Everyone told me of this immense love that would come pouring out of me when Wyatt was born and I believe that's true. I didn't know I was capable of loving someone so much and what I feel for him is unlike any other love I have experienced. However, they all failed to mention that immense love also comes with its friends: terrified, doubt, over protective, and inadequate.I don't mean to sound negative because I am totally in love with being a mom but most of the time I am tormented with worry. I have nightmares about SIDS, or that he is going to choke, or I am going to drop him. I am doubtful of my capabilities as a mother. Sometimes I don't feel as though I am doing enough for him. That when I take 5 minutes of his awake time to check my email, or that I will be a working mom, that makes me a bad mother. I want to be there for him all the time, every time, and when I am not I feel like I have failed him. How in the hell am I going to go back to work?! I think what worries me the most are if his emotional and intellectual needs are being met. Seriously, he's a genius but I always feel as though I could be doing more, engaging him more, talking to him more. Although, I have been known to narrate my day. I am not even going to go into the protective momma bear that has reared its ugly head within me overnight. Mess with my kid and I will kung-fu your ass to China. Who knew I could be so aggressive?
Motherhood is difficult. Well, duh. Maybe she did warn me a little about that. I find myself relying on the praise of others recently. That little affirmation from other moms that I am doing a good job because I don't know how to base my own progress. I never have been one to rely on others opinions but lately I relish compliments and kind words. This is uncharted territory for me. But truly, parenthood is really difficult. I guess I always assumed that it would be like some switch and I would become this super mom that knew everything. It doesn't happen like that. Its a learning process just like everything else in life.A side note: I wrote this post with my laptop on my knees and Wyatt cradled in my lap sleeping. He is having a "Put me down and I'll scream" day. I never thought that I would be able to type with two hands, comfort a baby, and think all at the same time. Maybe I am finally getting the 8% of my brain back, although I doubt it.
4 comments:
Dear Kate, I wish I could assure you that things will all fall into place as far as being a mother is concerned, but I don't think that's true for anyone. Motherhood is a continual learning experience, a rollercoaster ride and like diving into the dark and just having faith. You are a wonderful, amazing mother, anyone seeing you an Wyatt could see that even if they didn't know you. He is amazingly healthy and happy. There are lots of fears and challenges along the way... but you are up to the task! All of us are behind you to give you any help and guidance you may want or need. Go with your instincts.... you have good ones! God Bless you! love, Auntie De
Do not doubt who and what you are ever! you are true and courageous and wonderful and your son is a reflection of that!!! Be fearless , thats the Kate I know and love . Wyatt is beautiful happy and content ... you complete him. love you Auntie De
Seriously, I keep saying that it the deep dark secret that having children is INSANELY difficult. No one really lets on just how hard it is. When you have twins, neglect is sort of sewn into the seam of motherhood, as it is difficult to take care of the needs of two at once. So I always feel like I am not doing enough, playing enough, engaging enough, caring enough, loving enough. I never did tummy time. I would put them on their tummys and they would look like little turtles wanting to turn over and I would scoop them up and cuddle them instead.
I wish there were a switch, liek you said, and I too tought that this whole insticnt thing and all that would just kick in. But it takes time. There are still moments when i am, for example, at a friend's house with them and they will cry and it takes me a few seconds to remember wow, they are mine and I need to take care of them.
But you are doing a great job because I sincerely believe if you are even thinking about it, wondering what you are doing and if what you are doing is right, then you are on the right track. Complacency doesn't make a good mother. And you are far from complacent!
Kate...havent been able to write u lately. but try to read your blog on a regular basis. you seem like u are handling everything great. and he is gorgeous by the way!!!
the same thing happened to me...so nervous that i wasnt doing the right thing or that i would make a mistake and people would think i was a bad mom....u learn as u go & with a mom so full of love for her baby like u & with a family that adores this baby as much as yours do.....u cant go wrong.
hugs & kisses to u all...
Cousin Jennifer
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