Scratch that Itch, Scratch it.

Traditionally after about living in a place for about a year, I start looking for greener pastures. I don't know why but it has been like clockwork for me starting around 2000. First it was from LI to NJ, then to NYC, then to England, then back to NYC, then to Astoria, then to SC, and now my latest move back to LI. I have been home now for over two years. Longer then I have lastest in most places. I think that with so much change in my life I didn't need another change. Pregnancy and Wyatt have kept me stationary. But more recently, I have been thinking alot about moving. Nothing drastic. Just moving out. 

I love living at home. I really do. I love coming home to a full house of people. I don't think I could ever live by myself.  I just wasn't built like that. I love having help with Wyatt.  I love that Wyatt has a team of people that he trusts and loves. In a lot of ways, I feel like I have my cake and am eating it too.  I can be a single mom and have live-in babysitters that allow for spontaneity.  Have adult responsibility in child raising but not house owning.  Have one-on-one bonding time with Wyatt and be able to take little moments of me time when the house is full of people.  It works for me.

And there are things that are not working for me.  Like the insane lack of privacy.  Or the overflowing fountain of questions every single day.  Or that no matter how amazing my relationship with my parents I am still living in their house, with their rules, and their decor.  (Mom and I have a very similar sense in style so decor usually is not a problem.  But lately the living room wallpaper is my sole reason to move out.  It hurts me.  It hurts my soul.)  I am a very independent person, almost to a fault, but living with my parents makes me feel like a child.  My parents motivation enables me to be lazy.  If I was living on my own I would have to mop the floors, pick up toys, take out the trash, mow the lawn, etc, etc, etc.  At home, I know that if I wait long enough someone else will do it.  I'm not proud of it, just a fact.  While I live at home, I remain a child in a lot of respects.

I know there will come a time when I am motivated enough to move on and start my own family.  I know that Wyatt and I are a family but we are members of a larger household at the moment.  To live in a home of my own with a distinct separation from my parents but a life that still includes them would be entirely different.  I really don't know how to phrase it right.  Maybe if I never lived on my own before I wouldn't know the difference or care.  But I have lived on my own.  I know what independence and responsibility feel like and I do not shy away from that.  Besides I like nesting and building a home for myself from the ground up.  

Now that this seed of moving has been planted I can't stop thinking about it and the questions that are rising to the surface.  Like how would moving affect Wyatt?  He is used to having 5 people doting on him at any given moment what happens when that is reduced to one.  Will he constantly be wondering when the rest of his family will come home?  Will he be bored with just me?  Will I go crazy from my only interaction being with a toddler?  Will I ever get a minute of peace?  Will I be terrified?  I can just envision Wyatt running into my room after having a nightmare and me screaming to lock the door.  And the more positive questions like: will I finally get my bed back?  Its endless really.  I could go on for hours.

I adore my parents and am not eager to leave them just eager to gain some of my former independence.  They mean the world to me and no matter how far I have traveled or will travel I will always talk to my mom at least once a day.  Even if its just to talk about the weather.  I couldn't imagine moving far from them.  Maybe just down the road, 15 minutes tops.  I think I need to give myself a goal.  I would like to say in the next 10-15 months.  That seems reasonable for me to get my anxiety under control.  In the meantime, I might paint the living room and be done with the God awful wallpaper. That should hold me over.