It's Not Sausage Casing Day, Today's the Day We Race!

I have been pretty down in the dumps lately. So much so that Mom asked if I was pregnant the other night because I was so emotional. Of course, this sent me into a tailspin of "No!! Wait, I'm not emotional! Why are you calling me emotional? I've been totally normal. You think I'm a failure!" Then I started crying which made me realize maybe I was being emotional. Then beyond all reason because it is physically impossible, I convinced myself that maybe I was pregnant and the only thing that could prove my insanity wrong was a EPT test. I spent $15 on the stupid test, only to see the negative, regain my sanity, shake me head and think "Shit. What just happened? You are going crazy!" All of this over the first real tears I have cried since I can't even remember when.

But I digress. There have been a lot of little things that have been on my mind that have been keeping me stressed out. Couple that with Wyatt not sleeping very well due to the never-ending cold and it keeps me in a pretty fowl mood. Or maybe its just not having a full 6 hours of sleep in over a year. But most of all, I have been feeling overwhelmingly worn out. I can deal with worn out. I have dealt with worn out. But what is different now is there seems to be no end in sight. It is like every week is finals week, with tests, restlessness, late night studying, and caffeine highs for the REST OF MY LIFE. It's the day before a big presentation everyday. It's tech/hell week every week. What makes those times bearable is the light at the end of the tunnel. Eventually, the stress will end and you can get some rest. When there is no light how do you see the end? How do you make yourself not worn out when there is no period of rest? It is totally depressing and makes me a rather snippy, unlikable person.

As soon as drowned my mom with this flood of information she asked if there was anything she could do. She already does so much and here she is offering more. Incredible. Unfortunately, I don't think this feeling is going to go away with a weekend of sleep. Because I know that if I actually did take that time all I would be doing is waiting for when I could come home and be with him. I really hate to complain because I feel like I bring most of this on myself. I am the one the feels guilty if I leave him to do something for myself. Even though I know I am a better mother when I get my required "me" time. I am the one that can't seem to let him cry it out so he will sleep through the night. Hearing him cry and not running to his side goes against every motherly instinct I have. I need to be a 26 year old sometimes but I hate being away from him. How do I prioritize relaxation when everything else seems so much more important?

My make shift solution was to read a book. I haven't made time to pick up a book since I was nursing and it is something I really enjoy. It was our routine, I would cozy up in bed with Wyatt on my chest and a book, reading until he fell asleep. I miss that. So, I thought that a book might help be carve some time for myself. Maybe while Wyatt is watching the Backyardigans trying to unwind and take a nap, I could be quietly thumbing a good book. I could do without waking in the middle of the night humming the horrendously rhymed songs from the Backyardigans (as shown in the title). I picked up the Twilight Series that I have been meaning to read for ages. Well, I am so absorbed that I have been barely able to put it down. Forget eating and emailing, laundry and dishes, I have been caught reading standing in the kitchen, for the entireity of his nap, and waiting for the attendant at the gas station. Literally, I started the book Tuesday night and am already on page 218. Instead of solving my problem, I have added another. However, I am starting regain some of my happiness already. I have to stop forgetting about "me" time. Maybe, sometime in the near future, I will put shaving my legs back on the agenda.