The Happy Couple

Michael and Joanna got married last week.  It was a small ceremony, and by small I mean parents and witnesses.  After dinner they invited some family and a few friends to celebrate at a bar in NYC.  Since Michael is a Priest they plan to doing a blessing ceremony with the Bishop sometime in the spring.  I was really proud of them for making their wedding about them.  I feel like weddings and sweet 16's and parties in general are becoming more about the pressure to have a big party rather then the gut feeling of who is throwing it.  It was really nice to see Michael and Jo do exact what they wanted without making excuses or apologies.

Of course, at the bar, I was watching them.  They were so happy, like radiating happy, (and forsaking all things sappy) radiating love.  Joanna wore this black strapless dress with trophies and blue ribbons all over it because she was a "Trophy Wife".  I have no idea where she got it but it was quite hysterical.  And Michael had a pocket square to match his suit and her shoes.  It was like they were magnetically attached.   Even if they were back to back, Jo's hand would reach out to find Michael's.  Michael was staring at her all night.  When they weren't attached Michael would sit and watch Jo move.  It is rare to see Michael so engrossed in thought, so contemplative, and so utterly at peace.  It made the gesture all the more astounding.  It makes me well up thinking of someone loving you so much they just want to watch the way you move.

I hate to make this all egotistical.  I am so happy for them but I am just a little sad and mopey for me.  Not that their married, no.  It was seeing a couple so happy just made this hollow pit in my stomach ache as I realized I might never have that.  (It is so obnoxious that I am making this about me.  I have never mentioned these feeling to anyone and now I am touting them on my blog.  Eh) I can feel myself becoming that bitter, lonely, desperate, love-less person and I hate it.  It is getting harder and harder for me to believe in a happy ending.  Maybe I will never find a person that I want to marry.  Sometimes I am ok with that and other times it just makes me sad and lonely thinking I might never find someone to share my life with.  I told someone the other day that I was saving up for a down payment on a house because I can't wait for a mythical fairy prince to sweep me off my feet and make a home with me.  How hopelessly realistic and bitter is that?  It makes me cringe but that is the honest to God place I am at right now.

I am not fishing for compliments or searching for a date.  I just needed to vent a little.  My situation seems a little bleak at the moment.  I don't really have time or motivation to invest in dating.  And it is super unrealistic to think that the man of my dreams is going to knock on my door or drive by on a tractor.  And it would take a pretty selfless man to willingly accept position number 2 on my priority list when Wyatt is so clearly NUMBER ONE (in caps because this is where he will remain and reign).  I keep on reminding myself to be patient and positive but it is just so damn hard sometimes.  Someone recommended that I read Meeting Your Half-Orange.  But the thought of reading a dating/self-help book is making me more depressed instead of optimistic.  Maybe I will give it a try.  If anything it might help to learn how to keep the jaded bitterness out of voice.