Reality Check

I am straight up tripping. I phoned my job today and they want me back on April 14th. I know it's another three weeks away but I am freaking out. I am not ready to leave him for five days a week, to go back to work. I am not ready to think about daycare and getting updates on what my child did during the day. I don't want to be told he smiled, I want to see it. I feel like my stomach has turned into this black hole of dread that will get increasingly bigger as the 14th draws closer. Breathe, Kate, breathe.

I am wholly unmotivated to go back to work. Spending my days with him seems exponentially more important than what I do at work. Unfortunately, I cannot afford financially to quit my job. Welcome to single motherhood. If I was going back to a job that I was passionate about maybe I would feel more confident about leaving him. A job that challenged me and allowed me to have more responsibility. A job that I could see reasons why I should leave him other than money. My job doesn't do that. I feel like a drone, not a contributing member of society.

Then there is the guilt factor. I want to be able to be available for Wyatt emotionally, physically, and developmentally. I want to be the one that caters to his needs, makes his feel safe and cared for. I want to be the one that cradles him when he cries, that feeds him, and hears his first words. I don't want to feel like I have to play catch up to get to know him at night. I don't want him to turn to others for comfort. Two full days on the weekend is not enough for me. I always knew I was going to have to go back to work but was so emotionally unprepared to how having a baby would effect my state of mind. I just have to breathe.