12 Steps

The first step is admitting you have a problem.  Wyatt sleeps in my bed for a few hours every night, sometimes all night.  It is the only way that I can get a decent nights sleep.  When I started the habit, I knew I was in trouble.  But now that I have admitted its a problem and am resigned to it.  So he sleeps in my bed.  Big deal.  For a few months?  Who cares?  I am getting a decent 6 hours a night.  I'll take the trade off.  My next issue is how do I keep him from falling out of my bed.  Obviously, I am on one side but there is a vast expanse on the other.  Usually, I will feel him moving around and wake up in time to slide him back from the edge.  The other night, I must have been really out of it and woke up to find his head practically hanging off the bed.  This resulted in more sleepless nights worrying every 5 minutes if he was about to throw himself off the bed in a sleeping fit.

I weighted the options.  I could rearrange my room so my bed would be against a wall.  This seemed like the least expensive option.  But every time I tried to figure it in my head the room seemed all wrong.  With the crib in there as well, the room just didn't flow.  Wyatt still uses his crib for naps and evenings from about 8:30-1 so I can't ditch it yet.  There just isn't enough wall space.  My next thought was buying a bed rail, like for a toddler bed.  Although entirely humiliating it would seem to be the easy answer.  I found one that was long enough to fit on my queen mattress and also slides underneath when I don't want it in use.  All for $30.  The set up was a little tricky but it does the job.  My bed felt enormous the first night I used it, having regained bed space normally reserved for the barrier of pillows.

Whenever I walk in my room I feel like the bed rail is my scarlet letter of shame.  It solidifies my inability to make a change in Wyatt's sleeping habits.  I am officially letting him sleep in my bed.  Before at least there was the thought, the possibility, that I might Ferberize him.  Now, it would seem that I have given up hope and the existence of the rail makes me complacent.  Why listen to a baby cry for 2 hours when he will be asleep in 2 minutes?  "Oh, your being fussy.  Let's lay in bed and cuddle."  That's all it takes.  He's out and I have some more time on my hands.  I think it all stems from that I am trying to be the best mom that I can be.  I know that I am making mistakes but I might not outwardly know those mistakes now.  It will be down the road that I will discover all the wrongs I am committing.  But this bed rail is a huge no-no that I am saying yes to.  Is this my downfall as a mother?  Am I putting my sleep needs ahead of Wyatt's ability to sleep on his own in his crib?  When he gets fussy in the middle of the night, he rolls over, tucks his head under my arm and falls back asleep.  Will he ever be able to sleep on his own? 

In addition to all these concerns, it also signifies the last nail in my sex life coffin.  I live with my parents with my son sleeping a stone's throw away and now I have a bed rail that make me look like someone who frequently falls out of the bed.  What 26 year old do you know that needs a bed rail?  Yes, I can hide it but hidden it makes my bed incredibly squeaky and uneven.  Hidden works aesthetically but then makes the bed inoperative.  All my friends say I just need to get creative.  Creative is an understatement.  I need a hotel.