It all Comes Rushing Back

I have been having a challenging time with Wyatt lately.  He seems to be exercising his right to say No more or he's testing his limits.  Something.  But it doesn't make me happy.  Its harder to get out of the door. Its harder to get him in the bath. Its harder in general.  I have to play my A-game all the time or else he out smarts me.  And the whining, my God, the whining.  I can handle crying but the whining for HOURS.  It drives me nuts.  He's just so cute about it too.  I'll ask him to put his shoes on and he'll go "Just one more minute.  One minute," holding up his little index finger.  But after 10 more minutes, he still won't budge and I have run out of creative excuses.  What do I do?  I was under the impression that the hardest part was over.  Not so.

Anyway, I was cleaning out my night stand bookcase.  Removing my belongings from the ONE area left in my room that hasn't been invading to make space for Wyatt's books.  It was a border-line bad day.  It seemed that everything we did there was a fight.  It was hot.  Both of us were crabby and so I cleaned while Wyatt played on the train table in the AC.  A cool down moment in many ways.  I stumbled upon a journal entry that I wrote before I started the blog.  It made me smile. It made me remember why, even on hard days, I need to reach down deep and pull out all my patience.  Remember that I need to give Wyatt the very best of me, everyday, no matter how cranky we are, or how hot it is, or how tired and worn out I am.  Its dated June 10th 2007.

I took my first pregnancy test last night.  Positive.  I'm 24 years old, not married, currently not employed, and with no health insurance.  Clearly not the most perfect circumstances.  But I don't ever plan anything.  It's the Kate way.  I have always wanted to be a mother.  I never imagined that I would be the first in the family, the first of my friends.  I guess sometimes you can't plan and can't question.  I was meant to have a child now.  It was definately a surprise but a blessing. 


I took the test at Rebecca's appartment and had plans to go out with some friends.  Rebecca and I were getting ready, the pregancy test burning a hole into my bag, and I just had to know.   Right then.  Rebecca was stressing about her roomates, her social life, her career, her love life. I casually mentioned I was freaking out about something too.  She looked straight in my eyes and said, "You're pregnant, right?"  She was very surprised and tried to play it off like no big deal but her excitement shone though her every word.  It was always a joke in the family that I would have children and Rebecca would raise them.  Despite our rough relationship during childhood she has become my best friend.  I couldn't imagine my life without her in it.


I took my teacher certification exams and was planning on going out to celebrate with Rebecca and then RJ and some Fordham friends at the Barrow St Pub.  I stopped drinking on the spot.  I still went out and quietly drank sprite, thinking I was fooling peolple with my lime garnish, while everyone else was doing shots.  Rebecca was proud of me that I was already caring for you, changing my life to make the best one for you.  You became my number one priority from the minute that test turned positive.


I don't know what I am going to do or how everything is going to work out.  But I know that you will always be loved.  You are going to be the first of a new generation.  I know you'll be spoiled and will never have to go without.  I am not going to let anyone know until I'm 3 months.  I want to make sure you're all right.  My tasks are cut out before me.  Job hunt starts now.  Health insurance is a huge priority.  That was the very beginning of you.

Who's the Human?

The What If's and Maybe's

Wyatt has been having a lot of bloody noses lately.  To qualify a lot, I would estimate once a month.  They almost always happen at night.  He wakes up with blood on the pillow and sheets and crusted on his face.  It makes me so upset to see him like that.  And typical Wyatt fashion he doesn't let me wipe his face off until he has fully woken up which is sometimes at 10.  He'll walk around the house, playing with his trucks, with blood smeared on his cheeks.  Then over Memorial Day weekend he had one Saturday night, then another for about an hour on Sunday, then another on Sunday night.  Freaked. Me. Out. What the hell is up with that?!  Then he had a small night one a week later.

Of course, I called Dr. Greg.  If they were happening sporadically I would shrug and go about my life but it seems to be getting worse.  Dr. G wants him to go to an Ear, Nose, and Throat specialist to get his nose cauterized.  He said that it shouldn't be happening that frequently, get it cauterized and they will stop.  I was really hoping he was going to tell me not to worry about it.  That its a phase.  It will pass.  Cauterizing seems invasive. (For those that don't know: they would burn the inside of his nose to create scar tissue to block and prevent bleeding.) An unnecessary procedure for a 2 year old and a terrifying procedure for me.   Really, is that our only option?  Doesn't that seem risky?  What about infections?  What happens when he grows?  It just seems like cauterizing should be our absolute last option.

I haven't called the specialist yet.  I'm procrastinating because I'm nervous.  I'm afraid that if I take him they will cauterize on the spot which I am not sure is the right option.  Or that they will look and freak him out then if it gets worse and I have to take him again its going to be traumatic.  Like burned into his memory for eternity traumatic.  Like etched as the first Mommy hurt me moment.  Maybe I'm over thinking.  I want to do the right thing by Wyatt.  Of course, stopping his bloody noses is better for me but is taking the invasive option right for Wyatt?  Maybe its allergies.  Maybe its a stage.  Maybe he's picking his nose behind my back.  He is my son after all and everyone knows how much I love to pick my nose.

He had another one on Monday.  It was worse then it looked.  We were down by the beach.  He was sneaking up on me then splashing.  I would spin around, grab him and dunk his butt in the water while swishing him around.  I was pretending not to notice him so he could sneak up on me. After a few moments, I turned to find him wiping his face with blood everywhere.  On his forehead to his chin, running down his lips, from his fingertips to his elbows.  I know the water diluted it but blood was everywhere.  I washed him up as best I could and leaned him forward watching droplets fall in the water.    I put Pup's leash on and by the time I got him home and cleaned up, it had stopped.  Should I call?  I'm not sure what to do.

Happy Dadda and Pa Day

Wyatt One Liners

Now that Wyatt is speaking, really full-on sentences with backstories and imagination, he comes up with some doozies.  There are time when I start laughing for hours at the things he comes up with.  I have decided to dedicate some space for these jems.

We are down at the beach and Wyatt sees that the gate at the bottom of the dock is open.  This gate is never open to the public and he always grabs onto the chain link fence looking longingly at the boat slips.  Upon seeing the open gate, he proclaims "Holy Smoke-stackies!!"

"Wyatt, love, what would you like to do today?"
"Let's go on a mission."
"A mission to where?"
"It's a urprise." As he crouches down and does his sneaky walk, "Shhh, very quiet.  Moobie traps."

Its Earth Day.  Gammy is trying to explain to him about loving your planet, taking care of the plants, not flushing the toilet 12 hundred times.  He runs over to a tree in our backyard, throws his arms around it as far as they will go and says "Lobe you so much, tree."

We are getting ready to have our nightly read-in.  Wyatt is picking out books on the floor while I am changing into my pajamas.  I pulled off my bra and threw it on the floor. "What's that?"
"It's a bra."
"For your boobs?" Which leaves me wondering how the hell he knows that and making a mental note to ask Rebecca the next time she's home. "Yes" I respond hesitantly.
"It keeps your boobs all nice and....and...and....boob-ery."  Then I laughed so hard, Wyatt asked me if I was ok.

"Pa, do you love cranes and diggers and forklifts and backhoeises." As his voice gets higher and higher, his excitement palpable, rubbing his hands like a maniac.

He sees a Blimp or Zeppelin in the sky.  He points then throws his hands up saying "What?!?  Why is that submarine in the air?  That's silly."

Wyatt is clearly about to poop in his pants.  "Come on, honey.  Lets go to the potty."
"Doing nuffing.  Nuffing.  Just a little toodles."
"Come on.  Let's go really quick."  As I scoop him up in my arms.  Once situated and I have been reading to him for about 10 minutes, I broach the topic again. "Are you doing poo-poos?"
"No, sorry.  No poo-poos.  Its stuck.  Just some pee-pees and a little toodles."

"Wy, what are you doing?"

"I'm bulldozering."  Another answer on another day, "I'm cherry pickering."

We are singing songs in the car going to the store.  I asked him to sing "Row, Row, Row Your Boat".  He pauses, repeats what I've just sang, then taps one finger to his forehead a few times.  "I can't remember," and shrugs his shoulders.

"Are you going to cuddle with me Momma?"  Melt my heart.

Those Eyes

28 Months

Monkey,

For some unknown reason, I've started to call you Monkey again.  It just slipped out one day and you LOVED it.  "Monkey! What?"  "You're my little Monkey, hopping all over the place."  Then you ran around the house shrieking, which I am guessing are monkey sounds and doing your ridiculous skip hop.  Your face lights up everytime I yell Monkey.  Its not a great nickname but you apparently adore it.  And if something gives you that much enjoyment I am bound to do it till the end of time.

I hate to say it but I think you have embarked on something like the terrible twos.  My optimism is telling me it might just be you asserting your independence or you're going through a 'do the opposite of what Momma tells me' phase.  But either way, its a little more challenging and a little less fun.  Specifically, we are having meal time woes and sometimes a refusal to get dressed.  The naked time I don't care about too much.  Worst case scenario, if we HAVE to get out of the house, I'll force some clothes on you.  You cry for about 2 seconds then you're over it.  The eating has got me worried.  I can get, maybe, one good meal in you a day.  You HATE breakfast and starting our day out with a breakfast fight usually makes for a tough day all around.  I am trying not to make a big deal of it because you will catch on and then really not eat.  You have been size 2T since last August after always being 2 sizes up.  I'm worried.  So, please, please Wyatt eat and be happy.  Please.

People come and go a lot around here.  My schedule changes all the time and there is not one morning that all of us are home.  You've finally caught on and don't like it much.  Last night, you woke up crying saying "Where'd Momma go?  Momma. Momma."  I pulled you close to me and reassured you that I was right there.  Once you were satisfied with that, you called out "Gammy!  Where'd Gammy go?"  Because you know that chances are only one of us is home at a time and you would like everyone there all the time.  The other night, it ended in extreme measures that was quite amusing.  I had gone out to dinner with Kari.  I got home around 10 (what wild and crazy kids we are!!) and relieved Gammy.  You became vaguely aware of the bait and switch and started crying.  Gammy hopped back in our bed until you feel asleep again.  20 or so minutes go by, Gammy sneaks out.  All was well for another 30 minutes, when you figure it out again and start crying.  Gammy, being the nosey wonderfully attentive woman that she is, heard you and assumed you were crying for her again.  Except this time you were crying for your dump truck.  Because clearly what you need at 1 in the morning is your dump truck.  Once Gammy is back in the room, you now want both of us.  So there's Gammy on the left, you spread out in the middle, me on the right, and Pup laying with you and his head on my hip.  There was no hope for sleep.  When you woke up, you were perfectly delighted that our bed was so full.  Although not entirely restful, it was a memorable night.

In other random news, Lizzy got a hamster that you like calling the "little mouse." You're confused by it.  Sometimes wanting to play with it and sometimes saying "ew, gross." I feel similar.  Overnight, you have become obsessed with playing with other kids.  Baby Elizabeth has been coming over a lot.  And Gianna, the 3 year old next door, has become your constant playmate.  You watch for her to come out in her yard.  When she does, you grab my hand and make for the fence.  Pulling me to get outside to "play with Gianna!!"  You ask her to come to the beach with us.  You are Alfalfa and Darla, so cute.  Sometimes the two of you will just sit together and watch her older brothers on their bikes.  I am glad you like playing the other kids.  Maybe you won't be such an only child after all. We are embarking on the "why" phase.  Every request has a "why" attached and if it doesn't make sense to you, you won't comply.  You are smart.  It is very hard for me to out-smart you sometimes.  For example, we were at the Y and I was trying to teach you manners.  A boy wanted to play something and you didn't.  I told you to say "no thanks" and that means you don't want to do that right now.  Then, at dinner that night, I set down your chicken and you push the plate away saying "No thanks, Momma."  How, exactly, do I compete with that?!?

I feel like we are on the edge of a precipice.  The baby stage is far behind us and looming up ahead is this new enlightened terrain.  Yes, you came into this world 28 months ago but just recently have you become cognizant of your place in this world.  You want things. You need things. Your opinionated.  You hunger for learning and must have a reason for every action.  You weld your power over me with tiny fists.  The baby phase seems the hardest, the most exhausting, and tedious.  But I am beginning to think I haven't seen the hard part yet.  We are embarking on the age of reason.  Take a deep breath and leap.  For better or worse, I've got you and you've got me.  We'll make it through together.

I love you, everyday.
Momma

Car Washing