The Dreaded 2-7

My birthday is coming up. On Sunday. For as long as I can remember 27 has been this scary age for me. Forget 30, it is 27 that freaks me out. I always thought that by 27 I should be settled, in career, in life, in home. In many ways, I am. And in many ways I still feel like the tethered end of a fraying rope. At first I was all, who cares about 27?!? You have a child!! One of your life goals have been completed!! But as the 19th looms closer, I have begun to panic.

I think a lot of my anxiety comes from everywhere I look, all my friends are pairing off, growing up, buying houses, getting married. And I'm still just me, single, living at my parents, with everyone always asking if I'm dating. Its like I skipped the entire first section of my SAT's and the proctor is screaming at me to go back before times up and the section is closed forever. No matter how many times I remind my proctor that I'll finish the test in MY OWN DAMN TIME, I can't help but see how she's a little bit right. Is that a totally weird analogy? I did skip a few steps in my life and now I am trying to go back and fill in the blanks. First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes a baby in the baby carriage. First comes baby, then comes what exactly?

I have had opportunities to go out and date. I try to go out, just for me, once a week. But how do you fit friends, down time, dating, etc, etc into one day a week? I'll end up meeting someone that I kinda like only to see them about once a month wherein they (or I) inevitably lose interest. I never feel like I can give 100% of myself to the dating scene when 90% of my brain is with Wyatt. And who wants to date 10% of a person. Then as Wyatt and I both age, our collective package gets more and more unattractive. Right now, I'm (cough, cough) 27, attractive, with NO stretch marks, long legged and cellulite free. Wyatt, at 17 months, is cute as can be, cuddly, warm, and loving. We are a cute combo. But as I get more gray hair and Wyatt gets more unmanageable our collective stock will plummet. Dare I say, it will be hard(er) for me to find a guy willing to take on such a package.

Stay with me on this one, its a little out there. I love to be in love. I was often quick to jump, feet first, into the 'I love you' phase of a relationship just because I like living in that world. Until now, I have always believed full heartedly that I was in love. But having Wyatt has given me a definite picture of what love is. It makes me suspect that I have never really fallen in love at all but have been doing something much more ordinary all these years. But maybe its a different type of love, the love for a child and the love for a man. The question is: how do I start a relationship with someone knowing that I will never love them as much as I love Wyatt? It doesn't seem fair.

Then there is my self-made pressures. I have always wanted children close in age. The 2 year age ideal seems perfect to me. Your in school together, can have the same friends, reach similar milestones around the same time. Lizzy and I have a 9 year difference. I left for college when she was 8. I missed out on most of her life. It wasn't until I moved back home that we began to reconnect. Going by that logic, I would need to be pregnant again pretty soon to make my 2 year age mark. That is just not realistic. I try to tell myself that it doesn't matter but sometimes I can almost hear my self-made ticking clock.

Sometimes I am content with not getting married, not having any more children, and living with Wyatt for the rest of my days but other times I think I want a partner to sit on a rocking chair with. Someone who can love me, someone who will sit and cheer at Wyatt's baseball game with me, someone who I can fart in front of. I have realized that there are some stories that don't have a beginning, middle, and end. I know I tend to live in my head and think way beyond what I should be focusing on. I am working on living in the moment without knowing what's going to happen next.