4 Years - 48 Months

My love,

When you woke up yesterday, you sat straight up in bed and starting yelling. "I'm 3! I'm 3! I'm 3? Mom, am I still 3?" I kept having to remind you that, yes, indeed you were still 3 but tomorrow you would be 4.  Then Auntie B was joking with you, asking you how old you were going to be, you kept answering 6. I partial think your number confusion is because you always forget 4.  You can count to 15 but will consistently skip 4.  1-2-3-5-6.  Like it doesn't exist.  I have worked on it with you for days, weeks, months even.  Still no 4.  I am hoping now that you ARE 4 it will magically come into existence.  I guess now we have a whole year to work on it.

We took a trip into the city the other day. It was an early birthday lunch and lego's date.  I usually drive in with you but this time I decided to take the train.  At every stop you would ask "Where are we now? Can we drive here?  Have I been to this town before?" The rest of the train was getting quite a kick out of you. You were just so curious. You were a little confused about how some trains we took were double deckers and others were "single deckers" and others were subways.  I was trying to explain the difference but, truth be told, I have no idea what makes them different.  We spent an indecent amount of time in the Lego store in Rockefeller Centre. Then walked to a restaurant and spent hours assembling some of the Lego's we bought. You actually want to complete them yourself now but don't really know how to read the "menu's" yet. So, I pick the pieces out for you, tell you where to put them, then have to watch patiently while you assemble.  I have to admit, it's hard not to jump in a take over.  You never get frustrated with pieces you can't quite put right and you rarely ask for help.  Most of the time, you have more patience then me.  After lunch, we took a nice 10 block walk to which you said "There is a lot of walking in this big city." You did great.  It was a first time I went in with just you and my bag.  It was liberating.

So much of our days are clouded with other things that need to get done.  Even when I am trying to just focus on sitting and playing with you, I am still petting the dogs.  Or anxious to get some laundry in.  Or figure out what's for dinner.  Or dragging you on errands.  Or jumping to answer the phone. You have story-time on Mondays.  So, we usually have pizza after school to get to the library on time.  I love that time with you but even then I am rushing you to eat so we won't be late.  There is always something else that needs to happen.  On our day in the city, I let all my errands, to-do-lists, and responsibilities fade.  Solely focused on you.  Your Legos.  And holding your hand when walking down the street. It was a good day. A really good day.

Now that you are older and definitely more independent, I have been finding myself daydreaming about what my life would have been like without you.  Where would I be living?  What state?  What country?  What would I be doing?  Who would I be living with?  What would I be like?  They seem to float in the back of my brain, haunting me at lonely moments.  I feel tremendous guilt about finding these questions in my head.  However, after allowing myself to dream for a little, I always come back to; no matter where I would be, whom I was with, or what I was doing I don't think I would have ever been as happy or fulfilled or grounded or passionate as I am right now.  Yes, I am sure my life would be exciting and happy as it always was.  But when I think of my life before you, in hindsight, it seems like I was lost.  Like there was something (or someone) missing.  Like I was waiting for my real life to begin.  My conclusion is I think it is ok to daydream every once and a while.  But Wyatt you have to understand, no matter what I missed out on, I would pick you every time.  I choose you.  I will always choose you.  I don't regret one minute I have gotten to spend with you. There is not one thing I would change.

I am sure at some point in your life, you will also begin to question: what have I done with my life?  Or where could it have gone if I made different choices?  Or what am I doing now?  Or what does my life really mean?  It might not seem like a great feat to be a good son.  But to me.  To me, you have been a miracle. You have given me the greatest gift and I am forever yours for it. You are the arrow that shoots right to the heart of me.  I love you with every fiber of who I am and with everything I have.  I am so blessed and grateful and joyous that you are in my life.  You are the best thing about me.  The other day you told me, "Mom, you make me feel like me."  Well, my love, you make me feel more like me too.

I love you Birthday Boy. Now and forever.
Momma