A Ray of Sun

Modern Technology

One thing that I never fully conceptualized about having kids is all of the stuff you need. I am very wary of what websites say are 'Must Have' items because at the end of the day baby making is an industry. Look at Bugaboo strollers for upwards of $800. Seriously, for that amount of money it should feed, diaper, and get him to sleep at night. It might be trendy but I don't need a stroller that costs more then my mattress.

One of my first posts was about a wipe warmer. I thought this was a totally frivolous purchase, totally unnecessary. However, now that I have one it is perhaps the best invention known to babydom. Changing his diaper in the middle of the night is hard enough without waking him up fully with a cold wipe. When I am out and about and need a wipe I find myself rubbing the wipe in my hands to warm it up before I use it. They need to invent a portable, on the go, wipe warmer. That would be genius.

Walking out the door is another limb consuming endeavor. I got this real practical diaper bag from Eddie Bauer, slightly manly so Terry doesn't feel like an idiot. It is usually chock full of stuff. A bottle, just in case, an extra change of clothes, maybe two, 7 toys, about 4 burp cloths, at least 2 bibs, a blanket, a hat, 5 diapers, wipes, butt paste, and a partridge in a pear tree. There is nothing sleek or slimming about a 20 pound diaper bag. But all of these things I consider essential. If we are staying for longer then a few hours add on another two bags of stuff.

I believe there is a common misconception that the more money I spend the more I love my child or the better mom I am. It is really hard not to get caught up in the madness of spending. It is hard to differentiate between something I need and something a magazine tells me I should need. I am a perfectionist, always have been. I understand that I will never be the perfect parent but I am going to try my hardest to get as close as possible. I am meticulous in the care that I provide to Wyatt. I know that publications are going to try and sell me things. They are going to target my insecurities as a parent and manipulate me into spending money I don't have. They know I will spend the money because I want to feel like a good mom; a mom that will pay top dollar for the best for my son. However, I maintain that it is my love and affection not money that makes me a good mom. It is my attention to detail and sheer devotion for Wyatt. You can't buy that.

A Taste of the Nasties

Sorry I have not been keeping up with my normal blogging speed. We have had some craziness the past few weeks but hopefully it will calm down soon and life will return to normal. Anyway, we made another trip to the doctor on Thursday for Wyatt's 6th month check up. I had to reschedule it a bunch of times with the commercial and everything. He was due for some vaccines and I didn't want him being cranky for his debut.

The numbers are in: he's a back breaking 19.5 lbs and 28 inches long. To put it in perspective, I was a year old weighing 20 lbs, 27 inches and was walking. He might be a bruiser but he doesn't look the part. He is really long. He has the cute chubby baby belly and mandatory double chin but is proportioned. He is doing fabulous. The Dr's were very impressed that he hasn't been sick yet. Ear infections are a right of passage around this age and he has been unbelievably healthy. Cross your fingers.

I have been doing tons of research on vaccinations. I like to keep myself informed and aware of what I am injecting my son with. It is a scary world with not enough research done. After doing all my reading, I came up with my own schedule. Thankfully, our Dr is content to allow me to make the choice. As they said, "It's your son and your decision." I am very grateful that I have doctors like that. The bonafide Kate Vaccine Schedule is only one at a time, limit or eliminate aluminum and mercury containing shots, and he is only vaccinated against diseases that are more dangerous then the vaccine side effects. For example, polio does not exist in our country so he does not need the vaccine until he begins traveling or until he starts pre-school. Meanwhile, whooping cough is common, contagious, and harmful to infants so he will get that shot. I took me a while to get this all down so don't feel bad if I lost you. I have researched and weighed every vaccine; the side effects, the disease itself, the potential hospitalizations, the reactivity, the brands, etc.

I wish that someone cued me into reading about vaccines when I was pregnant and had all this free time on my hands. No one had mentioned anything about it. Then as my legs were in stirrups, giving birth, and the nurse asked me about giving Wy his first Hep B shot. Is that really necessary? At 5 minutes old? In my opinion, I don't think so.

Now that I have it figured out, we have gotten back on track to getting fully immunized by 5 years old. This last doctors visit Wy got a DTap shot. Funny story: Rebecca was holding her ears waiting for Wyatt is start crying as I am holding him down. Wyatt did not cry at all. I didn't even realize the Dr had given it to him. Unfortunately, over the weekend, he had a mild reaction. He has been fussing beyond anything I have witnessed from him before. He will be smiling one moment and crying the next. He is not happy playing, eating, or sleeping. He has reverted back to bad sleeping habits, needing to be rocked, and sometimes moans or cries in his sleep.

I tend to blame most of this on the shot but he also popped a bright white bottom tooth on Saturday so maybe it is more of the teething/shot combination. When I got a good look in his mouth (truly an art form with trying to hold down his bottom lip, push back his tongue, and search with a flashlight) it looked like he was getting another one right next to the first. Two teeth in two days. I would probably be nasty too. I guess I am getting a glimpse of how normal babies behave. Thankfully, teething with pass. As soon as I can get a picture of his crooked tooth I will post it.

My Pride and Joy

Princess Tickle Wave

Tuesday was one of the longest, most adrenaline filled days I have experienced in a while. I had a blast doing it but don't think I would be able to hack it everyday. The long hours, unpredictability, and the potential of sudden chaos could wear on a person. I will bring Wyatt on more auditions but I would want to space out his days of shooting.

The shoot was in a residential area in suburban NJ. Upon finding the street, we were met with several large white trucks lining the road, two policemen, two RV campers, lights, director chairs, and people running in every direction. "Well, that's not intimidating" were Rebeccas comforting words of wisdom that motivated me to keep on driving. We circled the block a few times, I took a few deep breaths, and proceeded to join the pandemonium.

I believe there is some saying about never working with animals and children. This commercial contained both. The premise of our vignette was mom, daughter, and infant son going for a walk. They reach home and their family cat is in the picture window, waving at them. Little girl waves back. Mom smiles at the overwhelming love for her family pet. Cut to the kitchen. Little girl and cat sit on stools waiting to be fed by mom who clearly loves to shop at Walmart because of their amazing prices on her favorite premium pet food.

Once they finally needed me on set the director took one look at me with all of my piercings and said "Get rid of all of those. We want a mother not a gypsy." The little girl, who was playing my daughter, told her mother to leave saying "Mom, I need to work now." Meanwhile, the entire scene was taking forever because they were trying to get the 4 year old to look around the bag of cat food while trying to keep a cat on a stool and looking at the bag. Talk about tall order. The cat wanted nothing to do with anything. The poor animal wranglers were sweating more then any of the Olympians. The 4 year old was more interested in licking peanut butter out of the jar while no one was looking or grabbing the cat when the wranglers weren't looking. Every time she got the peanut butter it would get all over her face and then hair and makeup would have to be called in. All I had to do was endure, move the cat bag in and out of the shot, and do my best to follow orders which sounded a lot like this "Bowl, bag. More naturally, show the product. Bowl. Bowl. I said natural. Bowl. Reset. Bowl. We can't see the label. NATURAL!!"

Several people came up to us and told us that Wyatt was the most well behaved person on set. He was amazing and obviously made for this business. He was chilling the entire time with his favorite Aunt B and Lizzy. The scene that he was in he had to sit in a stroller, looking adorable, while the little girl waved at the cat. The girl was way past her nap time by the time we got to that scene and she was not waving. Her mother was trying to bribe her with barbies but nothing was working. Most of the time she was throwing her hands around rather than waving. Her mom described the wave that she should do as the Princess Tickle Wave. I guess that means you have to wave like a Princess being tickled or pretend your tickling a Princess while waving. I am not really sure. As all of this craziness is going on with people yelling "Do the Princess Tickled Wave!" I happened to look down and Wyatt is waving. Kid you not, the child is a genius. Everyone on set was impressed. Boys got skill.

Most of the morning had a hurry up and wait quality but classic Kate making the most out of every moment I worked on honing my public nursing skills. I was in full costume and needed on set any moment but Wyatt had other plans. We had set up a blanket, picnic style, on the side of the road to be near everything but far enough away to keep the noise level down. I took off part of my costume and nursed him on the street, cars and all. The police man walked over to us at one point and I thought he was going to arrest me. Seriously. Then, we were nursing later on the porch while they set up another scene inside. I guess they needed me. The PA runs out and sees what I am doing but doesn't want to report over the walkies because he thinks it will make everyone look. All I hear is my name being called in every direction. Finally, the director runs out looking like he is about to pitch a fit, sees us, doesn't say anything, and walks back inside. When I made it onto set, in about two minutes, they were all apologies. I guess they don't have many nursing moms on set.

The entire commercial is 30 seconds. Wyatt will probably be in about 2 seconds, my butt about 2 seconds, my hands 3 seconds, and my face about 1 second. Yet, we were there for a good 9 hours. I am not sure when it is going to air. Hopefully, I will get a copy of our big debut to show at family gatherings when we air the episode of Blues Clues that Lizzy and I were in ages ago. All in all it was a memorable day!

Starts with a "W"

We have had a very excited week at our household and it's only Monday.  To catch everyone up, on Wednesday Wyatt had a callback for a Walmart audition.  I had been very hush hush about the audition because I didn't want to jinx anything.  My Dad had the day off so he played chauffeur and Rebecca, Wyatt, and I packed the car.   I would hope with some more practice I would be able to do this by myself but for now, Wyatt rolls with an entourage.

Rebecca, Wy, and I proceed to the third floor stopping only to buy a bubble gun for when we get home.  We wait around for a bit.  They call Wy in and I hand him over to the actress mom.  He is a champ, of course, looking around and taking it all in.  There are about 4 executives from Walmart, the casting agent, and some of the production staff.  After they are done, I take Wyatt, say thank you, and go back in the lobby.  They tell us that we are all done.  I am mildly upset that we drove over an hour for about 3 minutes but I guess thats show biz.

That's when things got interesting.  The casting person comes out and asks Wyatt and his mom back in.  They have us both stand in front of the camera and a Walmart man says "So we are thinking of using both of you."  My palms immediately start sweating and I totally clam up.  I am in jeans and flip-flops.  I am totally not ready to be put on the spot.  They ask me to do some acting which I rely heavily on all my high school drama classes.  Looking back I have no idea why I was so nervous.  I was taken by such surprise.

I received a call on Thursday confirming the booking for Wyatt and, wait for it, ME!!  I figured that Wyatt was going to get the job but there were seven women auditioning for this mom role.  I didn't have a shot in hell.  I didn't have a resume, my headshot was a Polaroid at the audition, and I have no experience.   The best part is Wyatt has an understudy just in case he is cranky.  There is a possibility that I will have to do the commercial with another baby.  I guess I failed to mention that I don't do well with kids.

We had a fitting today and we are shooting tomorrow in NJ.  The fitting was pretty uneventfully.  The costume designer had clothes for Wyatt but took one look at him and said "Why mess with perfection?"  I had to try on a few things.  They had a lot of jewelry, accessories to make the outfit and of course my choice of wedding bands.  As soon as it was mentioned Rebecca chimed in "Oh, she has never had one of those before."  Leave it to Rebecca to have the perfect zinger at my expense.  Stay tuned for the shoot story.  

I am The Walrus!

Friends to Come Home To

Saturday marked Kari's bachlorette party. I am delighted to say that it was a real blast. I can't remember the last time that I felt so recklessly abandoned. I got to get dressed up in heels, drink out of penis straws in a limo, and watch lap dances. Granted, we were at Lucy Cheungs and the dancers were transvestites but fun is fun. Why do guys get to do crazy things at bachelor parties but girls watch men dressed like girls dance and sing or have spa days? Guys go crazy and women still feel the need to check in.

At one point I was getting ready to take a shot and my mind jumped back to Wyatt. I immediately reverted to mom mode: responsible, cautious, and reserved. Rebecca reminded me that it is OK to have fun. That no one can be supermom all the time. Rebecca is wise beyond her years. I do have trouble balancing my college year self and my more recent mom self. I love being a mom but sometimes I want to go out and leave all responsibility at home. I try but when I do go out I have constant mom thought swirling in the back of my head. I probably would need a lobotomy for me to entire stop thinking about Wyatt. Sometimes I feel like I am suffocating my more reckless self. She is being held underwater barely hanging on. Soon, I am afraid, I will loose her forever. I guess it is called growing up.

Kari, Bri and I have been friends since pre-school. Brianne mentioned that we have known each other for over 23 years. I did everything with those two. We were inseparable; fixtures at each others homes. During college, we lost touch. I was so excited to move out of our small high school that I did a pretty good job of severing ties with a lot of friends. I wanted to start fresh in college. Unfortunately, I think I took it a little too far. I failed to realize that you can reinvent yourself while still acknowledging where you came from.

Since I moved back home, Bri, Kari, and I have reinstated our friendship. It was extremely comforting when we got together for the first time in about 6 years and we all felt like no time had passed. I feel like they understand me in a subconscious way. They know how I am going to react in any situation before I seem to. I am thrilled that we have found each other again especially when our lives are changing so dramatically. Kari is getting married on Sept. 1st, Bri in Oct 2009, and I have a 6 month old son. We have so much to learn from one another. I consider them true friends, those that you can grow up, grow apart, come home, and always feel like you belong.

Oh, the Injustice

On the morn of Wyatt's 6th month birthday, he woke uttering obscenities and I am appalled. He is so proud of learning something new that he can't help himself from repeating it ALL THE TIME. I had absolutely nothing to do with this. I have been working on Mama from the moment his eyes saw the sun. Terry, obviously, has been sending secret special military spy's to ingrain Dada while I am in the bathroom. I could be really mad at Wyatt's lack of gratitude for all of the tender, love and care I have bestowed on him but he is so damn cute saying it. The video is a little shaky because we are in the car but this is a prime example of his new constant stream of Dada's.

The Thinker

Bullet Friday

I am having a bullet list type of day. You know the days when your mind is jumping from one topic to another like a pogo stick. I can't seem to get anything done but yet trying to get twelve hundred things checked off my to-do-list at the same time. I have had several days like this recently. What gives? Here are some of my random thoughts:

Did you hear about that crazy waterspout that happened in Oyster Bay Harbor? Well, Lizzy works right near there and took pictures of it from her phone. They are much better than the Newsday ones in my opinion. Crazy stuff, global warming. If I had the money I would switch everything I own to organic. Save the environment in my own way. Right now I am working on purging my household of conventional cleaners. I am terrified of tornadoes. Maybe I watched my witch-less Wizard of Oz too much as a kid. My mom edited our movie so that there was no Wicked Witch. She thought it was too scary. When I finally watched the full version all I could think was "Wow! This movie does have a plot!!" If I saw that waterspout I probably would have shit my pants. Literally. Lizzy said that everyone was running out to watch it. Hello, stupid, you should be running in the other direction! At least no one was hurt and Lizzy walked away with some awesome pictures.

On the last two conversations with Terry he said he is having chest pains. What does that mean exactly? I told him he needs to go to the doctor but he insists that he wants to get in his flying hours. If he goes to the doctor they will pull him off his flights. Men should affix themselves with labels stating "Made with Testosterone, Will be Idiotic." Seriously, it is getting me worried.

I am so excited that it is Friday. Since the end of June, I have taken at least one day off a week from work. This was the first full week I have worked (minus a few hours off on Thursday) and it is taking its toll. I am anticipating quiting in September so I am trying to use all of my vacation days. I asked if I could work part-time or from home but they said no. So, my compromise was to use my leave one day a week until I quit. My silent "Stick it to the Man!"

I have Kari's bachelorette party this weekend. I haven't been out in the city in a long time and it might be the making of a pump and dump night. Although, I read that alcohol leaves your breast milk just as it leaves your blood stream. Interesting concept but I am not sure I believe it. The Internet is an amazing search tool but not always factual. I won't get drunk that's for sure but maybe two drinks over five hours are in my future. Watch out, I'm living on the edge people! The Olympics start tonight too. I am so excited for that. Yes, I'm a dork. The blue Swim Cube Stadium and the Bird's Nest are some of the most amazing pieces of architecture I have ever seen. I am thinking my sweet baby Wyatt, the Olympics, and Chinese food tonight.

I am Woman, Roar!

Recently, I am finding myself thinking a lot about single mom stereotypes. Nothing specifically happened to make my mind wander there and usually I could give two hoots about stereotypes. My head has been clouded with thoughts of the perception of single moms and I feel like I need to put some of these judgements to rest.

I am single. Brand me with my scarlet S. I welcome it. I am so sick of everyone asking where my husband is. Go back to health class, you don't need a husband to get pregnant. In our modern times, with the divorce rate hovering around 50%, with in-vitro and sperm donors, you would think people would stop asking about husbands and partners. Or would stop automatically thinking about two parent, one male and one female, households. My son doesn't have my last name and I am not a Mrs. There are a lot of reasons for that. None of which I want to discuss at the check out line in the grocery store. Wait and see if I bring it up then you won't have to ask me about my marital status.

I have a kid on my hip, no ring on my finger, and I am not ready for a relationship. That's right world, I am not actively looking for a husband. I am defying convention and running with my single parent household. I have enough trouble fitting in quality time for my relationship with my friends and family. I am not emotionally stable enough to add another person into my already hectic life. When I have the proper amount of time to commit to a romatic relatioship then I will start dating. But not yet, its too much, too overwhelming. Wyatt is the most important man to me and he will remain at the top for the rest of my life any other man will have to come in second. I am also going to throw in there: I will not steal your husband. Young married women sometimes look at me like a heathen that can pilfer away their husbands at any moment. I am certainly not going to abscond with your hubby. Chances are you might not even want him.

I did not get pregnant on purpose. I feel the need to write that again. I did not get pregnant on purpose. It was not my fault or Terry's fault for that matter. There is no one to place blame on. Things happen. This, above all, is my worst pet peeve. The assumption is single moms are responsible for the situation they are in. When I got pregnant, I was unemployed and uninsured. Two of the worst situations when introducing a dependant into your life. Wyatt is the product of a birth control malfunction, one of many in the world. I did not choose to get pregnant, abortion was not an option for me, and adoption was out of the question. What other choice did I have?

I don't mean to come off sounding jaded or trail of in a huge gripe session. I get annoyed when my life is disrupted by stereotypes and assumptions of others. Most of all, I am proud to be a single mom. I am proud that I found the courage to march into this solitary journey. Proud that I am doing it, successfully. I wish that when I say I am a single mom I wouldn't get the look of pity that comes next.

Pilot in Command

I have not given a Terry update in quite some time. Rumor has it that he has about 20 days left in country but don't make any plans yet. If I have learned anything about the military it is anything can happen, at any time, anywhere. Nothing is set in stone until Terry gets off a plane at the airport. Anyway, he emailed this a while ago.

Nothing crazy going on in my neighborhood. Had a rather typical day here today, I flew a six hour mission. The only thing that made this mission interesting was that it was my first as a Pilot in Command. I wrote you guys a few months back telling you that I was nominated, however because I moved around so much, it was put on the back burner. But last month I was again nominated and a few days ago I was signed off. The instructor evaluated me on three flights, the first one running the mission, the second flying it, and the third was an assault on a village where I again ran the mission in our aircraft. After the flight he said I was good to go and so today they let me go out on my own.

In aviator land the move to becoming a PIC is a pretty significant event, especially for a junior officer like myself. It is like becoming an airline captain, I now have complete responsibility over the aircraft, and anything that happens falls on my shoulders. Before, as a pilot, if I screwed up, the guy next to me was the one to correct the problem or get us out of the situation, now its all on my me. Pretty crazy right? So if we start taking fire or if there is an emergency I’m now the one taking the controls and attempting to get us to safety. I was pretty excited today and of course nervous. My old company had two Lt’s that were PIC’s. But I believe that I’m currently they only Lieutenant PIC in the Task Force. So basically that’s pretty Bad Ass.

Many of the pilot’s that I’m flying with have around 400 hours of total flight time, crazy enough, I have more than that just in Afghanistan alone and I should hit 1,000 hours here pretty soon. It’s funny because I found myself nervous and not as confident as I usually am in the aircraft today, and the other pilot I was flying with was pretty good and cocky. At the end of the flight I said to him I was once in his position. He didn’t understand me, but I remember being that cocky at that hour level, but the more you fly, the more you realize all the stuff that you don’t know and have to try to prepare for. But I’m very happy to have hit a major goal of mine. Part of me wishes I could stay here longer doing this, because I like the team and love the job, but I also feel that I need a break from all this and 17 months is long enough to be away from the family. So this was a huge boost for my moral. I have been pretty worn out lately, hardly sleeping, and working ridiculous hours, so this just kind of got me back on track for the next 2 months. I’m slowly starting to see the finish line, just hoping it comes sooner than later.

Cuter Naked

25 weeks (6 months)

Wyatt,

All of a sudden you are VERY curious about EVERYTHING. You lunge for toys out of your reach and want the kitty cat like its your last fix of crack. You love playing with anything that's not yours including my dinner plate, big white cups from the deli, cell phones, power cords and tags on clothing. I methodically went through all of your clothing, blankets, burpers and took off the tags. I hate tags but you seem to have radar for the lone tags that I have missed. You love sucking on them. The wind is of great interest to you. You could spend hours watching the leaves blow around, the flag wave on the porch, or my hair. You look so incredibly beautiful looking up at the sky, your eyes the brightest of blue, and your peach fuzz looking very red. I love staring at you when you look for the wind.

Your curiosity makes meal time especially difficult. You end up wearing most of your food with a decent amount on or around your high chair. It is not that you don't like eating pureed fruit but you would rather put your hands in it, or catch the spoon that is flying to your mouth, or play with your clothes. I started giving you peas, which I loathe, but you seem not to mind. You take after your pea eating father on that one. He is the type of person that goes into a diner and orders hot roast beef or chicken franchaise. Diners are for grilled cheese, milkshakes, and pancakes. Period.

Your leg is almost all better, still favoring it a little but not as much. You try to stand on it all the time and I have to keep making you sit. I, on the other hand, am a mess of guilt and continually paranoid that I am going to do it again. I am forever sorry. I know you won't remember it but I, sure as Hell, will for the rest of my life. I am tempted to wrap you in bubble wrap but then I couldn't smother you with kisses.

This is the most perfect age. I am beginning to think that you love me as much as I love you. Last night, I came home from being away for about 12 hours of work. I walked through the door and your face lit up. We couldn't take out eyes off one another for a good two hours. I sat in our glider, rocking you to sleep, singing Billy Joel's "Lullaby" and I could see the corners of your mouths lifted in a smile behind your binky. You melt my heart. Then this morning Gammy called and said that I left a shirt on my bed. You were playing and somehow got my dirty shirt in your hands. You pulled it to your face, laid your head down on my pillow, closed your eyes, and took a nap. I am never far away my little Bean, promise.

I love you everyday.

Momma