Blondies at the Barbie

Zzzzzz

I can't sleep.  No, stratch that.  I don't think I will ever sleep again.  Ever.  I don't have trouble falling asleep, its the staying asleep that gets me.  Its 3am.  We had a busy day.  I should be asleep, but alas, I'm not.  I fell asleep putting Wyatt to bed (which how could I not?  He's so cuddly and soothing and sleepy...drool) only to wake up for NO APPARENT reason.  Then not being able to fall back asleep, I give in and head into the artificial light of the night.  I think it is safe to say that I haven't had a full 8 hours of sleep since I was pregnant.  Thats about 3 years ago.  I have always been a light sleeper but this is ridiculous.

All I can think of is that it is just so flipping ironic.  Wyatt is FINALLY sleeping through the night.  From 9:30pm till 8am.  And I am STILL getting up.  Is there no justice in the world?!?!  Sometimes I lay awake watching him sleep.  He's so angelic and peaceful.  Then I slowly get jealous. Sometimes I contemplate waking him up just so I won't be lonley.  That idea is quickly stratched.  I really don't think there is anything worse then being awake when all you want to do is be asleep.

Medication has been suggested. But how could I possible take sleeping pills?  Yes, I guess that would work for me but is that really the best choice for Wyatt.  What if he needs me during the night and I can't wake up?  I can't be drowsy during the day.  Plus, I am pretty hesitant to take medication anyway.  So, no.  Pills are not my solution.

I know my naysayers are saying "Move that child into another bed."  Wyatt is not the problem.  Yes, he rolls around a little but nothing dramatic.  I have been (mildly) trying to get him in his own bed.  I thought that Rebecca could put him to sleep upstairs in his potential new room under the guise of a fun sleepover with his aunt.  It lasted 30 minutes before he told Auntie B that the sleepover was over and he wanted to go back downstairs. So much for my well laid plans.  I'm not really motivated to move him.  He is starting school soon. I am hesitant to throw too many new things at him at once.  And (am I allowed to admit this) I am going to be sad to see him go.  I will never have this time with him again.  And I am not sure, if I have another child, that co-sleeping will be an option under different circumstances.  I enjoy having him close to me.  He is a cuddlier and I am more than happy to oblige.  He is my baby and I will always be there if he needs me.

I guess I am just going to have to tough it out and pray for some relief soon.  Catch up on my DVR and Netflix.  Maybe join Wyatt for his hour long naps.  Invest in some delicious, irresistible coffee.  Relish in the quiet at 4am.  Moonlight as a phone sex operator.  Who knows?

New Haircut, aka, My First Mohawk

Wyatt One Liners - The Bathroom Edition

We are at a Mets game with Gammy, Pa, Auntie B, Wyatt and I.  Gammy had attempted to get us a round of beers and came back empty hands to a chorus of groans and sighs.
"I didn't know everyone got carded?!?" She said exasperated.
"What?!" Wyatt chimes in.  "Everyone gets farted?  I didn't know everyone gets farted!"
He had the people sitting around us laughing with that one.

Pa and Wyatt are sitting in the bathroom together. After about 10 minutes, I decide to check to make sure everything is ok.  Before I can get over the threshold Wyatt looks up saying, "Mom, you better get out of here. Its going to get stinky."

Gammy asks if Wyatt needs to go pee or poop. "I'm doing a little pee-pees, a little tootles, and a little farts."

After a unusually long bathroom session with Wyatt, I go to flush the toilet and see the largest man-sized poop I have ever seen.  "Woah!  Wyatt those are some big poo-poos"
"Don't flush it!!!  I want Gammy and Pa to see."
As he runs out of the room to get them he's yelling "It's a whopper.  Gammy!  Pa!  I did a whopper!" 

On our way home from camping we have to make a pit stop because Wyatt announced he had to go poo-poos.  We stopped at a pizza joint and I took him to the bathroom.  After about 30 minutes in the bathroom, I asked him what was the matter.  "The poo-poos are too big for my butt."  We ended up staying at the pizza place for close to 2 hours before giving in to performance anxiety in a new place.  When we got home, he ran straight to the bathroom and pooped.

Wyatt was giving a shot at peeing standing up.  It wasn't going as well as planned.  He hit the toilet, and then the seat, and then the floor, and then my leg, and finally himself before I picked him up and put him in the bathtub.  I tend to think he did it on purpose because he was getting a huge reaction out of me.  Once in the tub and he was watching me clean up he says "Don't worry.  Don't panic.  It's going to be OK."

Step Aside, Brad Pitt

30 Months

Bud,

The summer is flying by in a blur of hazy, hot, and humid.  When we can motivate to get out of our air conditioned room, we have been venturing down to the beach so you can wade and cool off.  Our block has become a Camp (including you there are 8 kids under 10 and thats just the crew that lives here), racing bikes, playing catch, miniature daredevils on skateboards.  Its a total free-for-all and you love it.  There are days when we are super motivated and days that we are lazy and in pajamas until 4.  I'd like to think we are striking a good balance.  But then I remember I haven't done laundry in about a month and am resorting to pizza at least 3 times a week for lunch or dinner.  When school starts, I am sure we will fall into a more rigid routine but for now I am relishing our laziness. 

We went to "Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs" last night at TR park.  It was a gorgeous night with the wind blowing in from the water.  We packed some popcorn, toys, and your camping chair to meet Michael, Jessie, and the gang.  You watched maybe 20 minutes of the movie before finding this tiny patch of dirt and throwing your chair in the "mud".  Then it was broken and needed to be taken to the repair shop.  Once you moved it to the "repair shop", the tools were lost in the big truck that was parked off to the side.  Then you had to ask each one of us for a wrench before declaring it fixed then throwing it back in the mud; starting the process all over again.  You talked and talked and talked.  Sometimes to Michael and sometimes to no one in particular.  You just talked to hear yourself talk.  You do this all the time now.  You play out this big stories and rub your hands together when you get excited.  I think there is so much going on in your head that it has to manifest itself somewhere else, usually wringing your hand and sometimes sound effects. Sometimes you like for me to play, "Vroom this truck, Mom." And other times your content to let me just sit and watch.

We trucked it down to Jen's to play in her pool on one beautiful day.  You LOVE the water so I thought you would have a blast laying around in the pool all day.  We also made a stop at Toys R Us.  I figured if buying you a new toy would allow me some much needed girl time with Jen, it would be worth it.  You found this Lego Duplo Truck thing that you promptly fell in love with and are now OBSESSED.  Like must know where the crane is at all times obsessed. You went into the pool for about 5 minutes before asking to get out so you could play with your new truck.  We were at Jen's house for a good 6 hours and you played with your new Lego's for the entire time.  I am pretty positive that Santa is going to bring you a lot of Lego's for Christmas.  I was hoping to hold off on the more expensive Lego adventure but it seems like you have hit that stage early.  Not surprising.

You also had your first adventure in "sail boating" this month.  Eric had invited us and finally the stars aligned that we were all free on Saturday.  I couldn't pass it up.  I was mildly nervous about you falling in the water so I made you wear your life jacket the entire time.  It took you a little time to get your sea legs and once you did, you really loved it.  I kept on trying to get you interested in watching the sails, or manning the tiller with Eric, or watching the water and other boats go by.  But you were more concerned that the flashlights worked in the cabin.  Or eating all the M&M's that I packed.  When we got home Gammy said she thought you have done more in your 2 years then some have done in their lives.  It just might be true.

You have been having a little separation anxiety lately.  I'm not sure if it's even separation anxiety.  It might just be a terrible two moment.  I'm not sure.  But you hate to see me leave.  Normally, I could give you a kiss goodbye.  "Where you going, Mom?" "I'm going to work, Bud.  I'll be back when you wake up from your nap." And you were fine with that.  Now, when you see me getting ready you start tailing me.  If I put on my shoes, its 20 questions.  I was leaving for work last Sunday and you starting cry so hard you gave yourself a bloody nose.  I caved.  I brought you with me.  I know it sets a bad precedent, you are going to think that if you cry enough I'll bring you.  I just couldn't stand it and I have a job that is OK with me bringing you.  Mrs. Spink, the woman who runs the church nursery, was thrilled.  You were perfectly well-behaved once we got there and was my little helper.  It was weird and out of character.  I am sure its just a phase.  And I'm just a little bit...well....um....content about it all.  Its hard to admit.  But as hard as it is for me to see you cry, it is kinda nice to see how attached you are to me.  Some reciprocity for how attached I am to you. It makes me think that you hate leaving me as much as I hate leaving you.

I love you everyday,
Mom - this is a new development.  "Mom"  I was always your "Momma" in that cute little baby voice and now, when you want something, you yell "Mom!"  You sit in your car seat just yelling "Mom" over and over because you know I can't get to you.  You think its funny.  I like "Momma" better.

The Great Outdoors

Mr. Blue Eyes

The "river" outside our tent.

Just sharing a log seat with Dad in the river.

On the top of the rock slide.  He didn't want me taking a picture of him.  I told him I was taking pictures of the clouds.  He was staring me down to see if I actually was.

Birthday Introspective

Dear Kate,

You turned 10,220 days old on the 19th.  Which seems like a very large, assuming number to be alive on this planet.  There is a lot of things you can do with 10,000+ days.  But it has come and past.  And you're still alive, still breathing, still loving life.  See?  It wasn't that scary.  So, what do you have to say for yourself?

First thing is you don't feel 28.  You just don't.  The minute you popped out that gorgeous baby, time has stood still and you began counting your life in Wyatt years rather then Kate years.  Each year that number gets higher and higher and you still feel like 25.  The only thing that whips you out of this senility is when you have to tell someone that Wyatt is 2 and a half.  Then you have to shake your head saying, "Wait a minute." Then begin counting on your fingers how old you actually might be.  I can only imagine that it is going to get worse; getting to a point where you look at your old self in the mirror asking "who the hell is that?"

I think you should be proud of yourself.  Even though, right now while your writing this letter to your older then 28 self, you don't feel very proud.  You feel that the overall outcome of those 10,000+ days doesn't amount to much.  That you still feel unfinished as a person.  And unaccomplished in your career. And very isolated and incapable in your love life.  That the light of your potential has dimmed somewhat.  That your drive, creativity, and passion has been dulled and tarnished.  That maybe you will never stop asking "what if" before jumping.

But I want you to focus not on the total sum of those 10,000+ days but rather today.  Right now.  Presently and when you read this to your older then 28 self.  How do you feel?  Everyday?

You are happy.  Period.  So, does the sum really matter?  Doesn't the happy cancel everything else out?

You wake up every morning to this angelic face saying good morning and laughing together.  Laughing before the covers have been thrown off.  Laughter instead of alarm clocks.  You have the financial savvy and the support of your parents to ALLOW you to spend time with that angel EVERYDAY.  If you want to lounge in your PJ's and he wants to run around naked all day, you can.  You get to dance and play and sing, everyday.  You get to go to the beach and watch him sit clothed in the salt water.  He says "I love you, Momma" before he falls asleep. You get to watch, participate in, and live unrestrained joy everyday.

You have parents who have shown you what true love is.  That have taught you commitment, compassion, teamwork, and sacrifice.  That taught you to take pride in yourself and your work.  Parents that love, adore, and dote on your child everyday.  That have ingrained in you to care for your loved ones no matter what.  That have given you the strength to love others with all of yourself because it does take strength. You have family that would give you their last shirt off their backs and vice versa.  A family that laughs together and takes vacations together.  A family that likes to be around each other.  Do you understand how rare that is?  You have sisters that, although you are seemingly not very close, would do anything for you and you for them.  You adore them and your life is more complete because they are in it.

You have a home.  A real home.  It might not be a house to call your own but its a home.  Filled with love and familiarity.  Filled with generations of friends that don't knock on the door and help themselves out of your chock full cabinets.  Filled with amazing memories, traditions, and every comfort you could ask for.  And people to come home to! And dinners where everyone helps to prepare a meal where you share a table.  Best of all, and a little gluttonous, you can do chores when you feel like it!

You have friends, oh God, do you have some damn good friends.  Friends that have been there for you since you were 3 and friends that you have just met and friends in between.  Friends that make Wyatt ask "Why are you laughing so much?" when your on the phone.  That inspire you.  That pick you up when your down and know the exact things to say.  Friends that you, literally, could not live without.

You have a dog, that's.....well.....um.....cute.

The point is, I know you are going to have times in your life, whether 28, 35, or 76, that you are going to feel doubtful.  Thats when I want you to drag out this letter and remind yourself that is isn't the sum total of your days that make you successful.  It isn't the checklist of life; the house, kids, marriage, career.  Its your everyday.  The everyday that make up the moments you will remember for your whole life.  The memories that fill up your days at 102 wishing that you had told yourself at 28 to take the time to burn those happy moments into your memory.  I am telling you to slow down.  To breathe.  Calm your life down.  And remember that you are happy, everyday.  That is the only thing that really matters.

Love, Kate
Ps. Thats a picture of you, at 3 months old.  You can accomplish A LOT in 10,000+ days.