Pink Positives

June 9th, 2008 - Wyatt is 4 months old today!! I have officially made it past my breast feeding goal. I wanted to make it to three months, God willing six. Breast feeding has gotten increasingly easy. I love not having to heat bottles in the middle of the night but what I love more is feeling needed, close, and warm to my son. If it wasn't creepy I would feed him until he's three. Instead, I am going to run for the hills once teeth appear. He has already bitten me one too many times to chance it.

June 9th, 2007 - I was in Rebecca's apartment in Astoria getting ready to go out for the night. Tucked in my overnight bag was the third in a series of pregnancy tests I had been taking. I was suppose to get my period at the end of May, inciting panic when I didn't, and full on terror around this time June. I was never late. The previous two pregnancy tests were positive. I had stopped drinking already but refused to acknowledge to myself that I was pregnant. It couldn't possibly be true. Utter disbelief is putting it mildly. Anyway, while getting ready I snuck off in the bathroom to take number three. Third times a charm, right? I wrapped the third pink plus sign in the CVS bag, threw it out in the kitchen, and returned to Rebeccas room to finish straightening my hair. It was like a bowling ball lodged itself in my esophagus. With four glasses of wine down, Rebecca was in rare form, chatting lively, bad mouthing men, and openly discussing her quarter life crisis. I remember staring at myself in the mirror thinking "You have to tell someone to make this a reality." I didn't even turn around mumbling "I kind of have a problem". Rebecca responded with "What? You're pregnant?" My silence told her the answer.

That is what started the long journey that lead us here. Once I digested the information myself, I slowly started telling family then friends. One by one. The process took me months. There was a lot of secret keeping, planning, fantasizing, and therapy. It was a hard time but one that I look back on with a kind of giddiness. In hindsight, I know that all the confusion, torment, and frustration led to something, someone amazing. It was all so very worth it.