong as my own. From the bottom of my heart, Thank you. I would be truly lost without all of you.

Episiotomy, oh, Episiotomy How I Dread Thee

I bought Terry a book entitled So, You're going to Be a Dad. I thought it would be nice for him to get a comical view fatherhood from a man's perspective. Before I sent it off, I decided that I would read it so I wouldn't be a hypocrite. You know, telling him he should be doing something when I didn't. So, I read it. Well, kind of. I read most of it. Until I got to the labor and birth part.

With my growing belly comes growing anxiety about childbirth. I try not to think about it because there is nothing I can do about it. But sometimes that doesn't cut it and I get nervous. I am pretty good with pain so I don't stress over my ability to handle the pain part too much and if I can't handle it there always is the blessed epidural. Knowing that my body was designed to give birth and that women have been birthing babes for eons makes me a little less nervous. But every day closer to my due date the anxiety about the whole hospital situation mounts. Especially, what is going to become of my vagina? I happen to like my vagina and would like it to stay intact.

In this book, he said that his wife needed 57 stitches for her episiotomy. Nightmares!!! Nightmares for days on reading that. An episiotomy is a procedure where they cut the vagina to make the opening bigger and prevent tearing. If you cut off your finger I don't think you would need 57 stitches. I am going to pretend that the author said that just to freak the males out. Or give them some kind of perspective on the pain. Because honestly, I think you could remove my entire vagina with 57 stitches. Again, just thinking about it will give me nightmares for days.

I am hoping and praying that my endorphins kick in and I don't remember the pain part. When I see parents running around with 2, 3, 5 kids I reassure myself that they chose to do this more than once. If it was really that bad, wouldn't they have stopped at one?! At this point, I will tell myself anything to get me through.

Things of the Past

I got to see a dear old friend from high school the other night. She brought me this adorable baby gift that screams of her talents and creativity. Its a bouquet of bath toys and pacifiers. How cute is that?!?!

I haven't spoken to Bree in years. I think we all lose track of time when life is moving so quickly. I was taken back with how grown up she looked, professional, polished. I don't think I have ever looked so put together in my entire life. What struck me was how connected I felt to her but came to realize I have no idea who she has become. I was seeing the person I knew. A person I spent countless hours with all throughout childhood. But with years of maturity separating us, do I really know Bree now or is it the image of the person I used to know that I associate with?

I think I have changed a lot since high school. I am a mere reflection of the person I was then. However, I think the people that have known me since high school see me as the same person. Because they were present for the small life happenings that slowly changed my personality. They see all of the pieces that make up the whole and don't differentiate between the person I was in 2000 compared to who I am in 2007.

Recently, I have found more and more people are regarding me differently. I got pregnant so now I am a changed person. The thing is, I don't feel any different. Sure, physically I am changing. Emotionally, I might be gearing up for this new addition in my life. But I don't think my personality has change one iota. I would still love to go out, get all worked up over stupid boys, and stumble my way home. I just can't. But that doesn't mean I don't want to. I am positive that this tiny person coming into my life will change me. But he isn't here yet and I don't feel changed. I might be thinking very different things but I still feel like the same person I always was. With every new stage of my life, I adjust and move on. That is all I am doing. Adjusting to this new situation to the best of my ability and moving forward.

Whats in a Name?

I have been having trouble with names. I don't want to name the bean before I see him but to prevent him not having a name for weeks while Terry and I fight over it I think we should have a few favorites picked out. We have to decide on something that bean is going to live with forever. For those of you who know Terry and I, we are definitely on opposite ends of the spectrum. Terry insists that all my names are down home southern country boys. I believe that Terry's names are boarding school preppy kids. Dilemma, much.

I wanted to post some of our favorites and see what everyone else thinks. I also added nicknames, meanings, and stereotypes from this book I have. We still have a few months to decide but honestly it might take that long. I am going to add a polled so that you can vote on your favorite. We'll see which name wins before I pop.

Aidan - gaelic, little fire. A sensitive , caring guy who's always a good listener. People think his laid back manner and outgoing ways make him fun to be around. Physically, he's pictured as handsome and strong.

Dylan - welsh, God of the sea. A rare breed who's funny yet dependable. People think of Dylan as a cheerful, playful guy, but also loyal and caring. They say this light-eyed looker is always smiling.

Finn (maybe Finnian) - gaelic, little fair one. There's never a dull or quiet moment when Finn is around. People find this name fit for a gregarious, cheerful Irishman who has a great sense of humor as well as a short temper. Whether he owns a pub or works some blue collar job, he's said to be loud and fun loving. Not surprisingly, Finn is imagined with freckles and red hair.

Ethan - english, stong and firm. More of a listener than a talker. People consdier him to be reserved, compassionate, and down to earth. They say he's handsome, but can be a little mousy at times.

Jackson (Jack) - hebrew, God is gracious. A cutie, but friends adore him for his personality. Jackson is thought to be good-looking, kind, and smart. People imagine he's outgoing and popular as well as musically gifted.

Lucas (Luke) - greek. Sneaky but in a good way. Some people see him as a mischievous joker who's tall, dark, and smart. They say he loves to have fun, but he's also honest and kind. Other people, however, believe he's a quiet and brooding artist.

Wesley - english, western meadow. Full of personality, and he likes to share it. He's seen as a vibrant, popular, and amusing guy who's as smart as he is kind. He's most likely lanky with light-brown hair. Some people say this hard worker is eager to please, but others describe his as a bit of a showoff.

Wyatt - english, brave, stong, little warrior. Wyatt Earp became a legend at the OK Corral, and his image lives on. Wyatt is said to be brave, rugged Westerner who's tough and mean. People believe he's handsome, quiet, and intelligent.