Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Get your Boxes Here

Forget Superbowl, if you want in on gambling boxes get them here!! My mom's florist is hosting bean's baby pool. But the boxes are running out and I think they might be closing it soon. Its $2 a box and you have to guess date and weight. It is up to about $120, the take home is big. So, if you want in let me know. Some cruel person (I won't mention names, cough, Jimmy) bought a box for Feb 29th and 10lbs 5 oz. That is cruel. Down right mean. Seriously, mean.

In other news, my friend Jessica had her baby Jan. 29th and her due date was Feb. 18th. (He is only about 45 minutes old in that picture!) A beautiful baby boy named Jack that looks just like Jessica with dark hair and pinchable cheeks. He is 6lbs 8oz, 19 inches, of adorable cuteness. I am so jealous of her speedy delivery. She was in the hospital for 40 minutes. Congratulations Jess and Happy Birthday Jack! I am so happy for you and your little boy. Little Bean has his first friend!!

Over to the Dark Side

I think about this sometimes so don't make fun. It is one of my dark and twisted thoughts that robs me of sleep. I highly doubt that it is going to happen but there is another person coming into this world that will be reliant on me and I can't help but wonder: What happens if I die?

I know its creepy and morbid but should I create a will? My parents don't have a will, shame on them. Should I? As you all know, Terry is in the military and his future plans can be anywhere in the world. Naturally, if something where to happen to me, Terry would become sole guardian. However, what happens if Terry is in Afghanistan or Iraq or God knows who else we will be fighting in years to come? His future is migratory and a harsh world for a child who needs stability. So, that still leaves little Bean. It bothers me. I know that maternal mortality is very low in the US but it still really bothers me. In all reality, I know that nothing bad is going to happen but I can't help but wonder.

I would want him to be raised in my house, where I intended to. By someone young, like I am. Someone not perfect without the luxury of testing parenting skills on other children. My thoughts turn to Rebecca. I mentioned this the other day. She started laughing. Mom was insulted. Now, I fully understand that my parents would financially help and that they would have Rebecca move home. The less change for Bean the better. Maybe it is mean of me to put all the responsibility of raising a child on Rebecca. To essentially nominate another single mom when it was a hard enough choice for myself. But I think that she would be the person most likely to raise my son the way that I would. Or at least close to the way that I intended. I always said that if I had a child, Rebecca would raise him anyway.

It is a weird feeling. I feel blessed to know I accomplished so much in my young life. That having Bean makes my life more complete, more finished somehow. That if I did die, I know that my life has had great meaning because of him. On the other hand, to miss out on truly getting to know Bean is heartbreaking. Heath Ledger made a comment when his daughter, Matilda, was born on WJW-TV that really hit home with me and is even more heartbreaking after his untimely passing. Your forced into, kind of, respecting yourself more. You learn more about yourself through your child, I guess. I think you also look at death differently. It's like a Catch-22: I feel good about dying now because I feel like I'm alive in her, you know, but at the same hand, you don't want to die because you want to be around for the rest of her life.

Saturday, January 26, 2008

Things Your Mom Didn't Tell You - Part 3

Everyone keeps telling me that the father along I get the more complaints I will have but so far I am still doing pretty well. Knock on wood. However, there are still some weird things that I never anticipated...

Bleeding gums - I have always had a little pink toothbrush action in the morning but now you would think that I got punched in the face and ripped a tooth out. We are talking full out blood red all over my new sink every time I brush (and I have a soft toothbrush). I went to the dentist to see if she could calm it down a little bit. So, I'm sitting there getting poked, sucked, and sprayed at. She does half of my mouth and threw up her hands. Exclaiming "You are bleeding way to much. I can't finish. You have to come back another time." When does that ever happen? True to her word when I spit it was all blood. They promise me that it will abate some after birth. It better because after three visits to the dentist I am spent.

No one wants to talk about it, its embarrassing, but I am throwing it out there - constipation. Yes, that is right. I went there. Never in my life have I been so constipated!! They say it is because my whole digestive tract has slowed down to gain all the nutrition possible out of my food. Honestly, its not even funny. Its horrifying. I never understood why people took reading material into the bathroom. I was always a fly under the radar, snap your fingers and I'm done pooper. Now, I totally understand the reading material. Last Dr visit she put me on iron supplements which are notorious for causing constipation. I can't wait until that kicks in. Oh joy of joys. Maybe its my body way of preparing to push out the mother load that is a baby.

Thursday, January 24, 2008

Grow a Friend

I feel like I have been very neglectful of my friends these past few months. I really do want to go into the city to visit everyone but I just don't seem to have the energy. I know that my body is not my own anymore and I should listen to it but having no energy is not a good enough excuse for me. In college, I never had energy but yet always mustered some up to go out probably, in hindsight, because it involved drinking. It also has to do with the fact that I am uncomfortable, with my body's agility, with the questions I would get at a bar, and with my frequent need to pee. I am content to stay at home by myself with a book, some ice cream, and my feet propped up. Call me lazy but I am more comfortable on a couch than a bar stool. I walk slower, move more gently, and am constantly afraid of someone bumping into me. Hell, I bump myself into things I can only expect others to do the same.

I wrote in my 2007 post that I learned some people are boring when they become couples. Regrettably, I was thinking of myself. I was thinking that when I am in a couple I grow complacent and become quite boring, falling easily into a routine, relying on that other person for my entertainment. And sadly most of my friendships have suffered from it. Instead of being pro-active and going out with friends I found it easier to come home and spend time with my beau. Feeling that if I spent a Saturday night alone while single I was pathetic but a Saturday night at home with a boy is acceptable and much easier then dragging my ass out of the house. But now as I am approaching becoming a permanent couple, albeit different than having a boyfriend, will I fall into the same bad habits and routines that I have in the past? Will having a child divert all my attention similar to how boyfriends once sucked my focus from my friends?

Rebecca says I feel more content at home because I am growing a friend. That I am creating my own companion. That is exactly the mentality that I worry about. If Rebecca is noticing a change in my behavior already, what will happen in a few months. I would like to believe that, in the past year and a half that I have been single, I have learned that my friends are of utmost importance. A dire necessity in my life. Will Bean allow me to fall back into my old routine of couple life? Will I become boring and unable to motivate myself to leave the house to socialize with people that are my own age? I am nervous that I will never see my friends because I will be too busy, too preoccupied, too all consumed with a baby.

I want to be able to find a balance. A balance of my love for my child and my need to cultivate my friendships. A balance between being a mom and being a single 25 year old. I think I am going to need a lot of help to find the motivation to leave the house but I know that I will be better for it when I do. I don't want my friendships to suffer. They have suffered enough already. I don't want to become that person that can only communicate with children because of a lack in my social life. Maybe, acknowledging my fears will make me focus on my friendships even more. I guess I will have to wait and see what Bean does to my world.

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Heaven To Me

The Baby Suite is complete!!! Well, kinda of. I still haven't moved in completely but I am sleeping at home, in my new room, on my brand new mattress. Its like being on vacation. I am so in heaven. I thought I was going to freak out sleeping in close proximity to all of the baby paraphernalia, the crib was going to stare me down in my sleep. But, thankfully, I am relieved that things are moving along and I feel settled. I am confident that if Bean decides to make his appearance tomorrow that we will have a place to stay, beds to sleep in, diapers to change him, and warm wipes for his bum. It is a good feeling, finally coming home.

I was thinking and I have not had a place of my own since I moved out of my apartment in Astoria in 2005. When I was unpacking boxes, I found amazing things that I had long forgotten about. My life accessories that have been packed in the attic for two years. Lizzy was laughing because I was getting so excited about the littlest things. It has been a welcome change to unpack all these forgotten treasures and faded memories when lately I have been so surrounded by the shiny unknown of baby-ville.

Speaking of Lizzy, she has been so incredibly helpful. She was up in the attic for me, motivating me to get things unpacked. She is like my mini maid. She told me it is only going to last while I am preggo but I will take whatever I can get. Rebecca and Lizzy built the crib, dresser, and changing table. They were hysterical. The dresser came in one thousand pieces and I got to sit on my bed and watch. Sometimes it is nice being so pregnant. Lizzy built Bean's vibrating bouncer thing that one of our cats decided to curl up in. I almost killed her but can understand because I want to curl up in it. Lizzy got the most essential baby things out of the attic and helped me put them all away. We have bottles in the kitchen, diapers by the changing table, a car seat ready to be installed, and a crib laundered and baby ready. I feel like we got so much accomplished!!!

Saturday, January 19, 2008

Why God Made Moms

My friend Faetra sent this to me and I was laughing so hard I was crying. Again, I blame the hormones. Enjoy...

Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions:

Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.
4. So I would have one.

How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.

What ingredients are mothers made of ?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They get their start from bones. Then they mostly use string and scotch tape, I think.
3. My mom is sort of soft like marshmallows. So I guess God used marshmallows.

Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.
3. God thought I looked a lot like my mom.

What kind of little girl was your mom?
1. My Mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess she would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.

What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?

Why did your mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him, so she married him.
3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.

Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.

What's the difference between moms & dads?
1. Moms work at work and work at home and dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller & stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.

What does your mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.
3. She moves everything in the house around and buys flowers.

What would it take to make your mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. I like her hugs so much I'd like 3 more every day and she'd be perfect.
3. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue or pink.

If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.

Thursday, January 17, 2008

Just Say No to Drugs

I want my thoughts on labor to be realistic. I have a very detailed vision of how I would like Bean's delivery to be and I worry that I will be disappointed if it doesn't go as planned. I also understand that it can all change depending on how it is going. I don't want to have a cesarean but will if it is what is best for Bean. Obviously, this is my first baby and my expectations are formed from watching too much "Baby Story" on TLC, what I have read, and other women's stories.

I asked my Dr if I was being realistic in thinking that I would be able to do this natural. She said that it depends on my pain threshold and that everyone is different. I don't want drugs. I don't want an episiotomy. I want my goo and blood covered tot to be placed on my chest directly after he emerges. I want to be able to walk to the bathroom, by myself, ten minutes later. Terry thinks I am crazy. I know, considering modern medicine and available pain control options, that natural childbirth is increasingly becoming unnatural. But did you know that epidurals can lead to higher cesarean rates and the use of forceps or a vacuum extractor? Or that babies can sleep much more after birth? Yeah, neither did I. Since I found out I was pregnant I have never put anything harmful in my body, no Advil, no caffeine, no alcohol(I am very anal about it despite that my Dr says a little bit is OK). Why would I want to introduce drugs at birth? Besides, I have always believed that childbirth is natural. My body was built to make babies. There are women in 3rd world countries that still lay down in fields to give birth. Maybe the pain is what we make it to be. If I go in believing that I can do it naturally, maybe I will be able to. If I go in fearing the pain, maybe an epidural would be the way to go.

That being said, I have no idea what is going to happen or how I am going to handle all of this. I am not going to make any promises that after I give natural a try I won't jump at the painless epidural. Although, having a needle placed in my spine, while having contractions, seems far less appealing to me then pushing him out the old fashioned way. I don't know. I guess I will have to wait and see. In the meantime, I am working on my breathing, relaxation, and meditation techniques. Including a prenatal massage for me and a pressure point information session for Lizzy next Thursday courtesy of my Auntie De!!! I am so ready to be pampered!!

Monday, January 14, 2008

Bump Watch

This is the bare belly series of bump watch. Try not to be too offended by the hugeness and the flipped out button. I really still can't believe my belly is that big!! I (or bean rather) look huge from that angle!! Bean is suppose to be putting on an ounce of weight a day so despite feeling like I couldn't possibly get any bigger, I am. The good news is that I am officially "full term" at the end of this week. Full term means that I can have this baby any day and he should be perfectly well developed and cooked. Basically, we have started the waiting game. It could be tomorrow or it could be another 4 weeks. Its all up to little Bean.

He was really trying to bust out in that first one, hence my ridiculous face. I never understood why pregnant ladies needed to rub their belly's so often. I totally understand now. I find myself rubbing him constantly. Sometimes I am trying to put him back in cause he is stretching out so much it feels like I am going to rip apart. Or he is just under my ribs and I am trying to get him to move. Or I walk around holding him up because he is heavy on my back. Or my belly looks like alien and is jumping from side to side and I am trying to hide what he's doing. I was in the meeting for work the other day and the person sitting next to me noticed my belly going crazy. It was kind of embarrassing but honestly what can I do?!

Friday, January 11, 2008

To Do or Not To Do

One of my co-workers believes that Terry and I should get married for the benefits, ie. health insurance, taxes, military, etc. She offered her services and help to arrange a civil union at the hospital. Now, as romantic as it sounds to tie the knot in a hospital bed for moneys sake, it is not on my agenda (nor on Terrys). Marriage is a sacred union that shouldn't be entered into lightly, in my opinion. I don't want to gloss over it and I don't want to rush. I know that she was trying to be helpful but I couldn't help but be a little disturbed by the entire situation.

Pregnancy allows everybody and anybody to comment on my personal life. Where as once my life was private, I now find myself open to all opinions regardless if I want them or not. I know that these comments aren't meant to be hurtful but most of the time I really don't want to know how much pain you were in during labor. Or how daycare ruins a child. Or why I should get married as soon as possible to anyone willing. Or why formula feeding makes children obese. I could go on forever, you don't even know. A pregnant belly puts a sign on my back that says "Please talk to me. I would love for you to comment on my personal life."

I have dreams of marriage, some day. I want the white dress, tons of family, and big ceremony. I want the husband that loves and respects me for the choices I have made in my life. I want the romance. I want to be swept off my feet and the stability of having a husband that cares for me. For some reason, most people expect us to get married because I got pregnant. It is an easy assumption. I guess we got the order of things a little backward and society wants us to correct ourselves. However, for me, these two major life events don't come hand in hand but I still want both. I don't feel that it is unrealistic. I have always wanted to get married. It might be a little different then what I dreamt of as a little girl but my marriage will be the perfect union for me and my son.

I guess what is bothering me the most is the notion that I am tainted, tarnished, and used goods. Because I will have a child that I will be less desirable. I will become a package deal. That I should get married to whoever comes through my door. I don't feel the necessity to sacrifice my dreams of marriage because I am a 'fallen' woman. Romance is not lost on me because I will have a child. I understand that an in-tact family is what society deems best for my child. But society can be wrong because there is no lack of people in this child's life. Bean will have two supportive parents, four grandparents, four great grandparents, a million aunts and uncles, and tons of friends. With all those relatives around I doubt he will notice the missing ring on our fingers. When I do get married Bean will eventually come to understand that I was in love with someone, who is in love with me as him. I would hate for him to see me in an unhappy or forced marriage knowing the reason we got married was him. Hopefully, Bean learning that I married for love will mean more than benefits and a hospital bed.

Maybe down the road, Terry and I will get married. I am not completely closed off to the idea. But definitely not now. Our relationship is based on friendship and would need to progress to that level. Bean is a big change in both of our lives. Let me adjust to that change before piling on more. If we do get married, it will be because it was the best choice, at the right time, for all three of us. Until then, families come in all shapes and sizes. Ours is no different.

Tuesday, January 8, 2008

This Weeks Nerves

I know I keep on posting these nervous Nancy rants but I can't seem to help myself. This blog has evolved into a place where I can vent about my worries and not feel so guilty that I am burdening people. I apologize in advance for this anxiety rant. If Terry was around maybe I would feel obligated to rant to him but since my time is limited to the phone I would rather not bother him with my anxiety. Besides, I think he has enough of his own.

Lizzy and I finished our childbirth classes on December 19th. The nurses told us then that I should pack my bag for the hospital. I refuse. I simply refuse. Every week I get email updates on what to expect and they keep on reminding me to pack my bag. Nope. I am sorry. I just can't. Not yet. Its too soon. I am still living out of duffel bags at Michaels. If I were to pack a bag where would I keep it exactly, at home, at Michaels, in my car? I feel like it is becoming some kind of inner struggle. That if I pack my bag I will have to come to terms with having to actually go to the hospital and all the it entails. I worked up the courage yesterday to print off a list of things to pack. I thought it was a step in the right direction. I know I am going to have to face the reality eventually but I can totally put it off for the next few weeks. Cross my legs.

I have been having a lot of trouble sleeping. It is a combination of not being able to get comfortable and then once awake my mind starts reeling. I also can't make it through the night without going to the bathroom at least once. Bean is leaning directly onto my bladder pretty much all the time now. My bladder must be about the size of a pea, I kid you not. Anyway, I tend to have very unrealistic worries when I am up late at night. Like maybe he has 12 arms, which clearly he doesn't because I have seen his sonograms. Or what happens if I don't know I am in labor, which I will know at some point I am positive. A big one lately has been falling. I keep worrying that I am going to fall on my belly and that he will stop moving. Stillborn, just writing the word makes me shiver. God forbid. I pray all the time that he will be safe. That I can keep him safe for the next few weeks. He is still really active. I find myself breathing easier when he is moving just because I know he is OK. Even if his moving is really annoying. I relish it.

Breast feeding is another whole ball of worries. Like will I actually be able to do this? Will I inexplicably find my modesty and be unable to whip them out in public? (Doubtful) It has been a difficult transition in my mind. I mean, honestly, what have my boobs been useful for before now? Suddenly they have been catapulted into importance and will be used to sustain another person. Crazy!!

I know that most of the time when I am nervous about something it never ends up to be as traumatic as I anticipated it to be. The monster under my bed is far more terrifying in my head then if I met him face to face. However, that usually doesn't stop me for worrying. I am assuming that my worrying is not going to stop when he is born either. This child is going to bring another lifetime of worrying. I guess that is what they call motherhood.

Sunday, January 6, 2008

P.S

As I stated last post, I have been dreaming of laundry. I decided to make my dreams become a reality, to feel as though I was accomplishing something, while the baby suite is getting finished. So, I wobbled my way up in the attic to retrieve all of the baby bedding, clothing, and such. I piled it all into bags and laundry baskets, loaded my car, and was off to Mikes to do laundry until my hearts content. I envisioned my ipod blaring away, a hot cup of tea, maybe a book, and doing load after load until I was satisfied. As ashamed as I am to admit this, I was really excited!!! That is exactly what I wanted to do on my Thursday night.

Then I ran into some trouble. I put my first load of bedding in and am off reading in the living room. Michael's house is pretty small and I can't help but notice that the machine is unusually loud. Curious, I gather the strength to heave myself off the couch. Sweet Jesus, the machine overflowth!!! There is water all over the kitchen floor, pooling in the grout, soaking into the carpet. I shut the machine off and thankfully the water stops. God forbid there was a burst pipe or something. As quickly as my elephant body will allow I run upstairs to gather towels. I am on my hands and knees mopping up water, determined to handle this like a big girl and refusing to call my parents. Well, I am admittedly a wuss. I broke down and called when I couldn't reach under the table and despite being shut off it still looked like the carpet was getting wet.

The phone call went something like this:
Dad: Hello
Me: Dad?! I am having a bit of a crisis.
Dad: Whats the matter honey?
Me: I was doing laundry and now there is water everywhere.
Dad: We will be right there. I'll bring a mop.
Click.

I was mildly concerned at the curt phone call but was relieved that things were going to be handled by someone other than myself. In hindsight, I probably should have given them some more information. My parents were at Michael's in about three seconds. Upon receiving the phone call from their 8 months pregnant daughter claiming that she was in a bit of a crisis and there was water everywhere they wasted no time. Dad arrived breathless, mop in hand, asking if everything was OK with Mom trailing right behind him. I explained what happened (I probably overloaded the machine, genius) and they explained that they thought I was in labor. Ha ha, no. Everyone always thinks I am in labor. I sigh a little to loud and people ask if I am OK. I promise I will let everyone know if I am in labor. Needless to say, I have stalled on the laundry front. Maybe next week I will regain my strength.

Friday, January 4, 2008

Mary Poppins Eat Your Heart Out

I am starting to get the urge to nest. This is quite common in the later months of pregnancy. I am sure my mother is thrilled that I might get up off my fat and lazy ass to do something. Maybe I will start cleaning the house and kicking some construction worker butt to get the baby suite done. Lets finish painting, have the carpet laid, and move the furniture in. I want everything to be put away all nice and neat. I want to spend ridiculous amounts of money on sheets, bath mats, candles and curtains.

However, my weirdest urge so far has been laundry. I really, really, really want to rip all the tags off of the clothes, blankets, sheets, and towels we got at the shower. I want to wash them. Do one hundred loads of laundry. I HATE laundry with a passion, always have. But now I find myself fascinating over it, ohh how the mighty have fallen. I want to fold all the cuteness and put it all away in drawers and on hangers in the closet. I want to line up the shoes, unpackage hats, sew strings connecting mittens, and roll his biker baby socks. Speaking of mittens I got the cutest ones the other day at Target. They have airplanes on them and they rattle. Surely they need a sting attached so we don't lose them. I simply cannot hold in my joy and anticipation of laundry!!!

Wednesday, January 2, 2008

Things I Learned in 2007

I learned how to trust my instincts.
How to read a credit report.
My family is one of the most important things in my life.
Home will always be home no matter how far I go.
I am capable of leaving everything behind and starting fresh.
I am also capable of coming back and remembering that its ok.

I prefer to be around people then to be alone.
I need my space every once and a while.
Being part of a couple makes some people boring.
I am worth fighting for.
Tattoo’s on your wrist don’t hurt.
Being too drunk is not attractive and drinking in general is not all that important.

I would move to Charleston, SC in a heartbeat.
I find big city living unappealing but still miss living there all the time.
Driving for 13 hours sucks.
Everything is better on the beach.
I have had an amazing life.
A 24 year old can raise 5 wonderfully well adjusted children.

God loves me and the church is not that scary.
I hate telling people bad news.
I am getting better on confronting people and my fears.
I love roofing and witnessing progress.
I am capable of blind love for another.
I love sailing but I could never live on a boat.

I don’t like grits no matter how many times I try them.
Breakfast for dinner will always be my favorite meal.
My time in SC was irreplaceable.
Always wear underwear.
I self medicate to hide my insecurities.
I am much stronger than I think I am.

My family's compassion and ability to love amazes me everyday.
Bourbon = hangover.
There are far worse places to be than Long Island.
My choices define my character and vice versa.
I am ready for the unknown.
I am capable of much more than I ever dreamed possible.